ok, so i could not stay at work and my boss is really concerned for me when i am left alone - wow this situation is taking its toll and it has only been 4 weeks.
well, h has not contacted me since last thurs and today is tues - what is that 5 dys and not even attempted to contact d. i understand ow had child with them this past weekend so when i read some things about being left behind, the h is literally replacing his family with ow's.
i am trying to see if h has some narcassistic tendencies as they are totally self consumed and care about no one else. we'll see how things go tomorrow - i would like to think h will contact me at some point to see how d and gc are at a min if not to ask about other things.
detaching when h does not contact should be an easy thing, right? the silence is deafening.....
one last thing, i am still hoping to save my marriage as i have put this in God's hands and continue to pray several times a day. my favorite movie is "it's a wonderful life" in the end everything worked for him when he saw how things were without him; i am hoping to have the same ending as soon as h realizes what his actions are truly costing and the collateral damage left behind....
No Contact was the hardest and most alone time I had ever felt in my life. yes the silence is deafening. It really is, but over time you will get used to it. It's not fun and you may feel more alone with NC than you ever have during this. I know I did. I didn't realize how accustomed I had grown to having contact with my H. It took some getting used to the NC, but it was the best thing for me. By one month of NC I was used to it. By 2 months I was starting to realize I didn't need him for anything and that I can depend on me or others for things I'd normally turn to him for. By month 3 I was getting good and detatched and feeling good about myself. Self esteem rising and knowing that Im ok alone! I will be ok!
Then at the end of month 3 communcation started again due to parenting plans w/divorce and Holidays with the kids. It started with lovely spew from him, but then worked into amicable exchanges. I won't lie as time went on and the communication has gotten more, and we've basically gone back to serious parenting together again, and it has shaken me to the core. I've had to re evaluate all my feelings for him again and sort them out. It hasn't been a picnic and many feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, then love, and being grateful to him have been juggling around too.
I agree that the time away and NC can play a big part in them coming out of the tunnel and facing reality. But it takes a long time, some MLCers more than others. Life just has to happen, and reality will always find a way. It's just never on our time table that we wish for. Putting it all in God's hands and reminding ourselves that God is in control helps very much. I haven't been very patient with God's timing, but Im working on it.
I think that perhaps time, NContact, and a big dose of reality biting him in the butt has happened to stbx for he's still going strong with positive changes that are even blowing me away. He's acting like the man I married and fell in love with time and time again. Sad thing is, he's with the OW. But now I realize I really don't have anything to feel jealous of at all in regards to her or them together.
Hang in there, you've just begun the most difficult part of the journey, which is the process of letting go of him and grabbing ahold of you!
Could you expand upon this some more? Seems a twist of detaching I haven't read about before (or remember, with the reams of material I have tried to digest through this ordeal)...
Quote:
But now I realize I really don't have anything to feel jealous of at all in regards to her or them together.
Thanks!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
thank you for the comforting words. I pray everyday for my h to find his way, this whole situation is very confusing and hurtful to say the least.
for me a comforting thought about the ow is the age difference between my h. not sure this really has the potential to last, but am sure others would have thought the same thing. i continue to move forward, praying for all parties involved and return of h sooner rather than later.
trying to have a better day and at least remain at work - because i cannot afford to lose my job!
Im assuming you meant my comment about me not having any reason to feel jealous about H and OW.
Well first of all this didn't happen overnight and I still have a twinge here and there, but it's getting better over time. But for me what's worked is being rational about this situation and what I do know about this OW and how I know stbx.
Quite frankly I get the idea he's stuck with someone that won't get a job and is using him as a meal ticket. She has no desire to connect with my kids (however my kids don't want to connect with her) she hasn't had a job in 3 years and isn't even looking for one. Apparently she's milking unemployment for all it's worth. According to my kids she rarely ever gets out of her Pj's and is on the computer all day long. She sleeps very late and naps during the day too. Yesterday stbx had kids and their cousin on a snow day. He took them out to breakfast while she slept in. Her family repuatation and drama....that's a whole other ball of wax. I won't even get into that.
Why be jealous of that? Just because my H chose her? My ego suffers a big bruise because the rejection alone is horrible. But whatever. If he's content supporting someone and working himself into a frazzle over a piece of A$$ and is infatuated. I have his financial support, but I am working full time, raising my kids on my own, and running my own house hold and my affairs. I do not need him to do this for me and I don't expect anyone to be my next meal ticket, nor do I wish to play games to get someone to do that for me.
I guess I could twist it around and make it look like he's pissing cirlces around her and keeping the kids out of the house so she can sleep. Or he could be so infatuated that he's willing to work his butt off to not only support him and her and me and my children with no problem because he's so happy. But whatever
I've outgrown him a long time ago. Its just the disappointment he didn't want to grow with me, and my ego being so brusied over being rejected.
