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Originally Posted By: labug
Do you fell like you messed up? What you said was from the heart and well said.

Now this
Quote:
when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.]
Guilt is not always a bad thing, people should feel guilt when they hurt other people. That's not false guilt.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to apologize.


OK, I re-read this-who felt guilty, the mom or the daughter? On first read I thought it was the mom.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Dunno sounds like talking your way out of or in instead of acting? Act as if comes to mind. We all make mistakes. No one here is an expert. So don't beat yourself up. Wait and see what happens next. If he responds well than u know what to do next. If he becomes an ice block u know what not do.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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I agree with Labug I dont think you need to apologize for what you said.

Sounds like a wonderful conversation with your H. I think you definitely planted a seed, dont expect too much too soon but its so wonderful and hopeful.

My girls are too cute, thanks.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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I don't think you screwed up at all! I think it was good for you let him know where you stand. You remained calm and composed, which made him listen to your words rather than be distracted by emotions.

It sounds like your H is very much on the fence of things. He's probably questioning everything, he's flip flopping. He is trying to make sense of it, but needs time to do so.

The fact that he said "let's see what happens during/after the year in A" shows that he's trying to buy time. He's not sure of his feelings yet. Now get back on that DB track and show us how it's done!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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GOOD GIRL! Proud of you. You didn't screw up. Do you see how he reacted? He felt emotion (and NOT the wayward spouse anger) and he thanked you for telling him. This is the kind of thing I did when J and I were separated. The more time that went by with me obviously moving on from him (yet flirting with him and chatting with him, making sure we were both laughing and remembering the good times), the more he realized that whatever he thought he wanted when he left wasn't what he actually wanted. He wanted me back.

Of course nobody can predict what will happen, but I really think your H NEEDS to feel that you're not pining for him anymore. He won't take strides to come back if he knows he could have you in an instant. JMO.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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Hey Purg I just sent my request as well. Thanks







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Thank you all for your feedback. I *do* feel good that I laid it all out on the table, that way I don't have to wonder 'what if'. I'm not going to bring it up again, and just pray that it planted a seed.... Only time will tell.

Bug- I was my GD that said she felt guilty. I'm not exactly why, but it's probably something to do with her loyalty to her mom. It was interesting that she didn't seem uncomfortable with my H expressing feelings for her mom smirk

Today:
Didn't hear anything from H all day. He showed up at the hoise after work, without notifying me. I didn't feel the need to correct him, probably out of fear that it would send him running away. He played a video game with S6 for almost an hour, while I stayed upstairs and did chores.

When he was leaving, S6 asked him why he had to leave all the time and why couldn't he just sleep at our house. [I was in the kitchen with the water running to try and drown out the conversation]. I couldn't hear what H was telling him, but he stayed a few more minutes, and then left. I can't imagine that made him feel good.

This was the first time S6 has acknowledged the sitch, and he expressed sadness. The fact that H couldn't stay simply b/c S6 asked him to- is a strong reminder of just how selfish the WAS can be. I mean, I understand why he couldn't stay if *I* asked him, but his *son* asked him to stay- and he still said no.

This was the pain I never wanted to experience: seeing my son in pain from his dad's 'rejection'. I don't want to have "the talk" with him.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Originally Posted By: purgatory
I *do* feel good that I laid it all out on the table, that way I don't have to wonder 'what if'. I'm not going to bring it up again, and just pray that it planted a seed.... Only time will tell.


I have struggled with wanting to lay everything out on the table recently so I won't wonder "what if". My WAW and I have not had a R talk in 4+ months and I struggle w/ not bringing up per DB'ing rules vs. being too stubborn in wanting her to initiate and vs. sweeping things under the rug (a historic relationship dynamic of ours), etc...


I really don't see a negative in it if you do not pressure and/or pursue and are just letting your S know where you are coming from. They may percieve it as pressure but your continued and consistant actions speak louder than any conversation you have IMO.

I think you handled it great and can't imagine it not planting a seed. Great Job! smile


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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That is a sad picture you paint of your husband leaving the little boy, soon after his small inquiry for his daddy to stay longer. You better believe to is selfish. In that particular situation, he should have stayed to put the child to bed.

Oh, dear. After the above, I would have recommended, very soon, husband needs to buck up, and explain the new arrangement he prefers in living apart from his family. Or, maybe a therapist should be consulted. Would it be best to live a lie, or a pseudo-comfortable limbo, for a year whilst husband is in Afghanastan? Can kids read what's really going on anyway?

Perhaps the year away would be helpful in the recovery of the marriage. Is that a possibility? I cannot imagine this situation with children. How complicated.


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
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((((( purg )))))

there are days where I just want to lay it all put on the table too but, I'm afraid I'm just going to come across judgemental or angry which will just make H shut down. I wish there was an opportunity to speak w/ him where I could voice how I feel. Situation never presents itself though.

As for H still leaving when your S asks him to stay. I totally get that. My kids will tell H how much they miss him and why does he have to go etc. Sometimes I just want to shake him and say.. What is wrong with you?? In the end, I focus on the fact that I am here. And H's relationship w/ the kids is his responsibility whichever way he chooses to go. I figure it will be the kids that fuel the catalyst for change IF H decides to change.

Can we get on a different ride soon?


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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