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What if the t-shirt just happened to get ruined in the wash while she's gone? Or perhaps you thought it was just another towel (since she uses it like one) and you cleaned your engine with it, then you had to bleach it to get the grease out of it.... Oops!


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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ces67 Offline OP
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Not a bad idea, purg. I also considered opening up the picture frame and putting the words a$$hole on the back of OM's picture. Only I would know it was there and it would make me smile every time I passed it.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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I know you're kidding around, but I really think you want to steer clear of passive-aggressive behaviors.

What you accomplish by drawing a line in the sand about the shirt is setting a boundary and having it respected. I don't think it's best for you to find out exactly what her feelings are for OM. Like 2TP said, you don't want to cement those thoughts.

Getting the shirt out of the bathroom does not get OM out of her life (or your life), but it does show her that you are not willing to pretend that nothing is going on and you are not willing to be disrespected in that way in your home.

Keep to 2TP's talking points. Say very little. Ask nothing. Get rid of the shirt, make your expectations clear, and leave it at that.

Maybe... maybe that will actually be a turn-on to your wife, anyhow. Maybe she needs you to man up a little bit.


I may be over-eager because I wish I had an equally attractive opportunity to throw cold water on my W's EA. If she goes back to texting him constantly when we are around each other, I'll say something, but for now, I'm just putting it out of my mind.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
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S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
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ces67 Offline OP
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very good points AT, and yes, just joking about both of those things. I have no interest in the passive-aggressive stuff. If I decide to do something about it, I will definitely speak directly to W about it.

I do not want to do it right before she goes out of town though. W will be back in our former town at least part of the week and will be around OM at least some. I don't want her leaving town mad at me and making him look even more ideal.

Maybe I'm wrong and it does need to be brought up before she leaves. I wish I knew the answer to this but I honestly don't.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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ces67 Offline OP
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Soooo, I'm still deciding what I want to do about the t-shirt & pic. I'm drawing this out and its ridiculous that I've not made a decisio in my own opinion.

Here are some "things" that have happened in the past few days that I feel may be helpful direction for me.

1) Encouragement from close friends here and nearby about focusing my comments on the boundary issues and leaving out the OM stuff.
2) Lessons on forgiveness and acceptance
3) Reading a book where this week's topics have been the following:
-facing fears
-being honest with my feelings and living a life of
integrity
-choosing for me and what I feel is right rather than asking
for a "committee" consensus
-setting boundaries for myself and being open about them to
others.

I feel I need to set a clear boundary and have the conversation. It may go the way I want and it may not. But to say nothing seems to be giving away my own boundaries and not being true to myself. And that's not healthy for me, nor is it the "high road" if I resent that fact that these items remain in my house.

wish me luck...


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
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Putting finances in order for "D"
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Luck!

How about posting here what your language will be in stating your boundary.

I always have the urge to say toooooooo much.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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ces67 Offline OP
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me too bug! Thnaks! 2 gave some good edits to me earlier in the post so I'll work from there and post a little later (gotta get some work done now!)

Also wanting to try out a new Al Anon group this evening and plan on letting my W know about it since I'll be leaving the house around 6:30 to attend.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Ces - maybe take a lesson from my recent effort to engage my W on a challenging topic. Here is the relevant piece from my thread...

Quote:
This afternoon, W and I were eating a late lunch and this is where I chose to engage her. I told her that I had been doing some thinking about how we communicate with each other and how when she is not clear in what she needs or wants, then I go into automatic fixit/control mode and I think this is where we sometimes get sidetracked.

I gave her the two examples...

So I told her that for me to manage my control/fixit behaviors I needed her help and rather than leave me guessing as to what she wants or needs, simply tell me and if I can do it or make adjustments to my schedule, I will. And if I can't I will let her now that as well.

She was surprisingly open to this line of commentary and said she would from now on....


See if maybe you can apply this approach to the issue of the tee shirt and picture.

Something along the lines of "W, I need your help with something that has been bothering me. When I see the tee shirt in the bathroom and the picture of the OM in the collage hanging on the wall, it really upsets me and causes me to be anxious and (insert whatever other emotion you tend to experience). So I am hoping you'll understand my feelings here and consider removing those constant reminders that are so upsetting to me."

It is not being aggressively confrontational and you are telling her how you feel and what you want. Give it some time to sink in and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take steps to address. It may not be immediate but I'd be surprised if she didn't do something to address your stated concern.

Hope this is helpful.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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ces67 Offline OP
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How about this...

W, I noticed something and I'd like to talk to you about it. I noticed that while BFF was here, the drum t-shirt you keep in the bathroom got put away and then it came back out after BFF left.

Not sure why you felt the need to put it away while BFF was here but I would appreciate the same consideration. Between the t-shirt and OM's picture in the collage, it feels disrespectful and inconsiderate to me to have these things out where I have to see them every day.

I would appreciate you putting these things away so they are not out in the open in our house.


I tried to keep this short and too the point. Other versions got very wordy and definitely had undertones of "blame" that I tried to take out. Thanks for the feedback.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Fixed it for you....

Originally Posted By: ces67
How about this...


W, got a minute?I noticed something and I'd like to talk to you about it. I noticed that while BFF was here, the drum t-shirt you keep in the bathroom got put away and then it came back out after BFF left. <<<------ you are baiting her into a defensive reaction with this comment. It may be true but is will not go well.

Not sure why you felt the need to put it away while BFF was here but I would appreciate the same consideration. The tee shirt and the photo in the collage really bother me. Between the t-shirt and OM's picture in the collage, it feels disrespectful and inconsiderate to me to have these things out where I have to see them every day.

I would appreciate you putting these things away so they are not out in the open in our house.

I tried to keep this short and too the point. Other versions got very wordy and definitely had undertones of "blame" that I tried to take out. Thanks for the feedback.



Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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