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#2227378 - 03/04/12 05:07 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: adinva]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
When I first read this last night, I thought much the same as Ad. It's not easy and you found that out and before you say, but... view it from her side of the coin.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2227479 - 03/04/12 11:58 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
adinva, labug, thank you for pointing that out.

I am going to try to use this as an opportunity to understand.

What she said upset me because I have always been there making it as easy as possible. If she was making dinner, I had the kids and was seeing to them in every way. I didn't always get the kids to set the table or help out with dinner, but I tried and sometimes they did. I made sure they washed their hands and came to the table. And when we were at the table, I made sure she was thanked and appreciated for the food by me and by the children.

I did this one or more times a day, every day.

Now, it's really easy to have food cooking on the stove, and D3 has had an 'accident' in her pants, or S6 has done, well... put ADHD, sibling resentment, anger over the family situation and see what you come up with.

I never said it wasn't difficult to do this all alone, and I never wanted it, either. But I'm going to be as good at it as I can be.

I'm just expressing my frustration here. Now, how am I going to use this to understand her? I'm still really confused about why she made the comment. My best idea is to just ask her why she said it.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2227548 - 03/05/12 04:18 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Sorry, this gets long and bloggy. But I may be doing something right and I want to write it down for consideration at a later time.

I feel pretty good about today. What can happen on a Sunday is I meet my wife at church, she is unable to look near me without scowling, but we stay with the kids to socialize with the other families and church members until about noon. Finally, upset that I exist, my wife leaves with the kids only further annoyed by the fact that I'm helping her get them back to and into her car.

Another thing that can happen is that we have a good time at church, W invites me over for lunch, we hang out, then she invites me to stay for dinner, then we share in putting kids to bed, and then I finally go back to my one-room apartment.

To anyone confused about my status as an atheist, it is a UU church, and they take all kinds. It's a nice place.

So today was in the middle of the two extremes, but it felt really good.

W let me take D3 out after church today. At the hardware store, I bought her a tiny tape measure and little wrench and got some stuff I needed to fix things around the house. We ate lunch out. When we got home for D3 naptime, W offered to let me "do" naptime. I would normally jump at that, but I asked her to do it so I could fix some things while W was upstairs. (I was trying to avoid being in the same place at the same time with her, so she didn't mind my being at the house.) W was taking a while, I fixed what I came to fix, but S6 was playing by himself on the computer. I asked if he'd like me to read to him for a while, so we did that until W finally came downstairs. I would have left right after I finished the chapter, but D3 was calling for mommy and W was having stomach distress and stuck in the bathroom.

So I went upstairs and got D3 to go to sleep. When W was finally out of the bathroom, I left the house. I went to the neighborhood coffee shop to get some work done on the computer. I had no further expectations, but W texted me that D3 left her stuffed animal in my car and asked if I'd drop it off before bedtime. When I got there, W offered me leftovers for dinner (after I looked longingly at the grilled cheese sandwiches she had just thrown in the garbage!!!). W was giving D3 a bath, and S6 was on the computer again, so I figured this time I'd have him read to me while we waited for Mom to finish up with his sister. I tried to read my wife carefully and not be there if she wanted me away. I ended up helping S6 get bathed and ready for bed before W took both kids upstairs for bed time.

Once again, I found my wife away from me, so I figured no harm could come from me spending a little more time at the house while she was busy with the kids. So I did the dishes, did some laundry, and started cleaning up the place. I put my coat on and got ready to go but W invited me to clean up the house a little more. So I did. I kept any talk light, but eventually she brought up the idea that I hadn't appreciated what she had been doing all these years making dinner.

I was still baffled by her meaning, though I came to realize that what she meant was that I appreciated in the sense that I always thanked her, but I didn't appreciate in the sense that I didn't comprehend what the effort entailed. She has the perception that I think I can do this without practice and effort and I don't understand why she thinks I think that. But I let it rest.

I got ready to go again, and she gave me the most baffling invitation of all. She asked me to help her do sit ups to help her out with a challenge she was assigned at her gym this week. So I took off my coat and shoes, got down on the floor, locked legs with her, and we did 75 sit-ups together. I felt like a teenager, excited for any physical contact with the girl I am interested in.

It's been 7 months now (OMG, WHAT?) since I've gotten sweaty with my wife. This was welcome.