I hope that helps, if not ask me more quesitions Im happy to answer.
ok, so does it mean anything that i am trying to detach and now h has cut all contact?-good sign or bad sign - he is living with ow.
not sure if this will bring to light each of their behaviors which will cause the a to end or if it will fuel the a to continue
just some thoughts and was wondering if anyone had any input...
also, i am not a dreamer, but kept having the same dream last night in which h returned home during the night - it was almost surreal then i woke up to find myself alone.....
There's been a lot of study on dreams and some people believe that there is significance to them. A more recent study suggests that dreams are simply a way of the brain to purge and that what ever imagery you are visualising in your dream is irrelevant to the purging and processing of the brain.
The likelihood is that your dream is simply something that is on your mind and during your sleep, your brain wanders to that. So certainly, you may want to consider why your brain wants to consider your H has returned home. If you don't want the dream, again, studies show that you can thought change, even during a dream. Otherwise, you are likely dreaming about it because you WANT to dwell on it. Why?
It might be helpful to read up on pursuit/distance if you have not already done so.
There is a lot of discussion that goes on regarding that and whether it is possible that by going no contact, the other spouse will distance further.
Your H is living with the OW. Do you think he is doing that to test you to see if you will chase him? Do you think he's with the OW and thinking, "well, if she really loved me, she would come after me."?
Yeah... probably not so much...
The only way that you can interfere with his desire to be with the OW is to be the more attractive option. But you can only successfully be the attractive option if you are doing it for YOU, not for him. And when there is contact, he will see those qualities... that value... in you...
And if he chooses to be attracted to it, then great...
And if he chooses not to be, then... he's likely a fool...
or he has decided to simply "settle" for the OW...
The most difficult thing for the LBS is when the WAS/MLCer says, "if only you had fought harder for me" or "too little, too late" or "you never... [insert some other form of projection, here]"
Generally speaking, people don't run FROM... they run TO...
Even when someone says that they are running from an abusive R (which is a GOOD thing), they are actually running TO safety, as much or more so than they are running FROM their abuser. That's noted in the many situations where a person will stay in an abusive R because they are "scared" or "they hurt me, but deep down they are good people and care about me". "Flight", or running from, is a spontaneous condition. Otherwise we tend to move towards a better option.
So again... at this time, don't worry about whether he will notice, because he will... eventually... so how are you becoming a better option?
initially, in oct when things started to change, so did i, changing or acting on what h said were issues - then i recieved the "too little, too late comment". when h left he said it was to think about what was best for him and h needed to see if this would make him happy - for now i would say yes. when h first left, i stopped contact via email, text, ph or anything and h initiated contact - he asked for space and i have given that. it is hard for someone to notice a change when they are not around to see those - i do not go where places i know h will be, as i do not want to have an ackward situation and know h will only speak if our d or gc is with me - chances are if i am alone h would not speak.
so, my only hope is for a to end and h to realize what they want.... to remain m or move on. i have to hope and believe h will realize the age difference is too great to really amount to anything and ow is the same age as 2 of our children - which is gross to say the least:(
On happy, it's only an assumption that he is happy. If your H gets those chemicals generated in his brain and body that come from a new lust... then he gets to feel "happy"... but it's temporary. If he is actually capable of leaving you, moving in with someone else, and "finding his happiness" with no further thought about you or his past... then there is something wrong with him at a core level and I'm not sure why anyone would want to be with someone like that...
No, more likely he gets happy, then the OW does something and it triggers the "do I really want this" thought... or other life gets in the way... he isn't "happy" in the way you want to believe... or in a way that he'd WANT you to believe and says he is... he'll tell everyone he is happy ALL THE TIME (which is a lie as humans are biologically incapable of that), and try to project that, so that he can prove that he made a good and right decision... even if it's to convince himself...
The first things he offered as the "reasons" were probably just him stretching the truth. That those "things" really weren't that important. He was just giving you bait so you'd leave him alone and work on your "problems".
He asked for space, you gave him space... and you thought that by giving him the space he had been asking for, that he would change his mind and start closing that gap...? Yes, that's the game of pursuit and distance, but just because it is generally in play, doesn't mean that they will... they may need to be away much longer than we expect... which is the problem... expectations... that if we give them what they ask for, they will change their mind and direction...
Ponder this... exactly WHAT does space mean?
The truth is, it means absolutely nothing...
It is simply a word... a phrase we use to say, "I need quite time to think about things"... or "I'm saying it to distract you as I continue to leave"... or "I hurt all over, emotionally, and just need to drop out for a while"...
Unfortunately, the word is intended to be abstract enough so that the person saying it does not have to confront what they are currently thinking.
The harsh reality that you need to face is... what if...?
What if... he never comes back...?
Because the reality probably is... that's what you fear the most, right now... and it could happen...
so...
what are you going to do about it? If he never comes back... how are you going to tackle your life and make it the best you can, for yourself... for your kids...?
