Husband has moved in with affair

[~ kd ~]

oh, and yes... while you want to be a better option than the OW... it's not actually a competition... at least not against her...

It absolutely appears that when there is an OP, there is a high probability that there can be no R.

The affair spouse needs to choose.

Right now... your H is choosing the OW...

[8anb]

i agree there is no chance of r until h gets rid of ow. and yes, it is obviuos the ow is current choice. i am hoping/praying once h comes out of this fog and "me/selfish stage" he can see collateral damage caused and realize he wants to work on m and reconciling with family.
currently, 3 of 5 children have no relationship with h, and 1 is deployed in military and has not had much contact over the years.
h feels pressure at work as they have lost respect among co-workers and bosses due to lying to them as well as actions of abandonment of family
h is meal ticket to ow and ow also has history of drugs and cheating on last person multiple times - so with all this "going" for ow it is my hope this a dies down quickly.
h's family does not speak with h (they live elsewhere) but when h does they politely remind h to review actions and what do they expect to be different this time versus last...
not like h is listening, but as time goes by hopefully (for my sake) it will get better.

trying to gal for me is extremely hard, as everything was done as a family unit. now, it is just myself, d, and gc. there are 2 children in college - 1 away and 1 at home but with their own life not wanting to spend with mom of all people, as if! and the other child is biological child of h, not mine, therefore, chooses not to deal with me at all

[~ kd ~]

Yes, if OW is a drain on him (financially and emotionally demanding) then hopefully he doesn't have the stamina to stick it out, long...

but...

how long has he said he's not been happy with you? If he were a sane man... then you could expect that he has the stamina to stick it out (almost) as long with OW...

alternately...

if it doesn't work with OW... and he sees the colateral damage... and really looks at and says, "oh wow...! I can't overcome that..." he may just find another OW or decide to stay away...

unless the collateral damage goes away...

That's not to say you hold him harmless and it's not to say that he shouldn't have to work for it...

but... you need to be an attractive option... one that is more attractive than the challenges that might face him if he DOES choose to come back...

and if he's NOT sane... if he is MLC... then understand that once he's ready to come back into the R... when he is ready... done with the MLC... he is likely not going to be the same man that you married... this is not uncommon... the alien doesn't necessarily leave... it just becomes less volatile...

You may have to wrap your head around the possibility that your H is really "gone"... that his physical body will never contain the man your married. That a R with him will be no different than building a new R with someone else... So any baggage or collateral damage... well... it won't really be his...

Time to do a little house keeping while he's on vacation...

GAL can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. You'll eventually find your groove. Don't beat yourself up because your priorities are getting used to being single and being a single parent. Things will get better... and then will get easier... and eventually, you'll be a better version of the past you...

[8anb]

well, this all started in oct (so about 6 months now) is when he first brought up the idea that things were not going well. based upon what he said i tried to correct those things, that is when the too little too late comment came.

h stated he should have left last summer, that is around the time the interest of the ow came to be (i believe). overall m was good and h is was sane person as of late not sure what to expect.

i will start with gal and try to move forward as there are many positives in us all. as this is 2nd m for both of us, i have already expressed to h that d was not an option and h could always come back. with that said, the ball is in h's corner and yes in the event h does return it will be then the hard work starts.

[MrBond]

"i have already expressed to h that d was not an option and h could always come back."

Don't mention things like this again. He has to feel that he will lose you if he doesn't do something.

[8anb]

this was done right before he left, after h left and stated he needed space i quit contacting h and only speak when h contacts me. initially it was every 3/4 dys now it has been a week. not sure what to do those who know say just d and move on, this is what the lawyer and the therapist said. it is a tough spot to be in and MIL states her x went through this also and that i should d also

[~ kd ~]

That IS what lawyers and therapists say... so do family members... friends... members of the clergy... you name it...

"You don't deserve this"
"Go find your own happiness"
"These things never work out"
"I told you he was a no good, good for nothing $#%*"

They could be right...

They could be wrong...

It's up to you to take their advice... or take your time and come to your own decision as you think things through and weigh the pros and cons...

Because the only people who have a right to have any say, decision, or choice in the survival or demise of the M are the two who are M.

It's called "standing"... and some stand long enough to save their M... some stand for the rest of the life and never R... and some... make a choice to stop standing once they are ready to let it end...

That's just a long and wordy way of saying, do what is right... FOR YOU...

And just an FYI... some WAS actually disappear and are not heard from by their LBS for months at a time... it could be worse... and it MIGHT get worse... but it does get better...

[BeingMe]

Did you see the Dr. Phil show on Tuesday? The guests were a 41 yo man, and 18 yo girl, who are living together. He had been her teacher. He left his wife/children and resigned his job, so now he's jobless (can't support wife and children or the 18 yo OW). The teen's mom was a guest too, and she is livid over this.

Seems it's happening quite a lot. My D24 got involved with a man 15 years older than her when she was 18, and we tried everything to get her away from him, but she was so enthralled and infatuated with him, that there was nothing we could do. Now she has 3 children (whom I love dearly), and the old dufus is still there. She's starting to wake up, I think, by some comments she's made. He was also married with 2 children, although separated at the time he met my D24, which is no excuse (we heard that she left him, just cleared out and took off with the kids, but I'm not sure if I believe him ... he likes to act the victim). I don't think D24 knew. He is the biggest liar I've ever met, but not even clever about it.

Anyway, just want to empathize with you.

[8anb]

well, saw h for first time in a wk today, they have to come to my work every 2 wks; so i made sure i looked pretty nice - a little more than normal.

well, they greeted me with a hug and you look nice, after which i left and did not see them again. although once i walked off they did go to my area to look for me, but as i stated, i went somewhere else and h could not hang around as they had a meeting to attend.

i am told by someone who knows (not like my office does not -they know something is wrong just not what) that as an outsider looking in one could not tell there were any issues between me and h - not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

anyway, h just spent approx 100 dollars at the health store, guess trying to be you comes at a price - whether its aches and pains or trying to stay in some sense of shape - not sure what. the things i see/know are happening just lead me to wonder what could these people be thinking and can it really last that long before the light comes on and you realize a mistake has been made?

well, tonight am going to free dinner where my s just started to work, so it should be a nice evening out:)

[BeingMe]

Hi 8anb, hope you had a good dinner last night at your son's work. Good GAL activity ... meeting new people, and hanging out with family/friends.

If your H is in MLC, there is no making sense of what they do, or what they think. It may last long, or it could be over tomorrow. There's just no telling. Just GAL, and you might find that when he is ready to come home, you won't want him anymore. DB'ing is for YOU, as I'm sure you know.

Take care.