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#2225924 - 02/29/12 03:43 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: zig]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thanks all for the encouraging words. Its not easy and doubt attacks me most days. If it were just me, I'd probably give in. But I love this woman and I don't want to be the guy that walked away just because it got tough.

jlove - Any strength or patience I have, I must credit to Christ. It is the principles of Christianity that serve as my foundation. The DB principles have really helped me put these more into action. I'm by NO MEANS great at it but it keeps me going.

2TP - Thanks for the prayers. I'll take all I can get. In the past week I've taken a very strong focus on prayer and gathered many around me to join me in these specifics. 2 weeks later, W is actually talking about seeing a counselor again. Its a first step that needs to continue for her own health.

Zig - thanks for stopping by the thread and your encouragement. You along with so many on this board have been a great deal of strength for me. I will certainly give thanks for this tiny step forward today.

The evening was typical. W is still in a visably bad mood. D even asked at dinner if she was OK. This is because she's hurting and my guess is her pride is hurt a bit just for asking about the counselors. I printed off the lists and left them by her purse. Before coming to bed I told her the info she wanted was there.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2226226 - 03/01/12 01:24 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
So a few new developments.

W tells me today that she's "thinking" of going on a trip for Spring break (starts 3/9). Just last week she had said she wasn't going anywhere. Now she wants to head to visit her foster parents who live about 4 hours north of where we use to live. She said she would "work" a couple days with her friend, visit my parents and go up to spend a few days with her foster parents. I just replied and said "OK, let me know what you decide to do.

I have no idea how she can afford this trip, especially after her fuss when I asked for help on the bills. Not sure about where you all are but gas is around $3.60 here and its an 8 hour drive back to our old place and 4 more to her FP's. That's a lot of money right there.

Also, the "t-shirt" has re-appeared and is hanging in our bathrom again. As a reminder, this is the t-shirt of the OM's drum corp. She put it away before her friend (OM's wife) got here and now that she's gone its back out again.

Between that and the picture in the collage, I'm feeling the desire again to address this. Not sure if that's best or not. I'm fine with working together for the kids and us living together. Frankly it give me more time. But if she is somehow continuing to cultivate her feelings for this guy in front of me in our home, then I may need to set some boundaries.

Also, as a side note, I noticed the OM's IM address is listed as a "recent chat". (yes snooping) That happened while her friend, the OM wife was in town so I didn't give it much concern. Too many pieces adding up right now even though its all still circumstantial.

OK, any 2x4s?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2226290 - 03/01/12 05:49 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Ces - there are a few comments for you in red font inside the quotation block below

Originally Posted By: ces67
So a few new developments.

W tells me today that she's "thinking" of going on a trip for Spring break (starts 3/9). Just last week she had said she wasn't going anywhere. Now she wants to head to visit her foster parents who live about 4 hours north of where we use to live. She said she would "work" a couple days with her friend, visit my parents and go up to spend a few days with her foster parents. I just replied and said "OK, let me know what you decide to do.

She seems to be in escape mode at the moment. Probably best that you didn't object. Let her do her thing.

I have no idea how she can afford this trip, especially after her fuss when I asked for help on the bills. Not sure about where you all are but gas is around $3.60 here and its an 8 hour drive back to our old place and 4 more to her FP's. That's a lot of money right there.

Didn't she get her own credit card? Reminds me of an old sitcom, I forget the name, but it had a character in it who is introduced to a check book for the first time and he goes on a shopping spree and his friend says where did you get the money and he says, who needs money, I have checks!

Also, the "t-shirt" has re-appeared and is hanging in our bathrom again. As a reminder, this is the t-shirt of the OM's drum corp. She put it away before her friend (OM's wife) got here and now that she's gone its back out again.

Between that and the picture in the collage, I'm feeling the desire again to address this. Not sure if that's best or not. I'm fine with working together for the kids and us living together. Frankly it give me more time. But if she is somehow continuing to cultivate her feelings for this guy in front of me in our home, then I may need to set some boundaries.

You need to detach some more here, CES. All that crap is just pulling you back into the emotional meat grinder. Do you best to ignore it. If you are sharing the bathroom, then maybe throw the tee shirt in the hamper every time you see it.

Also, as a side note, I noticed the OM's IM address is listed as a "recent chat". (yes snooping) That happened while her friend, the OM wife was in town so I didn't give it much concern. Too many pieces adding up right now even though its all still circumstantial.

Stop snooping! What does it ever get you except unanswered questions and heartache?

OK, any 2x4s?


Have you read the book, Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Dobson? You might want to check it out if you haven't done so already.

Hang in there!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2226315 - 03/01/12 01:12 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8685
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I've always thought if my H "cheated" that would be it, done, el final, adios, amigo! But after being here for awhile I can't say that with 100% certainty. But what I think I've learned is that if "stepping out" is not a deal breaker, why snoop to find things that are hurtful.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2226322 - 03/01/12 01:41 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Labug - I still feel like our M has hope. W is hiding a lot of things right now. Her spending, her schedule and her feelings towards OM, to name a few. It feels as if unless something draws her to face these truths there can be no forward movement. I struggle to know if I need to be the catalyst to help her face these things or allow God to work that in his own time.

