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#2225935 - 02/28/12 11:01 PM Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Time for a new thread. Below are the links to my old threads.

8 - Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities
7 - Dark Shadows & Light at the End of the Tunnel?
6 - Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster - ride cont's.
5 - Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster
4 - Dark Shadows - DB continues
3 - Into the darkness - DB full steam ahead
2 - W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency
1 - Wife is angrier after my 180

====================================

So this is what I was struggling with when I posted on my previous thread last night:

Now I have to figure out when and how to approach W about when/if she wants/needs me to move back out. It is something that has been weighing heavy on my mind for a couple of reasons.

First, I have March rent coming due is a few days. There is no sense in paying if I'm going to continue to stay at the house.

Second, I don't want to rush things along if my W is starting to reconsider our R. I'm not suggesting that she is or has even shown signs of wanting to. But if she is and I come across as ambivalent about things or like I want to move back out then she may get cold feet.

Third, I don't want to overstay my welcome and come across as assuming all is well when it isn't. I don't want to appear needy either. I want to be confident and ok with my life, no matter what.


=================================

This afternoon, W and I were eating a late lunch and this is where I chose to engage her. I told her that I had been doing some thinking about how we communicate with each other and how when she is not clear in what she needs or wants, then I go into automatic fixit/control mode and I think this is where we sometimes get sidetracked.

I gave her the two examples I posted about on my old thread:

A) She texted me that she had told S13 that he'd be picked up from school. Did she want me to pick him up? If so she needed to say so.

B) She asked me when I was leaving for the grocery store but didn't tell me why. The reality as I later learned was that she wanted to take a shower and needed me nearby. All she had to do was say so.

So I told her that for me to manage my control/fixit behaviors I needed her help and rather than leave me guessing as to what she wants or needs, simply tell me and if I can do it or make adjustments to my schedule, I will. And if I can't I will let her now that as well.

She was surprisingly open to this line of commentary and said she would from now on and then proceeded to tell me that S10 needed to be picked up early from school and was I able to do it. I said yes. Both of us smiled.

I went on to tell her that last week when she said that I didn't need to stay upstairs in the guest bedroom when she was home, that the only reason I have been doing that is 1) I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with me around and 2) I do a lot of writing and journaling, a lot of journaling and I didn't want to be rude and do that in her presence. She nodded knowingly. So I got that out of the way.

We continued talking and I asked her how she was feeling? Was she feeling confident? She said yes, she was feeling much better, still tired, but is not concerned in the least about her recovery.

She then made a startling comment in that she felt like she would always need medication to manage her heart and possibly an implanted defibrilator or worse case a heart transplant! Yikes! I wasn't prepared for that! I guess we'll see what the Dr's. have to say about that when she goes for her follow-ups in few weeks.

Anyway our conversation continued and I asked her what else I could do for her and she said that I could stop being overly concerned about her. She is fine and while she really appreciates my help, she doesn't need me to be doting over her. I didn't really think I had been doing that, but if that's what she wants than ok, I'll back off.

Which led perfectly into my next question. I told her that I will continue to provide whatever care she needed but I don't want to over stay my welcome and in the spirit of being open with each other, she needs to tell me when it is time for me to go. I said I would not be offended in the slightest, but she just needed to tell me and she agreed.

Then I asked her, is it time for me to leave? She said, "Oh no! I don't think I can manage things in the morning. I'm not sleeping well at night and usually only get to sleep just before the boys wake up for school."

So there was my answer.

I'm not naive, I'm sure there is just a little bit of cake eating going on. I mean the house stays relatively clean, the dishes and laundry get done, the meals get cooked. Who'd want that to end?

However, I'm happy to do this if it allows me to continuously fill her LL needs and maybe "pull and few relationship weeds and plant a few relationship seeds" that will one day lead to a reconciliation.

