He insists that she will be better at my house as we were living together there when we adopted her and that is, according to him, her home. He also insists that she bonds better with women and she'd miss me more than she misses him.
When he has her he often texts me updates or pictures.
Dropped her off there today, was pretty much a waste of driving time. Takes me an extra 10 minutes to get to his house, and he didn't walk her before he left for work. He asked me to go check on her at lunch, so I drove back over and walked her at lunch. And now he's saying he might work overtime, so I might pick her up before he even gets home. Added 45 minutes of driving to my day and I'm still doing 100% of the work!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
[13:54] roger: How's puppy doing? [13:57] mi: This whole thing is a total waste if you don't have something planned for her [13:57] mi: Or aren't at least going to help me out with walking/feeding or something [13:58] mi: I added all this extra driving and time to my day [13:58] mi: just to have her cry at me when I left to go back to work [14:01] roger: OK. Sorry, I thought it would help a little bit but apparently not. I did tell u that I was busy today. and I've been swamped. [14:03] mi: Yes, you did. But I told you in advance that she hadn't been walked this morning. [14:04] roger: I konw but by the time u got there I aas already late [14:04] roger: I will walk her when i get home [14:05] mi: It's true we were later than I wanted to be, Kelsey is not liking daylight savings time. But it doesn't actually take any of the stress, financial strain, or responsibility off of me if Kelsey doesn't even get to spend any time with you. [14:08] roger: Yeah well... If it's too much for you and u need some help I need more advance notice or at least drop her by on the days u need me to watch her. [14:08] roger: I don't mind watching her and spending time with her [14:08] mi: You were the one who offered to have me bring her by today, I can't give you more advance notice than that lol [14:09] roger: I told you the circumstances. [14:09] roger: I told u last night that if u do bring her I can't see her for lunch [14:10] roger: at least I thought I said that to you [14:10] roger: if not I apologize [14:10] mi: Yes, you did. And I don't mind letting her out at lunch. But I didn't realize I would be walking her at lunch to make up for her missed walk this am, and possibly beating you to your house to pick her up, so I'd have to walk her after the gym as well [14:11] roger: I will keep her overnight [14:11] roger: don't worry about it [14:11] roger: Go to the gym and leave her there [14:11] roger: I will be home by 6 [14:12] roger: I will walk her [14:12] roger: and take care of her tonight [14:12] roger: Leave her for 2 days if u want [14:12] roger: I am leaving for Napa on Sat Eve [14:13] mi: I will think about it [14:13] roger: Also if u need help with vet bills or anything let me know [14:13] mi: thank you for the offer [14:13] roger: all u have to do is ask [14:14] mi: that reminds me her heartworm refill needs to be ordered [14:14] roger: do me a favor.. If u know what brand it is send me the link and i will order it [14:15] mi: prescription is on-file with the vet, have to call them [14:15] roger: How much is it usually? [14:15] roger: do u remember? [14:16] roger: ballpark? [14:16] mi: her total visit in October was like $134, that included shots and heartworm. [14:16] mi: 6 mo supply [14:16] mi: so I'm sure the heartworm was a small part of that [14:16] roger: OK do u want cash or wine? [14:16] mi: hah [14:17] mi: do you think I'd ever turn down wine? [14:17] roger: NOPE [14:17] mi: smart man (mostly not sarcastic since he's right about the wine) [14:18] roger: My mama didn't raise no idiot :P [14:18] roger: contrary to popular belief [14:19] mi: you play your part so well [14:20] roger: which one? the village idiot? lol [14:21] mi: every village needs an idiot. just wouldn't be the same without one [14:22] roger: it's easier to play dumb. Most people leave u be [14:28] roger: Glad u think so highly of me :P [14:28] roger: lol [14:29] mi: sometimes not playing dumb is just as off-putting [14:29] mi: and can you really blame me at this point? (really, why did he give me this opening? I'm so not in a mood to play nice for his self-esteem!) [14:35] roger: I think my problem is I don't give a [censored] which leaves me with very few friends [14:36] mi: There's an important distinction between not caring what the stupid masses think [14:36] roger: And that's the part of Me which I call the "playing dumb" [14:36] roger: True. [14:36] roger: I do care about some things. [14:36] mi: and sharing your likes and opinions and respecting your friends opinions [14:39] mi: I think having good friends is more important than having a lot of friends [14:39] roger: likewise\ [14:40] mi: But people aren't disposable. And you don't just cut them out of your life. [14:40] mi: Or just treat them like crap til they leave. [14:42] roger: Sure u can . People do it all the time [14:42] mi: That doesn't make it right [14:43] roger: True but right and possible are two different things [14:46] mi: True, but why would you ever expect that of someone? [14:47] roger: Expect them to just disappear? I don't expect them to go away. I usually push people out of my life that don't make me happy or are causing me grief [14:48] mi: Yeah, grand solution there
