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#2226197 - 02/29/12 11:36 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i found this thread after your reply to me earlier today - on the way home from picking the boys up from school i was listening to Pema's tape - "from fear to fearlessness" and i thought to myself - wonder if anyone on the board has read or listened to Pema's talks - and here you are.

i am at the same point as you - the fear you talk about - we all have it and we all have to rip it out of ourselves - like taking off the skin and growing a new one

i love all the things you have written - write more, i need to hear those things and live them - thank you

what you wrote about what you do that shows you are not yet detached - yes - thank you - i will keep those sentences in mind ALL the time as i go through the detachment

i realized in the last few days - that for the first 5 months i just kept putting pema's tapes on all day long and they were really helping me to detach and then 3 weeks ago i stopped and the sitch and me started to feel much worse, so a couple of days ago i started listening again - i thought i had absorbed what she was teaching and that i was living it - but, it's too soon, it will take a while to really become that way
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2226250 - 03/01/12 03:06 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: zig]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
I need to check out Pema....sounds like it will help

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#2226570 - 03/02/12 01:51 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
OK, kids, I'm gonna get wobbly here.

When we last left our Wayward Spouse story, H had broken his wrist. I, of course, knew nothing about this until S19 told me he had to take him to the doc to get it set on Monday this week.

Today S19 had to take him to the doc for a 'little surgery' on the wrist. Wrists are a pain because of all the little bones in there. H hates anything to do with hospitals and would very rarely even come to meet me there or even have lunch with me. He did occasionally when S22 was a baby. He gets all weak kneed. Blood makes him woozy.

So, I'm feeling wobbly but I am not going to do anything about it. He chose his path.

I want to make sure he has pain meds and food and on and on and on...

But, he chose this path.

My mother used to say "Give me strength!"

So DB Buddies, give me strength.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2226573 - 03/02/12 01:58 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
OK, kids, I'm gonna get wobbly here.

When we last left our Wayward Spouse story, H had broken his wrist. I, of course, knew nothing about this until S19 told me he had to take him to the doc to get it set on Monday this week.

Today S19 had to take him to the doc for a 'little surgery' on the wrist. Wrists are a pain because of all the little bones in there. H hates anything to do with hospitals and would very rarely even come to meet me there or even have lunch with me. He did occasionally when S22 was a baby. He gets all weak kneed. Blood makes him woozy.

So, I'm feeling wobbly but I am not going to do anything about it. He chose his path.

I want to make sure he has pain meds and food and on and on and on...

But, he chose this path.

My mother used to say "Give me strength!"

So DB Buddies, give me strength.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2226586 - 03/02/12 02:33 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
be tough girl - he isn't going to die:)

i know exactly what you are going through. for me everytime H has been sick since this sitch he's been in the same house as me, and i have given him meds and made him food - but in a detached way, expecting nothing and he's done the same for me once.

it's a hard one, i think, to choose which way to go - i know if we hadn't been in the same house or around each other, i definitely would NOT have gone over to take him anything - unless it was something like open heart surgery and i don't want my kid's father to die (that was probably a sick joke)

just breathe through it and let it go - you can visualize him healing quickly and that can be your way of taking care of him - so you don't have to physically do something for him.

here's another way to look at it - if you were in a different country or a different state, you wouldn't hop on a plane and come back to make sure he had his meds, would you? they'll make sure at the hospital that he gets what he needs

is that enough strength? if not write back and i'll try to think up some more

i know where you're at - i had the same thing to deal with at x'mas
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2226590 - 03/02/12 02:41 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: zig]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 757
Being the person I am.. I would probably email or something saying that I heard what happened (we share kids.. How could I not know?). Show some empathy.. And then say.. If there is anything I can do to help you out, please don't hesitate to let me know... And then leave it at that. But.. That's me.

It might be seen as pursuing but, it is something I would say to anybody I cared about. I'm not a cold b!!! smile.

I'll grab the WC and follow behind you in case your legs give out!! Or maybe grab a 4 WW.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2226592 - 03/02/12 02:55 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: barely floating]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
BF had a good idea ^^^^^^

You logically know the right thing to do, it's your heart that's telling you to reach out to him.

Remember what you always tell me? Is it really about helping them, or is it that you want to be in control? When I helped H with the baby in the middle of the night, I thought I was doing a good thing by taking some of the load off him- and you pointed out to me that it probably had more to do with me needing to be in control... And that H could see it as me implying that he is incompetent in some way.

Would your H think that you're telling him he's incompetent if you ask him about his food and pills? There has to be some kind of way you can express concern without potentially insulting him.... I don't know what that looks like.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2226616 - 03/02/12 04:36 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugless...i know how you feel...i cant bear to see my W suffer. Maybe just offer him to help if he needs it but dont take over. At least he will see you still care.

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#2226646 - 03/02/12 11:20 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: rickb89]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2242
Bug,

If he contacts you, then its ok to ask those things.

If he doesn't, and you try to offer comfort, you will probably be disappointed in the results.

You aren't his mother. He is grown. He didn't tell you about this, so leave it alone.
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#2226693 - 03/02/12 02:56 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: cat04]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
cat, here's the funny part...I found out last night, he is staying with his 85 year old mother. She's a lovely woman but she drives him crazy. I'm sure that situation won;t last much longer.

Thanks everyone for the strength, I'm feeling better today. It's his to deal with and he very clearly didn't ask for my help. bf, keep the wc at the ready, you never know.

Here's a side note. I wasn't always the most loving caretaker to H because "that's my day job" and to come home and have him prostrate from a cold or some minor thing used to irritate the crap out of me. I never got that at home either, my brothers and I have joked that we needed a death certificate to be able to stay home from school.

Lots to think about.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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