I know that my expectations need to be set to zero and they are. I will continue to with my GAL plans. I will continue to fund my other place of escape and I will continue to live my life as if I am going to go on with out her.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2225938 - 02/28/12 11:20 PM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 980
Very glad to hear the conversations went well! Did she give any idea how long she wants you to stay? When do you leave for Spain?
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2225942 - 02/28/12 11:40 PM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
No idea about how long. I did ask her if she wanted to have her mother stay for a week while I was a way and she was adamant that she didn't need any other help. I guess, she'll keep me around for awhile. smile

I leave for Spain in the middle of March and if everything falls into place, I'll have a new job waiting for me upon my return. I had a phone screening interview last week and they have invited me in for a panel interview next Monday. Keeping fingers crossed!

Oh, and I sold two properties from my real estate investing business, one of which closed last Friday and generated $10k in profit on $8k out of pocket. Ah, the art of the deal! Gotta love it!

So things are possibly looking WAY UP!!!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2225947 - 02/29/12 01:20 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1219
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
2,
Sounds like the conversation went as good as it can go.

Your w opened up and told you what she wanted from you. Now is a great opportunity to show her that you were listening. wink

Originally Posted By: 2thepoint

I know that my expectations need to be set to zero and they are. I will continue to with my GAL plans. I will continue to fund my other place of escape and I will continue to live my life as if I am going to go on with out her.
.

This is a very healthy perspective. If you can do this whilst continuing to love her as her health strengthens... you'll be just fine!
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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#2225961 - 02/29/12 08:00 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: Valeska19]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/01/11
Posts: 1120
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Communicating is key. And you're definitely right on the analogy, love is a garden smile
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2225978 - 02/29/12 09:33 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2chiquitos]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
2- Awesome job on the communication and great job on the sales, congratulations!!! I think all WAS's cake eat at some level.

I also think she'll get another taste of reality when you are gone for a week and Spain and are not their to keep things in order.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2226004 - 02/29/12 10:32 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: sayitaintso]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
2Pac - don't beat yourself up if you fall victim to expectations. Personally, I think its impossible not to have them, it's more how you manage them thst counts.

Congrats on the house deals!

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#2226031 - 02/29/12 11:34 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: rickb89]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: rickb89
2Pac - don't beat yourself up if you fall victim to expectations. Personally, I think its impossible not to have them, it's more how you manage them thst counts.


This is something I need to work on as well. Thanks Rick!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2226032 - 02/29/12 11:36 AM Re: Picking Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: RoRoinMD]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
2tp, I think you did great with your communication with your wife. I think as long as you show her you were listening to what she said, you'll be fine.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2226166 - 02/29/12 05:05 PM Re: Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Thanks everyone for your posts!

Small update & follow-up from yesterday's post:

Got the boys up and out the door for school this morning but not without it's challenges. Neither one wanted to go to school today. S10 almost missed the bus due to his lollygagging and S13 also had to bolt out the door to catch his bus at the last minute.

Funny thing though, I went back to bed (upstairs guest bedroom). At some point while I was sleeping, I hear my W call out my name. I thought I was dreaming at first until she called my name again and I instinctively jumped out of bed and opened the door to find W downstairs looking up to tell me something.

She was looking at me a little strangely and that is when I realized I was only in my underwear. W hasn't seen me in this level of undress for 5 months. Anyway she was clearly checking me out. I've lost 20 pounds since the start of my sitch and have been working out fairly regularly so maybe she was impressed? cool

I pretended not to realize how I was dressed and continued to carry on the conversation and that was that. I just thought it was kind of weird in a cool sort of way.

W went to see her C today. I think the timing of our conversation yesterday and her C session today might be important to ongoing interactions.

After W left, I left to go take care of some business and get out of the house and hang for a little at my other pad. When I got back to the house, W was on the phone in the family room instead of locked away in her bedroom. She seemed to be having and upbeat conversation with someone, don't know who and don't really care.

Anyway, when she is done with her call, we have a really loose and very friendly conversation about various things. The mood just seemed to be really loose and carefree....kind of like old times.

Makes me wonder.......

Tonight my GAL will commence with an Arena Football game. Told W that I would be going out tonight starting at 6pm. So she is on her own with the boys.

That's all for now.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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