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
[15:04] roger: It's easier to delete people than u think. [15:05] roger: I wish i wasn't so sensitive. I could get a job as a hitman. Good money and it would force me to work out lol [15:07] mi: I guess there's always a silver lining [15:09] mi: As for my point, I guess it was that I see you as being very good at brushing things under the rug until your resentment boils over and you blow up at people, or at least give up on them [15:14] roger: Yep [15:15] roger: It is a trait that comes with hating life. If you don't like life, it's easy to push others away. [15:17] roger: As why i felt it was best for me to leave. You don't need to be with a miserable person again. Yuo can find someone who likes life like u do and will be better for you. I am sure of that. ... Sorry [15:17] roger: As for myself I am going back into EMDR [15:18] roger: and we are doiing it weekly starting next month. [15:18] mi: yeah, well, I'm sorry, but it's not your job to decide what's fair for me [15:18] mi: and I hope the EMDR helps [15:18] roger: Well I wasn't happy so I did what was best for me [15:18] roger: I don't know if I will ever be happy but only time will tell [15:20] roger: Call it a guilt trip instilled by me. [15:20] roger: I had to take care of my sick mom when i was young. [15:20] roger: I resented that. [15:21] roger: I don't want anyone to take care of me because It makes me feel guilty [15:21] roger: I need to get over my illness before I can be comfortable with being with someone [15:21] mi: yeah, because you're so sickly and require so much looking after (note the sarcasm) [15:22] roger: well sleep walking and my seizure at my sisters isn't making me feel good [15:23] roger: the seizures are getting worse and now i have to go back to docs to get totally checked out. (this is new since we broke up) [15:23] roger: waiting for the insureance [15:23] mi: supporting and taking care of are two different things. but you push away anyone who tries to do either [15:24] mi: I really couldn't imagine why you were single [15:24] mi: guess now my eyes have been opened [15:25] mi: you have the most ridiculous expectations of yourself and your relationships [15:27] roger: Yeah well ... coming from a girl whose family has been together since the beginning and has had ongong love and support mother and father ... I have to take that with a large grain of salt [15:28] mi: yeah, that's what family and friends are for. and significant others are supposed to be the family you choose for yourself [15:28] mi: everyone is going to be sick or hurt at some point in their life [15:28] roger: Well as u so well know i have had such great role models [15:29] mi: and I expect my family and friends to help me out when things suck. [15:29] roger: Right... Well I don't want to put my burden on Anyone [15:29] roger: I don't [15:29] roger: I expect them to disappear like mine do [15:29] mi: just cuz you've had shitty role models doesn't mean you have to repeat the pattern [15:29] roger: The only one that's been there for me is Steve [15:30] roger: No it doesn't [15:30] roger: I'm not saying what I do is Right [15:30] roger: I'm just saying why i do it. [15:30] roger: Cuz I feel like [censored] any other way [15:30] roger: it's my natural instinct [15:31] roger: close down to survive [15:31] roger: I am working on it but it's a lifetime of [censored] that I have been digging up [15:31] mi: yeah, I know you are [15:34] roger: It is quite difficult to reprogram the mind after a lifetime of training/programming [15:36] roger: As for you. I am not trying to delete u. [15:36] roger: As for your friends. They are your friends. Not mine. [15:38] mi: no, if anything you act like I'm supposed to just be able to switch to being "just friends" like flipping a light switch [15:38] roger: I am sorry if it seems that way. I don't "expect" it [15:39] roger: I am only trying to be friends since I don't want u to think I am totally abandoning u and the dog [15:40] roger: I am here. if u need [15:40] roger: anyway i really need to focus on work. I'm really far behind today [15:41] roger: You are welcome to leave the dog at my house tonight [15:41] mi: yeah I will
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
OMG - his perspective on life and people are exactly like my ex-wife's! I kept thinking for years she would change and she never did. I kept trying to show her how good life could be, how nice people could be, how great we could be and she never ever really accepted that. I'm sorry you are going through this Michelle.
