hope you love her, cause you're stuck with her now

[MichelleLT]

I have been dwelling on the idea of writing Roger a letter. Thinking about it for a couple weeks now, keep coming back to it.

The draft I started has been sitting in my e-mail and looks like this at present:

Roger,

When you first told me that I had treated you better than you had treated me, my initial reaction was to say "no". I have a really hard time thinking of negative things about our relationship. On the surface it seemed like you were a great partner, helpful, compassionate, loving, supportive. There are so many things I admired about you, I loved your sense of humor, and I think you have the most amazing smile and eyes in the world.

But a lot of things have come up in the last month and a half which have forced me to consider the fact that you may be right. I deserve a partner who is committed to me. I deserve a partner who will talk to me about issues instead of expecting me to know that I am supposed to raise an issue that I don't know you want to talk about again. I deserve a partner who will not walk out without fighting for us, even if that means fighting with me.

I wrote the following relationship rules when Neal and I were in the midst of our separation. You and I have been so compatible in almost everything that I think I assumed we were operating off the same relationship rules. But in retrospect, I think that was not true. But I will share them with you to hopefully clarify to you why I am so hurt and disappointed with how things have ended.

1. If one person thinks there is a problem, there is a problem.
2. The person who sees the problem has the responsibility to start the discussion and keep it going as long as necessary because neither person in this relationship is likely to be a mind reader.
3. Sometimes it takes repeating yourself before the other person sees how serious the issue is or finally understands how to address the issue.
4. Ask for what you want, suggest solutions, and be specific enough that something can come of the conversation besides just venting.
5. If talking doesn't work, try something else. Actions often speak louder than words. But above all, try something. Then try something else.
6. If you feel a problem hasn't been resolved, ask to do something different (counseling, romantic getaway, etc.) BEFORE you get so frustrated you give up on the relationship. Because...
7. Things are disposable. People are not.
8. Resentment kills desire, don't sweep things under the rug if you aren't sure you can live with them.
9. Hopelessness is the cancer in long-term relationships.
10. Choose your battles wisely, but anything worth breaking up over is worth fighting over first and often.

In our case, I would also add that we should have explored and considered the side effects of your medications and EMDR and how they were interacting with each other before making any major life changes. It seems that it would be fair to say you are not in a good place right now despite the great things you have going in your life such as buying a house, Kelsey, having a full-time job through Kelly IT.

I also admit there were issues I should have raised with you. I am sorry I didn't do so earlier, and at this point it is rather superfluous, but briefly, I was not happy that our date nights, vacations, and other couples time was shelved because of the stress and financial strain of you buying a house. Those types of activities are essential to keeping a relationship thriving in my opinion. I was not happy with the Cymbalta and EMDR because of the side effects on our sex life, which was compounded by a lack of dedicated couples time. I was disappointed and very hurt with your lack of response to my consciously acting on your requests to buy and wear more lingerie and initiate sex more often. I was also concerned about the amount of alcohol you were drinking as you are not supposed to drink at all with both your anti-seizure meds and anti-depressants. I spent a good portion of November and December thinking about what I wanted to say and trying to find a good time to sit down and have these conversations when we wouldn't be interrupted and you weren't already in a bad mood. As I never found a time when one of those conditions was satisfied, let alone both, I put off having that conversation.

And now there is no point. You made up your mind unilaterally. You have said and done things that cannot be unsaid nor undone. I don't understand even after the conversations we have had, and I don't think I ever will. When it all is boiled down to the basics, we agree on many of the things that needed work in our relationship. But there is a fundamental disagreement over whether the effort should be put in to fix them. I believed we were worth the effort, and I know I am worth the effort. But if you can't see that, then there is nothing more to say. I need time and space to heal. We cannot be "just friends" after 3 years of love, sex, and intimacy. I will not settle.

[mishka422]

Well said.

Are you meaning for it to be a 'closure' letter? If so, then its perfect. If not, then its going to need some work if you were hoping to open a dialog.

[MichelleLT]

I think I am going for mostly a closure letter from a strategy perspective if nothing else. Want to keep it a TINY bit open, but only the teensiest tiniest bit.

Trying to convince him to work on things now will backfire, I'm about 99% sure, as he is very stubborn. So it was not necessarily intended to open a dialogue. More to lay some stuff out there and set some boundaries. If it scares him into some doubts and second thoughts, all the better. But any desire he has to work on things is going to be followed by my question, so when is the counseling scheduled for? I'm not messing around at this point LOL.

[mishka422]

Good. My vote is send it.

[kat727]

Send it. I really like the rules you made for yourself. They are going to continue to help you for a long time.

Hugs, kat

[MichelleLT]

Thanks girls.

[MichelleLT]

We still haven't gone more than 2 1/2 days without talking. Donn't know what I think about that.

[12:16] roger: Hey there
[12:17] roger: I wanted to ask how puppy is doing. She's been on my mind lately.
[12:18] roger: You're prolly busy. and here comes boss. ttyl
[12:56] mi: Puppy is doing all right
[12:56] mi: her separation anxiety still isn't as good as it was
[12:57] mi: but she's doing okay
[15:32] roger: How's her new school?
[15:39] mi: school?
[15:43] roger: new doggie daycare
[15:46] mi: She likes the owner's dog Bandit
[15:47] mi: but she and the Tues/Thurs regular, Lonnie, are not hitting it off
[15:47] mi: so I might need to figure something else out for gym days
[15:49] roger: just bring her to my house then.
[15:49] roger: It's fine
[15:50] roger: We can keep her in the back with the garage open
[15:50] roger: I have a box with her name on it
[15:51] roger: That's while it's raining... then when it's sunny i leave the slider open. ... However they are going to start building in the back behind my neighbor
[15:51] roger: so the garage may be best
[15:51] mi: Yeah, guess it's supposed to rain tomorrow
[15:52] roger: I'll have a chat with my neighbor
[15:55] mi: well Kelsey can't go to the pet sitter tomorrow, she is full up. So I guess I will bring her to your house.
[15:58] roger: Yeah so it's cool I can open the garage and keep her in there
[15:59] roger: and just leave the door open so we don't have to go and let her out at lunch
[15:59] mi: okay, thanks

[MichelleLT]

[16:01] roger: Tues thurs u can drop her at my house. Save you some time and money
[16:01] roger: Oh speaking of I have your money. (That would be the $1,000 he owes me! WOOT!)
[16:01] roger: I am picking up wine this weekend so i will give u the cash with the wine
[16:02] mi: Cool
[16:16] mi: I will probably take you up on Tuesday as well to drop Kelsey by
[16:17] mi: By next month Alina will probably be moving in with Rambo, so that will make things easier having another dog and human at the house. (Forget if I mentioned, but I offered up the spare room to a friend and her jack russell terrier)

[Iwondertooo]

Michelle, if you think he cares about you because of the dog you may be mistaken. More likely he cares about the dog but not you. What do you think? Wonder

[kat727]

I think he talks about the dog because it is easier for him to talk about. Michelle have you ever offered for him to keep Kelsey and you will visit? Then you can see if the conversations decrease or not.

kat