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#2208824 - 12/29/11 07:20 AM Still trying to change!!
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Hi Guys, I've started a new thread following hitting over 200!!

After Xmas day, wife and I have spoken everyday since, usually about the kids, but we are talking, big change after 4 weeks of no contact!!

Its all been light and easy going.

Last night she came to the house to see the kids for a while, I have them all week, she is back at work and I'm still on holiday.

It was all fine then she asked if I could help her with some bills this month, it was xmas, she was nearly broke and it would really help.
We started to talk about it, our daughter got a little upset, she thought it was an argument, so I said I'd call her when she got home

I went in the bath and called her to talk about things, basically xmas has wiped her out, she has the house to pay for, bills etc, and was really struggling this month, I asked her why should I really?, I gave her our home, I'm not allowed inside, and theres another guy there when he's home?

She said that he had nothing to do with this, fair point, she had not stopped me from coming in, she had and I told her so, and this month was a 1 off, she knew I had the money, and it would really help her, but she understood if I said no.

Then we got on to us again!!!
I know big mistake!!

She said that she she is still hurting badly and is still upset by all whats happened, she actually said she missed me at times, thats a new one!!!, but the hurt is still larger than the feelings of missing me.
Again I listened and validated, I told her that the 4 weeks of no contact was better for me at first, I just got on with things and was happy, but over time I missed her more than ever, she said she understood and knew what I meant, not sure if she saying that she felt the same, but it did sound like it.

She then mentioned my AA meetings and said that I wasn't the only 1 needing councelling,she needs to understand what happened also, again I'm not sure but I think she is having some councelling somewhere,this is the first time she has mentioned this, she followed this up by saying how hurt she was still

I told her I was happy in everything in my life, I was fit and well, work was good, our kids are great, but I cannot help how I feel about her, we have been apart 14 months and it still hurts, again she said she understood, not sure if that means she is hurting also or just agreeing with me.

She told me she still had a lot of bad memories and had them daily, the neglect and the hurtful comments when drunk, she said that I didn't understand how much I hurt her, I told her I have tried to understand, and would like the chance to make new good memories, that the hurt I caused only I can put right

I didn't mention OM there's no point, it's obvious he's just a crutch for her, this is all about me and her, he's just a by product of the situation.

So I guess it's back to no contact as best I can, she has to go through what ever she has to go through, the pain is still there, I cannot help her if she won't let me

I know she still loves me, I'm in the same place I have been for the past year, it's not getting any easier or better between us, I don't know if I should now look for a new relationship with someone else?

I miss my wife, I love her, but I cannot go through the rest of my life like this?

She knows my feelings, and I know hers

We get on fine, we love each other, I've lost my anger and resentment and I'm in a good place, but there seems to point in trying to convince myself theres a future for us, I need to move on.

If I do, I'm doing it for me, I have a lot going for me, and I have a life to live, I just don't want another year like the last.

If I meet someone else, I'll still love my wife, but maybe it's time I had someone being there fo me, someone for me to take places and sadly someone to benefit from the changes I have made and the lessons I have learnt

I so wish that person could be my wife, but if she doesn't want to be that person, there is no more I can do.

A new year maybe needs a new outlook on life

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#2214275 - 01/20/12 02:24 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
verycrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/11/06
Posts: 1567
Loc: somewhere out there...
Well, I hope the New Year brings you a lot of hope and progress with your situation. I guess, since she sees the good changes you have made, and it is obvious you are able to keep them up, it is just up to her to move forward from her hurt, eventually. Who knows what it will take for her to get out of the muck she is stuck in. She sees you getting a life, she sees how well you are doing. The A will hopefully end soon. The new has to wear off. Reality may be already setting in, when she has to call you for more money.
vc

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#2215289 - 01/24/12 06:27 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: verycrazy]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Hi VC, hope you are well

I've stayed off the boards for a while, evreything is the same old,same old

I feel like a mouse on a running wheel at times, same things going round and round!!

We have gone from no contact, to her calling me 4-5 times a day, mainly about nothing important, just feels like an excuse to call me.

A few weeks ago, after about 5 calls in one day, she even apologised for calling again?, I asked her what was going on between us?