Finally, I did leave the house, taking the garbage with me as I went (for the third time that day). How can we be making that much garbage?

I think my recent interest in cooking has done a lot to increase her interest in me. I'm most certainly keeping that up. If the stomach is the way to that girl's heart, I'm pleased to make that happen.

I also think my decision to avoid contacting her by text or email has helped and I'm going to keep that up. I was tempted to make email contact today, but I resisted.

I'm enjoying the good moments, and I'm preparing to increase my efforts in the areas that seem to be working. I'm trying to keep my expectations low, and preparing to remain cool and detached for the obligatory post-good-time nastiness that is likely to come this week.

Thanks for listening. smile
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2227555 - 03/05/12 04:30 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Good stuff AT! Glad you're able to see what is working and can continue the pattern.

I admit I can't quite picture the "locked legs" sit up position but hey, glad it was fun!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2227564 - 03/05/12 05:17 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: ces67
I admit I can't quite picture the "locked legs" sit up position but hey, glad it was fun!


More like locked ankles. When you do sit-ups, your legs want to lift up off the floor. One way to address this is to have someone hold your feet down. Another is to lock your ankles together and do sit-ups simultaneously.

I've been doing the P90-X Ab Ripper routine for months and have little trouble doing any kind of sit-up. Ab Ripper takes less that 15 minutes to do, and if you do it every other day, you will be amazed at the results. Rock-hard ripped abs. It's amazing.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2227610 - 03/05/12 01:25 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
I've done that one a few times with my brother-in-law. Tried the "insanity" video as well. Definitely a good workout!

I'll have to put "locked leg sit ups" as one of my little goals for progress!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228208 - 03/06/12 09:35 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I see W again today. I'm making dinner again today. I went to the house this morning and pre-prepared everything before work, so when I get home it all goes on the stove. If W doesn't stay for dinner, she'll be missing out.

W goes kick boxing Tuesday nights, so that gives me a little more time to work on the house.

Without saying a word to her, without emails, or text, there is a lot I can be doing to fill up the love bank, so I'm going to keep on that.

I've gone a full week without sending her a single email now. I aim to make it a month. I sent her one or two texts in that time, having no emotional content. I'm feeling good about the good this is doing for both of us.

How many times in the last week I didn't have to spend half an hour staring at my email or text, trying to figure out what not to say or what to add to make an impact! So unnecessary.


Last week, Tuesday, W talked to one of the DB coaches with the expectation that we'd both talk to her later. Later that day, W told me "I don't think I'll be doing that." I was very disappointed at the time she told me this, but almost immediately things have been better between us.

I've been thinking about scheduling a private conference with the DB coach, but with things going well, I think I might wait another week or two and see if W wants to try again.

Then again, maybe I should just talk to Laurie right away and not loose any time on whatever advice she might have.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2228359 - 03/07/12 03:37 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Visit at the house went well. Dinner was late despite a lot of effort in preparation today because I hadn't anticipated how *long* brown rice took to cook. A long time. I'm learning.

W had a migrane but was actually really nice. When she came home from kickboxing, I made sure I was ready to leave the house and everything was straight and in order. I think it makes her more comfortable to talk if she knows I really could leave at any moment. Early on, I noticed she started to be unable to look directly at me and I realized I was probably fixed on her most of the time, so I started looking everywhere but her face for a while and that got better as well.

I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on things.

And then, after I left the house, I called her about something I forgot - bank account is empty until payday - Friday. I wanted to remind her not to spend any money. And we started talking about money a little bit and it was a mistake. She started to get upset and had to get off the phone.

So, I'm going to be a lot more cautious about getting into money talks.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2228453 - 03/07/12 01:42 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey AT, glad you feel some positives from what's going on.

I'm not much of a cook, I can do some basics but getting it all ready at the same time is a skill that I've yet to master!

Learn as you go. You seem to be observant and able to adjust to what you see and from what I can tell, that's a big part of the 180s.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2228697 - 03/07/12 11:52 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
Thank you very much for sharing your story here. I'm pretty new, and get confidence from seeing how things work.
After reading, I just wanted to ask about your social life. That might be an important part of GAL and 180. Don't want to assume you don't, but going out with friends, finding a guy you can really share what is going on in your life with, might be very valuable to you.
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

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