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#2228368 - 03/06/12 10:53 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Not to put too fine a point on it but it's a fellowship for friends and family of problem drinkers, and you get to define problem.

You are absolutely right tho that it doesn't matter what she thinks, Alanon is not about the drinker.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2228379 - 03/06/12 11:11 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Hey CES, why do you feel compelled to tell your W where you are going? Part of GAL (and support groups are included) is doing things for you and also to create a little mystery. So why show your hand to your W? It's not like you need her permission, right?

Maybe next time simply say: "W, I'm going out for a while." or "I've got plans tonight and won't be available."

Of course, you can't un-ring the bell but think about that for the future.

Also, you shouldn't feel bad about this. I possess many of the same habits that you do. I am often an open book to my W as it pertains to what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, etc. However, I am working on that and believe that I am much better than I was.

And I'm not talking about being dishonest. Just recognize that there isn't a need to tell her EVERYTHING. Leave her guessing and you will see that that will draw her in.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2228401 - 03/07/12 12:43 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
sue makes a good point. i don't exactly lie to H (well.. i did about playing hookely.. you got me there) but i just omit information. i only give him answers to what he's asking and try not to volunteer too much info otherwise. H doesn't need to hear what i'm doing for support and how i'm changing.. he just needs to see it.

as for your t-shirt dilemma.. funny.. i had a similar problem. H had been storing a bike for his "friend" since she moved out of town in november. 1 don't see it often as it's in the parking garage.. but whenever i saw it, it would upset me because i felt so disrespected.

i sent H an email asking him to please remove the bicycle that didn't belong to us because i didn't want it there anymore. he never responded but, that bike was moved the next time he was there. i never brought it up after the email and neither one of us has mentioned it since. i didn't give a reason or how i felt, just simply that i did not want it there anymore.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2228554 - 03/07/12 12:38 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
2 - I wanted my W to know what I am doing in this situation. What I don't want is her thinking I'm off with another woman as part of my GAL. Also, it appears that when I show that I am taking steps towards working on myself, W will respond with some increased level of engagment at least for a while. When I said I was going out, the response was "fine". When I said it was a support group, she started asking more detailed questions. I prefer the more involved response. If its truly just GAL stuff, then I will certainly keep it more vague. Planning a weekend getaway to see a friend in the next few months. I won't give W any details except for when I'll be gone.

It also seems to me that making her aware of where I am working on myself creates some level of awareness in her that I am moving forward and she is not addressing her issues. This is not the intent of my actions, but its not a bad thing either. No expectations, just me doing what I need to do for me.

Same thing happened when I brought up the money conversation last weekend. Initial reaction was bad but then she re-engaged and asked for a list of ICs.

This morning, W responded to an e-mail I sent earlier in the week with the analysis from my financial review. A door to additional conversations was opened.

BF - Thanks. More encouragement to address the shirt & picture.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2228606 - 03/07/12 03:11 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: ces67
2 - I wanted my W to know what I am doing in this situation. What I don't want is her thinking I'm off with another woman as part of my GAL. Also, it appears that when I show that I am taking steps towards working on myself, W will respond with some increased level of engagment at least for a while. When I said I was going out, the response was "fine". When I said it was a support group, she started asking more detailed questions. I prefer the more involved response. If its truly just GAL stuff, then I will certainly keep it more vague. Planning a weekend getaway to see a friend in the next few months. I won't give W any details except for when I'll be gone.


No worries, CES. You've got to do what works for your particular sitch. And if what you are doing works, then keep at it.

My only other comment here would be that the "mystery" created when you are out in GAL land can be interpreted in any number of ways. If you aren't out GAL'ng with another woman, why should it matter if your W thinks you are? Isn't that what the mystery is supposed to be about?

I mean how is it different doing something for yourself (i.e. al anon) and telling her about it as opposed to doing something for yourself (i.e. long weekend with a friend) and not telling her about it? Isn't she going to be drawing her own conclusions regardless?

Originally Posted By: ces67
It also seems to me that making her aware of where I am working on myself creates some level of awareness in her that I am moving forward and she is not addressing her issues. This is not the intent of my actions, but its not a bad thing either. No expectations, just me doing what I need to do for me.

Same thing happened when I brought up the money conversation last weekend. Initial reaction was bad but then she re-engaged and asked for a list of ICs.



Again, do what works, and your approach seems to be working. so keep doing it.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2228656 - 03/07/12 05:28 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
I hate trial & error.....just sayin' (but its reality and that's where I live)
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2228703 - 03/07/12 07:17 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
smile makes me think of my mysterious socks.

if H asked me point blank whether i was seeing someone or who i was going out with, i will not lie. but if he doesn't ask, i don't say anything. i know the truth. if H really wants to know.. he'll ask.

when i came home that night (when i was supposed to be working), H ended up txting me afterwards asking where i was going. most of the time he kind of skitters around the issue saying stuff like.. have fun wherever you're going.. but that night he asked and i answered truthfully.. no where! lol. wish i had a more exciting answer.

i don't mind the trial.. hate the error! wink
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2228747 - 03/07/12 10:41 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
Ok, I'll go for more of the man of mystery with my GAL activities, which 2 was good to remind me that I'm not really doing much of....

However, I am taking S to a museum exhibit on ancient weapons tomorrow night after I get home from school. Of course W knows about that one but still fun time with my son.

S and I also went to church tonight. W & D10 didn't want to go. Thankful that my S at least enjoys going with me.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2228751 - 03/07/12 10:58 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
The museum exhibit sounds awesome! Have a great time with S!!

I need to figure out how to be more mysterious, H can usually figure out what I'm doing or he asked me directly, and I won't lie- so I end up telling him.... I do have 1 or 2 secrets left, hopefully I can keep them hidden smile

Our sitchs do feel like constant trial and error, it's exhausting. I wish there were a set of 'one size fits all' rules/instructions for us. But that's what I like about these boards, we can take bits and pieces from all the other sitchs and make our own special solution.... Still haven't quite figured mine out smirk
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2228765 - 03/07/12 11:39 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: purgatory]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1596
The thing about Al-anon meeting is after people may go out for coffee or to chat for a little bit. Even if she knows you are going to Al-anon you will start to make new al-anon friends. They will definitely make your wife curious when you hang out with them after the meeting.

Your W may not be an alcoholic but as an Adult Child of an alcoholic her behavior is alcoholic and that behavior effected your R. My father was a drinker until I was 16 and has been in AA since. My mother is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and has never drank and never need to go to recovery - through Al anon I see that my mothers disease had a far greater impact on me then my Dads. Your W carries with her traits that are not conducive to smooth relationships because she never saw a smooth relationship grow up.
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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