We don't talk, we have both moved on, fine, I get it.
Then it starts again, the calls, the laughs, the constant contact, its really nice, but we both know whats happening, we both know we love each other deeply, she said she understood what I meant, but just enjoyed us getting on, I asked her how OM would feel if he knew, she said he was really nice, and she would not do anything to hurt him, she talks about him as if he's a good friend, not the love of her life?

I said we both know how we feel, its just between the 2 of us, we look at each other and I know what she's thinking, again I got the past brought up, my faults and the pain, again I accepted it.

I said that maybe we should just go back to no contact, its easier for us both, and the kids are not getting any mixed messages, my son had asked me if we were getting back together, we were getting on so well!!!

She said she understood and agreed it might be for the best.

Tough love for sure!!!

That was 2-3 weeks ago, it worked for about a week, then she called about something kids related, now we are back to the daily calls, she even laughs when she calls now, she knows she is doing it!!!

Om is back for around a few weeks, so I expect that the calls will stop for a while!!, I'm not going to mention anything, just leave it be

I don't call her, except to return a missed call, which I usually miss on purpose.

When I have the kids she calls my home, she speaks to the kids, then asks to speak to me, so I can't really ignore that call!!!

She has commented on the changes in me, how I'm a good person, a good parent, she was even talking about a past time when I was drinking, and ended with, thats all in the past now though!!, maybe slowly she is coming round, but its all a very slow process, but I just have to maintain being me!!!

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#2216941 - 01/29/12 12:13 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Hi guys

A few developments have happened and a few of your thought would be great

As I have said OM is around and as predicted the calls have stopped, I haven't called her, so there has been little contact for the last week really.

A few things happened regarding our D, nothing heavy just a few odd comments, it was pretty obvious that my wife and OM where having a night away somewhere, no big issue to me, I had the kids that night, and I just let the hurt go, and did not mention anything.

The following day she called me a few times, about nothing really, but as she had not called for around a week, it was obvious, again I didn't mention anything, the out of the blue she asked how my not drinking was going?

I told her fine, I didn't think about it really, I still went to AA, but I had complete control and was very happy, she said she was really pleased and we left it at that.

I have recently been taking a girl out I have knew for a long time, she is a little younger than me, very attractive, and we get on really well, its nothing serious, but I am enjoying the company of an attractive woman again, my wifes friends saw me 1 night with her and the next day I got a call from her about it, she was all cool about it, but the fact she mentioned it, meant it was on her mind.

So...last night the kids where with her and I took my friend for a drink and a meal, nothing fancy, but it was nice, while we were out wife called, I just let it go to voicemail, then she called again, then again, then again.....!!

When it got to 11 missed calls with no voicemail messages???
I called her and asked if there was a problem, tld her I had missed the calls, she said there was no need to ignore her if I was out with my girlfriend!!
I just laughed it off, and it was only about my son wanting his laptop dropped off!!, 11 calls!??

Then this morning I was out watching a footabll game in the local park, wife called again, was I ok to talk?, told her where I was and it was fine, she started talking aboutthe kids then mentioned last night, told her I was just out with XXXX, and I didn't ignore her, then said I had to go.

5 minutes later she called again, asked me to call her when I'm on my way home

So I stayed a while then got in the car and called her, she asked if I was ok?
She said that I didn't seem myself on the phone last night and was I ok?

I told her I was fine, and thanks for the call, she was going on about a few things, and I asked her if she was ok?

She was surprised at that, and said she was fine, then asked what I meant, I said that she seemed to me to that she was not totally happy, but maybe I was wrong, and I was sorry if I was.

Then it was all about us again!!

Basically she knows we are both seeing other people, and this is my fault, she still had loads of thoughts about me and the hurt I caused
The OM is a nice guy, but if I hadn't hurt her he would have never been on the scene, and if he upsets her in anyway he's gone!!, again its all about me and the hurt I caused.

I listened and accepted what she was saying, and I also told her I was sorry again, I'm also sorry for the fact she is still hurting and hope in time that those memories fade

I also said that only me and her knew how we really felt, I know I hurt her and I didn't deserve anything, but I missed her as a friend.

Then there was a load of what I did wrongs, and never did's, again I accepted it all, I was very calm right through it all, I am so happy in myself and my life that I can handle all the hurt I still have without losing control and blowing off

We ended the call laughing about something and there was no bad feeling, in fact she just called again to ask about something to do with the kids!!!

I am as confused I as have always been!!, without it dominating my life.

