2, like your W is a kind of touchstone for your boys so they can orbit around safely in their worlds knowing she will be there when they need her. That becomes the role of Mom with boys at those ages, to be there and to be accepting when they need to talk.
I think that's what you need to strive for with W. When I think about what H could have provided me when I was spinning OOC, that's what I envision. H setting safe boundaries for him, allowing me to do the work I need to do, being open and listening when needed without fretting or fixing.
Hope this makes sense.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
2 stop trying to fix her, stop trying to help her, just stop ok. Let her be. Her relationship with the boys is her responsibility not yours. You said in an earlier post that she is pushing you away. Maybe you are Persuing again? Drop the gun buddy
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Struggling with this idea myself. Feel like I should be doing something more direct to invoke better responses but in the end, should I just realize the long, drawn-out process just is and stop getting distracted by my impatience.
Hope you have a good weekend!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
T2 - this is why it's harder to DB when your S softens.... you are like a damn held back and there's suddenly a crack in the dam. I've done this same thing too. It was easier in a way when they appeared to hate us. You have to be so cool about this right now, no matter what your insides are doing. You really aren't detached until you can let whatever happens, happen without getting sucked back in. I'm just finding this out now.
There's all sorts of stages you will go through in this. If you're like me, when you finally figure out how to detach you might start wondering where your love went for her. You may not believe that can happen...I never would have either but you do start to unwind over time, maybe not from losing love but maybe just gaining some sort of acceptance.
I know you're in a tough predicament. You going to have to walk the razors edge on this one...be there for her but don't overdo it, show her you care but only in a way that works for her....not easy at all
Where I am struggling is that in addition to the sitch which is a big deal, she now has this major health issue which has completely changed everything.
I just feel like she needs emotional support from me at this time. Problem is, how I have been showing it since she got home from the hospital is not effective. So I'm just looking for alternatives.
Distancing myself seems like it might look once again like rejection on my part.
Then....just got this text from her:
"I'm sorry to be so mean lately. Haven't felt well and I think the meds make me very forgetful. It is extremely frustrating"
This was an unsolicited text message I just got a minute ago.
I replied:
"I know Mrs 2TP. Don't worry about it. My goal is to help you get well"
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Great, pefect answer because its true. Again, be Joe Cool and just quietly take care of her. My W is in a very similar boat in terms of make or break life Q & A's. Just be the cool, calm loving, wise, gentle T2 with a liberal splash of humor to keep her spirits up. You have your boys to keep your spirits up, but right now you are a caretaker for your W.
This is selfless love at its best and its going to be a long haul - medically for her, sprititually for her, emotionally, practically, etc. Not that it isn't for you but you have to be the strong silent type for her.
There are times when you need to drop the rope, but right now she needs you at least for health reasons. Do this right and it may help you guys turn a corner. You know the drill though...no expectations (ha ha...like we can do that).