It seems to me that even though he loves the puppy, he doesn't like the idea of the day to day care of her so much. He offers to keep her but knows he can't actually do what needs to be done so you are stuck doing it and miles from home which just adds to your responsibilities and stress.
It's almost worse than child custody!!!!
If he won't carve out chunks of time to have her, then maybe he doesn't need to. She will adjust just like kids do. If he thinks she likes you better, than maybe she does!
Go dark, take care of the dog by yourself, and cut communications since it's all about the dog anyway at this time.
Hopefully the weekly EMDR will help him deal with more of his stuff and he will overcome his lifetime coping mechanisms that are so self-destructive.
This has to be beyond painful. In some ways it must feel like another D since you were together so long. I'm so sorry. This stinks!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I guess proof positive that insight leads to insight, but not necessarily change.
I definitely hope that the EMDR helps too. Time shall tell.
The problem with puppy is there are times I can't keep her. This is why I never would have gotten a dog as a single mom. Drill weekends are sometimes manageable, but often I need someone to watch her. The pet sitter would end up costing me $90 for the weekend, and a kennel would run me closer to $150. But for those dates, I normally give him a ton of advance notice. Months usually since those dates don't change. That's worked fine so far.
He kept her last night and has her today. I haven't talked to him yet today, so no clue if he'll ask me to go check on her at lunch, but I'm sure he walked her this am, so she'll be fine.
When I got home last night, I had a package. It was the wool knit sweater I had ordered with the gift card he got me for Christmas. I sent him a text saying thank you to be polite, he texted me back saying you are very welcome. Haven't talked to him other than that.
Yeah, definitely feels a lot like a D. In some ways worse because he didn't cheat on me, so I am not as angry/hurt and I still see glimpses of the guy I was with for so long.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, he doesn't seem to be holding a grudge for the argument yesterday....If anything, he's being super nice...
[10:17] roger: Hey [10:17] roger: Do you want me to go home and play with pup over lunch? [10:19] mi: It's up to you. If you are busy I can go over. [10:19] mi: I was in before 8 this am [10:20] roger: Oh ok... She got 2 walks yesterday and one this morning. Unfortunately she didn't poop so Someone will need to let her out for a bit [10:22] roger: How's your workload today? [10:30] roger: We finished everything at once so I can go over there if u want to chill for lunch [10:32] mi: I just got a couple more projects actually [10:32] mi: Catherine is delegating some stuff cuz her stress level has hit nuclear lol [10:33] roger: LOL [10:33] roger: sounds like our team Mon-Wed [10:34] mi: everyone is going straight to her at work now that [boss] is gone [10:34] mi: and she just got the books for her master's program [10:34] mi: so yeah...... [10:34] roger: Wow holy crap [10:43] roger: well i hear the mgr position for my team is between Hasija and I. Sounds like the grp mgr isn't confident in his team. [10:43] mi: nice to be on the short list
I feel like that was a pretty intense conversation and that I was kind of hard on him, was kind of expecting him to be holding a grudge today. Huh.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, I'll pick up puppy dog after work today. My happy hour plans fell through. But I'll be picking her up in style at least since all I brought with me to work besides my uniform was nice jeans, heels, and a blouse and sweater lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Didn't see Roger Friday, he was still at work by the time I got puppy and left. But he called me Sunday on his way back from Napa to tell me he had the wine from Steve YAY!
Then he wanted a favor. He had carpooled out to Napa with a friend who is a real estate agent, several showings had come up unexpectedly, and he wanted to know if I could drive him home if he was dropped at my house. I needed to go out to get gas and run some errands anyways, so I said yes, for a bottle of wine. Then I spent the intervening time frantically cleaning house and changing out of the mud and dog hair covered clothes I was in and putting on some makeup LOL.
Not only did he throw in a couple bottles of wine, he also gave me the rest of the money he owed me. Super nice to have that! More than makes up for the fact that I bought an Adirondack chair and rocker for my back porch LOL.
Ended up getting a late lunch on the way down to his house and eating there since puppy dog came along for the ride. Bunch of chit chat, he also was telling me he's starting EMDR again on the 29th. Once a week for about two months. Talked a bit more, then said I should get going. He walked me and puppy out and gave me a hug, then left to go run my errands. Got gas and went to Target, then had a lazy evening with puppy by the fire.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
This stinks!
Then I spent the intervening time frantically cleaning house and changing out of the mud and dog hair covered clothes I was in and putting on some makeup LOL.