I know the feeling between us is still massive, but again the past is very much still in her head, we get on great, we can both talk calmly to each other, and she still cares for me judging by the calls just asking if I'm ok?

I'm not going to change anything I'm doing, as there is no need, everything is calm and positive, maybe we are no closer from being together, but we are not getting further apart either.

I love this woman with all my heart, but there is nothing I can do until she wants to be with me, all I can be is a good friend to her.

I cannot believe how much I have changed in the past 6-9 months, I'm a different person, maybe this is what she is seeing also, I just don't know!!!

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#2219006 - 02/05/12 02:28 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Evening People!!

Well it feels like I'm checking in with my weekly update, not much of an update, just the same really, well almost.

Like last week, OM is around still, so there is no contact for a week, I understand, I just get the odd text about the kids.

Last night I had my son stay over, it was his mums night, but she asked could I have him as she was going out, I knew it was with OM, but I said fine, I like having my son stay and didn't mention OM

So I get my son, and he tells me she has gone out with OM, no surprise!!, I asked him how he felt about everything, he said he was Ok, but didn't like OM being around, he doesn't like him, my son thinks he doesn't like him either, and that I should be back home, It was lovely to here how much he missed me, but also hurt that he was upset.

He then asked about my "girlfriend"??

I asked what he meant, he said that his Mum had told him that I had a girlfriend, and thats why I couldn't take him to football 1 night?, I laughed, and told him that I didn't have a girlfriend, but I knew a girl that I liked, that I took out a few times, but she wasn't a girlfriend, and that I only missed that night because I had to work late, I also said that nobody will come before him or his sister, that I hadn't forced another person him like his mother had, and would never do that to him, he just laughed it off, but why has she said these things to the kids??

My only thoughts are that she feels some sort of guilt for her actions, and is trying to point out she's not the only person seeing someone?, not sure really, but I still don't get it??

So today, as every Sunday, OM goes out with his friends, and I know the my W will be calling about something as a reason!!

I actually went out with my "friend" for lunch, it was really nice and relaxed, I can't have had a signal on my phone, but when we came out I had 3 missed calls pop up from my W.

I ignored it, said bye, and went home, I had 2 calls on my house phone from her, than after a while, she called again and I answered it.

It was about nothing again, school uniforms, and yes, she suddenly found what she was looking for when I told her I didn't have it at mine, it is so obvious she was just calling for a chat!!

And again it got around to us, she asked about my AA meetings, told her I had been going, I was fine, very well, and happy, she was pleased, then said that we only split because of my drinking, I acknowledged it, and asked hypothetically speaking, if I had realised that I was drinking too much and needed some help, would we have still split, she said no way, we only split as I was drinking and she had to do something about it.

The conversation went on about the past again, she is still hurt by what happened, she said that seeing how happy the kids were with me, and how happy they are with me not drinking is putting a lot of pressure on her?

She said that she knew that they wanted us back together, but splitting up was mainly for the sake of the kids, and that I would still be drinking if she hadn't left, again I agreed, and thanked her for leaving me and helping me get to where I am now.

She then talked about our home, how expensive it was, and that us splitting was putting pressure on her with that also, bills etc, I said I knew what she meant, and it was sad that we split up, as we had a great lifestyle with material things, lovely home, holidays, cars, etc, but we were both suffering from it, and our kids mostly, but I will try to help as I can

We sorted of ended it there, again both on good terms, but I don't expect a call until next weekend! haha!!

Maybe I'm reading into things too much, but there seems a very small seed of doubt in her mind?

Again it was as basic as saying I love you, but your drinking hurt us all, I still love you, I know your not drinking, but I cannot be sure, or trust you?

Its all the interest in me?, if she was totally over me and moving on, why the interest, the kids will only tell her good things, and how happy they are with me, maybe she is testing the water for herself?

I could be miles away with my thoughts, but when OM is not about I get the calls, even my son mentioned it last night that she calls me a lot when OM is not there, its not bothering me, I know its happening, if anything I smile thinking she's "cheating" on him with me!

There seems to be something going on in her mind, maybe she is getting serious with this guy, and is just making sure she did the right thing before totally commiting to him?, or maybe she is seeing that I am not calling her, chasing her, I am not drinking, I'm happy, and getting on with life, and in that moment maybe she is thinking, " what if?"

I don't know, but I'd like to think the later.

Babysteps it maybe, but it feels positive.