Yes, snooping is my weakness. I am MUCH better than I use to be but it still happens on occasion. I don't address what I find. I simply file it away for reference or future use if needed.

2- She is definitely in escape mode and has been for a long time. Thus my struggle for what catalyst will help her face what she needs to face.

She does have her own cc and she's using it. If you remember, last month she put the statement in our bills to be paid but did not include the transaction sheet. This month she has not put it in at all and I'm guessing that's because she doesn't want me to know how much she has spent on that credit card. At this rate, she'll max it out in a few months and be stuck.

With the t-shirt, that approach seems a little passive-aggressive. I either ignore it or face it. Right now I am leaning towards facing it. To me this is a sign that she is even hiding things from her "best friend" about these feelings. Again, I feel like unless someone forces her to face what she is doing, it will continue. I know that's not very DB, but I'm not certain DB is the right approach 100% of the time.

I did read that Dobson book but it was very early after the bomb. I will pick it back up and look again with a frsh perspective. Thanks.

Given that I have avoided conflict for so long, maybe my 180 needs to be dealing with some of these things head on. I'm not saying it shouldn't be done with love & compassion, it absolutely needs to be. If I can't do this withoug being accusatory, then I won't do it. I'm taking time to process and was thinking of posting my approach here to see what people think.

I get why W would be attracted to OM (OK, not necessarily this guy, he's been described by others as a "sleezy used car salesman - but the concept). W has apparently struggled for years with our M without telling me. Given attention, kindness and friendship from an OM without the baggage of our isues has to be attractive. My thinking though is unless she is willing to let that go at some point, our M will never heal. That's just reality.

I'm willing to fight for my M and I need to decide if bringing this up will help or hurt. Initially it will definitely hurt, but is it a pain that will utlimately lead to healing?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2226334 - 03/01/12 02:04 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
She knows she's doing something inappropriate with OM- evidenced by the fact she consciencely decided to hide the shirt when her friend visited... Of there is nothing to hide between them, there would be nothing to hide.

It's majorly insulting that she's blatently putting him on display in front you. I like 2's idea of putting it in the trash everytime you see it!

Think long and hard before you confront her. Is it going to help or hurt your ultimate goal? Has your goal changed at all? In the same respect, I think you have every right to set some kind of boundary- after all, it is YOUR house too and you have the right to be comfortable with what goes on in your home. You wouldn't hesitate to speak up to a guest if they were doing something inappropriate in your home that was making the environment uncomfortable.... But this is something that effects your heart- you have to approach it more gently.

I think I just rambled thoughts instead of offering any solutions- sorry.
((ces))
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2226388 - 03/01/12 04:22 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: purgatory]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Think long and hard before you confront her. Is it going to help or hurt your ultimate goal? Has your goal changed at all?


Thanks P, I don't see it as rambling at all. I am taking some time to consider the potential outcomes. My goal is to still restore/renew my M with W.

Since the bomb, when we have interacted (few times) I was certainly on the defensive about how she was acting and how I thought she should act. - I was coming from a hurting place and that obviously didn't work.

I did learn quickly to never argue with what she felt. Even without DB, I knew that was a mistake. We feel what we feel and it cannot be argued away.

Since DB stuff, my interactions have been very non-confrontational. But I can't see that its getting us anywhere. I go back to the basic successes that I've seen and posted before. But I can't honestly tell if its a result of the DB activities or not. In many ways it still feels like we're in the same place we were over a year ago.

So with that in mind, maybe addressing her feelings towards OM is the 180 to create movement. Her hiding activities seem to indicated conflict with those feelings. Maybe getting them in the open is worth a shot. I really need to put thought around how to approach that conversation and will post here before I decide to do anything.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2226651 - 03/02/12 12:42 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
I've been thinking a lot about whether or not to confront my W about what I see regarding the OM. I'm really feeling like the motive to NOT confront her is driven from fear of rejection more than taking the high road.

W is in denial about a lot of things. She's secretly spending too much money on her CC. She's holding feelings for the OM and hiding it from me and her friend who is OM's wife.

If she pursues this OM, it will only end in pain. She will break apart 2 families, force 4 kids to deal with divorce and hurt and damage what friendships she has left. All for this one sleezy guy who may be willing to leave his own family.

Is it wrong to remind her of this or is it love? I love her too much to want to see her walk that path. I know I can't choose for her and ultimately she has to decide what she wants. But as a friend, shouldn't I try and help her see the damage she'll inflict upon herself and others?

I've got a draft of what I want to say and am having a close friend review it. Will post later for feedback. I know up front it may not be seen as "DB approved" but it may be the 180 I need to do.

The more I think about doing this the more a heavy weight sets into my chest. But giving into that weight and not saying anything feels like I'm letting go of my integrity.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2226658 - 03/02/12 01:19 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5187
Originally Posted By: ces67
I know up front it may not be seen as "DB approved"


And why do you think this is true?

If it was DB approved don't you think that everyone would be doing it.

Do you think you are the first person to think this up?

Do you really think this is going to work?

My suggestion is to listen to what is DB approved. There is a reason that it is.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2226663 - 03/02/12 01:24 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: Cadet]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3701
67,


What is the title of this thread again ????


Could you maybe define what that means to you ???

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