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For some reason I feel like I need to clarify why I'm asking for her to do this. As I typed that it dawned on me (yes I'm slow) that my feelings are the reason and not her behaviors.

Is that what you all were trying to get through to me that I've been so slow to grasp????

So,

W, I want to let you know that having to see OM's t-shirt and his picture in my house every day feels very disrespectful and inconsiderate and I would like you to put them somewhere where I don't have to see them.

No consequences at this time. If I'm questioned about the "and if I don't want to" my follow up would be to suggest we call OM's wife and see if she has any concerns about these items that have been around our house. OR I will take them down and put them in her room where I don't have to look at them. I'm not one for destroying other's things (although I did empty an entire bottle of vodka she'd brought home once but that's another story....)


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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YES!!!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Hi CES, you're getting closer. You're talking about your feelings but you're calling them disrespectful and inconsiderate. Those are your assumptions about her motivation, not your feelings. What I think you mean is "I feel disrespected when I see these reminders of OM in my home." Now, I think you need to be more concrete in what you're asking for.

Why wait for her to do something with these? Do you think she's going to replace the photo or put up an argument about it? How about, "I'm going to put our family Halloween picture in the collage frame instead of OM's, and I'd like you to put away the t-shirt of his in the bathroom."

If she says no, at least you know where you stand with her. She hears how she's impacting you and she chooses not to change it. But I think she'll say that's ok and now you've got what you need.

Then, now that she knows how you feel about the shirt, plan on sticking it in the cabinet or drawer next time you notice it back on the hook.

I'd give her the photo to put somewhere.

That was good insight on the feelings versus the behaviors. I learned what people do is just about them. It prompts you to have a thought interpreting your observation, and then your feelings come from your thought. If you thought something different, your feelings would be different. It's so complicated.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Good stuff, Ad.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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2 - As a buddy of mine once said "I'm kinda purdy but I ain't too bright..." These are behaviors and paradigms that have lived with me for a long time. I know they're not helpful but its a slow process to recognize them and know how to break the chain of behavior.

Advina- thanks much for adding clarity. Your wording helps to better put it in the framework of my feelings vs. her motives. Little by little this will sink in with me.

The frame is hers. I think it would be seen as controlling if I selected the picture to replace this guy.

She'll be gone starting Friday so I'll have plenty of time to put the shirt away somewhere if she doesn't. Also, I guess I could even replace the picture if I wanted to. I'd certainly have time. There is this picture I love of my D when she was around 2 and she's got her first skinned knee. She's pulling up her pant leg to show it and she just looks so pathetic its cute.

But that's getting the cart before the horse. W needs a little time to decide what she wants to do and I need to tell her how I feel.

Also, went to my 2nd Al Anon meeting tonight. Tried a different place and this group had more men which seemed a little more comfortable for me. The topic was the reality that we have to express our needs to have them met rather than assuming people just know them. (time appropriate, I think YES).

I told W I was going out but didn't tell her where. When I got home a bit ago I let her know that I went to a support group meeting that my IC had recommended. She asked me in a rather curt voice what it was for. Then the kids came back into the room and I told her I'd talk to her later.

I'm exhausted tonight. Getting ready for bed. Thanks to all for your patience in helping me process what I'm doing and why and how and (and then repeat, second guess, go through it again, blah blah blah blah blah).....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
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Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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ces, you are really making great strides. We all have difficulty with these new behaviors and thought patterns.

It's like creating a whole new person.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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ces67 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: labug
ces, you are really making great strides. We all have difficulty with these new behaviors and thought patterns.

It's like creating a whole new person.


Thanks labug, and the weird thing is I'm curiously excited about that prospect. I've been feeling a need to change things about me for a while and have really struggled to put my finger on what it is and how to do it.

The al anon meeting tonight was helpful to hear people say things that better articulated my own feelings than I could put them myself.

Also, the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is forcing me to look at my own paragigms for what they really are rather than what I've told myself the are. Its kind of ugly but this process is helpful to let me see the bad stuff about myself and accept it for changing rather than beating myself up about it. I've done A LOT of that in my past and I can honestly say it doesn't work...


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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Ces maybe im wrong but I would not tell her about your groups or counseling sessions. Those are for you. It is none of her business. She is no longer privy to your schedule.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Me, too. I just had a very similar talk with my IC yesterday about how far I've come in the last year and dhow much better equipped I am for life.

I sabotaged myself for years and had a defeatist attitude because I didn't deserve better.

It is fun when you start to see the new stuff pay off by changing your life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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It was a slap in the face to read through some things and realize that I honestly believed my needs were not worthy of being met and I could accomplish more by being "nice" and accommodating every one else.

Also, before coming to bed, I went back up stairs and told my W about the support group. Here's what I told her:

Me: Its called Al Anon and I didn't want to go at first because it doesn't apply to my situation.

W: I know, its for people who are in families of alcoholics.
Me: And I know that is not my situation. But my IC encouraged me to try it. The meeting was very much about me and how I deal with life and how I can do things to live better. I didn't talk about your or our M.
W: Ok.
Me: just wanted you to know where I was and where I'll probably be going on Tuesday nights for a while. Good night....

She mumbled her usual "good night" and I came downstairs. I could tell she seemed upset. Her lips were pursed and she was focusing on the laptop and not me.

I've mentioned before that W's parents were both alcoholics. I tried to emphasize that I know she is not and that this is to help me. Not sure if she believes that or not but that is up to her.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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