Thanks Guys

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#2220038 - 02/08/12 02:40 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Just a bit of journalling really!!

Everything has gone back to the same old same old, OM is still around, he's basically living with my wife without actually moving in

I'm keeping calm about it, but it does hurt when I think about it

What I don't get is the contact we have, then don't??

Is she unsure about it all, or is she just being social?

We had times when we had no contact at all, so she could have maintained that, but as soon as we speak, it's back to non-stop contact when OM is not around, then back to very little when he is?

Sunday was a typical example, if I ignore her calls, she rings constantly until I answer, she doesn't leave any messages, just rings and rings, my house and my mobile

I don't call her or contact her, that's all from her, and conversations between us are good

There is no signs that things with OM are coming to an end or on the rocks, but we still talk alot when he's not around, he probably doesn't know how much we talk, she acts very cool when he's around and doesn't call me, she is so hot and cold

I've told her that we both know what's going on, she hasn't denied it, but it continues, it's confusing, but at least I can see what's happening, and try not to let it bother me

So it seems she is either unsure about being with OM or she is having some doubts about us?
I try not to think about it, but the hot and cold is so obvious, to call me, chatting and laughing when he's not around seems very natural, which makes me think the cold front is all a front for his benefit?

So if she's pretending in front of him, she is basically lying to him in a way, I can pretty much guarantee that he doesn't know she calls me nearly everyday when he's away??

She's got the best of both worlds, but I can see it

I'm maintaining my distance and not putting any pressure on her, she knows how I feel, she just has to go through what she feels is right, don't know what's going to happen between us, but at least I'm being honest with myself and my feelings

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#2220193 - 02/08/12 11:31 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
verycrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/11/06
Posts: 1567
Loc: somewhere out there...
Hi DC, I'm glad to see things are going ok with you. Do you wonder if your W feels you have now moved on, since you are dating? I don't think the dating is a good thing, since you are still married, but you have to decide that for yourself. I know y'all aren't serious, but what if the lady feels differently?

As for seeing the A with om ending anytime soon, who knows, it could possibly burn out eventually. One thing, she seems to want to know you are right there when she wants contact with you, and that's why the calls over and over. I wonder if she would feel panicky if she began to feel you HAVE really moved on from her. It seems she calls and calls constantly until you answer, to ask a relatively unimportant and non urgent question as an excuse to make sure you are still available for her. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me she does not want you to move on, no matter if she may say so. And she probably feels relieved when you finally answer. And it's like okay, good, he's still there.

As for om, he probably is just in this for as long as he can get what he wants without much effort other than coming in every other week or so, and with little or no commitment. If he knew you and your W were talking so much, he may get a bit jealous, if he's that type, otherwise he probably could not care less. But, he is just a nasty old a-hole, anyway, you are much better than him.

vc

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#2220233 - 02/09/12 07:21 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: verycrazy]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Hi VC

Hope you are well!

You call it dating, but its not really, we are just friends at the moment spending some time together, nothing else

Its funny because my wife obviously thinks its dating as she told the kids I had a girlfriend, still not happy about that, if or when that happens, that should come from me, not her telling tales, I've let it go and not mentioned it to her, but it does seem quite childish?

You maybe right, she could be scared that I've moved on, she has asked about things, and I tell her its nothing serious, and I'm doing nothing wrong, she agrees with me, but I do think this wasn't expected in a way, yes we split up, but she knows how much it hurt me, how I wanted her back, but now I've done a full 180, don't call her, spend time with someone else, and I'm happy in me, I'm sober, fit and well, I think all of this has caught her by surprise a little, it maybe why she is spending more time with OM, but if I'm honest, i think she is trying to make it work with him, rather than just going with things, if she was so happy with the guy, and all was well, she wouldn't have any interest in me at all.

I know I think about her daily, but I don't call her, or ask about her, so for her to find a reason to call me, I must be on her mind a fair bit, I don't think its just a spare of the moment thing, its too regular and obvious, again I could be wrong?


The OM could be a lot more serious in his feelings than she is, I know he's lent her money for some home improvements, it seems he's really keen, and I don't think he's aware of whats going on, as I have said, she doesn't even acknowledge me when I get the kids when he's there, but when he's not, she is out chatting to me, calling me, etc, its so obvious that I just smile now about it, no use getting upset anymore, I'm so past all that anger and hurt.

There is also the talk about if I hadn't drank, there would be no way this guy would be on the scene, its hardly painting this guy as the love of her life!!
And the comment that it was only the drink that split us up, then asking how I am, still going to meetings, how I feel, do I miss the drinking, I truly truly feel, she is sat watching me, I know she never saw this coming, the changes in me, she has told me so, I'm 7 months sober, she never ever thought that would happen, and honestly neither did I!!

Then there is the happier, calmer me, the smile is back on my face, we laugh on the phone, when he's not around she comes to mine once a week, usually about nothing, but she calls she needs something, usually kid related, and put the kettle on, she laughs when she says it!!
All of this has totally thrown her, but to be honest, even my friends cannot believe the change in me, so she's not alone!!

So I continue with being the best me ever, and just hope one day, she wakes up and thinks, "what if?"

That is all I need, I have the rest of my life under control, and she will be the winner if she gives me a chance.

Thanks

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#2220384 - 02/09/12 04:15 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
verycrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/11/06
Posts: 1567
Loc: somewhere out there...
Hi, yes I am doing ok, a tornado wiped out much of my neighborhood, but our house came through ok, thank God.

Ok, I get it is just friends, hanging out together, just be careful with your feelings as well as hers.

Your W does seem torn, but trying to make something of a go with om, who knows? She still keeps bringing it up about your drinking, so I wonder if every time she feels guilty about the situation, and what she is doing, she brings it up.
vc

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#2222140 - 02/15/12 09:26 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: verycrazy]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Any thoughts on this guys would really help, bit of an awkward 1!!

My "wife" call me on Saturday asking if I could look after the kids for a few hours 1 night for her while she went out for a meal, no problem, they are my kids and I miss them.

Then it was could I drop them off for her as she was having a few drinks and not driving, yes fine no problem to me.

When I dropped them off OM car was there, kids looked at me, and I knew they felt awkward, but I smiled and got on with things, this is not going to get to me, even though it hurt!!

Anyway moving on, I knew OM was going back away today, and I knew she would be calling me, low and behold, guess who has just called!!!

It is so obvious it laughable, but I don't mention anything, just seem happy and helpful.

So today's problem is our son, he's just sat on his Xbox for hours and she cannot get him to do anything when she asks him to, he's angry and unhelpful, she wants to know if I can sort him out, and have his Xbox at mine, I said thats fine, no problem.

I did point out though that he's on it too much at her house, I didn't mention it but she basically lets him do what he wants when OM is around to keep him quiet, I said I know its hard but you have to be firmer with him and not just let him do what he wants, she agreed and said she has let him get away with things, but would appreciate my help on this, she has tried but thinks he needs his fathers influence more!!!

So because she has caused a situation, she is asking me to get involved and sort things out.

Again I said I would speak to him and try and help, she was all thankful and appreciative.

So, my thoughts are, he's my son, he's my responsibility, but why should I get involved with a situation she has caused because of OM, but I am his dad?

But the comment, he needs his dad?, whats that all about?
Of course he needs his dad!!, but she left me and took up with OM!!!!

She has also mentioned in the past few weeks about how she feels under pressure because the kids miss me, and how well we get on.
I dropped something off at the house a few days ago and the kids came to my car to see me, my daughter got in and was cuddling me and hugging me, then I saw out of the corner of my eye, my wife, stood in an upstairs window watching us having fun.

I'm going to speak to my son, not give him a hard time, just try and be his dad, and his friend, and try and give him some advice and maybe find out whats going on with him.

I epect the OM situation will be part of it, not sure how I handle that with my "wife" if he brings it up, but I'll just have to see how that plays.

My other thought is, is she trying to use the kids as an excuse for us to try again, without her losing face with friends, family , and OM?

OM has just left, and she calls me, as I have said its so obvious to me, but she is calling me.

I know she has doubts, or is torn about our situtaion, we have spoken about things and what happened, etc

She has also said that she wouldn't do anything to hurt OM, he's a nice guy, it makes sense to me that IF she was even thinking about trying again, using the kids as a reason really helps.

I have nothing to base any of this on, other than the conversations we have had about us recently, and that anytime OM is not around, she finds a reason to call me, when he is around, nothing!!!

I smile about it now, no use getting upset about whats going on, I'm happy, in a good place, but I do miss my wife and family.

Any thoughts guys would really help

Thanks

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