Finding a new perspective is always a good thing. The hardest thing I ever had to learn to do was to keep my mouth shut. In the beginning I had to literally scream at myself to STFU! As time went on, it modified to me having to walk away, then to just grinning through it... But now, I can usually get into the frame of mind to *respond* instead of *re-act* within a few minutes (most of the time.) I still get those moments where I want to yell or say something snotty- I still walk away and find something to distract me... usually coming to the boards!
Don't beat yourself up. We are all a work in progress and there is not a 'one size fits all' approach to every situation. You'll backslide, learn from it and do something different the next time. The important thing is to keep learning and *choosing* to look inward at what you want to change for you.
Check out my thread, there's a link you might like. I'm still jealous that you got to hear ILY... But happy for you at the same time
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thanks, P! I'm trying to keep telling myself to STFU, but it's SO hard! It never used to be! If it was anyone else, I would totally STFU, but because it is my H, I can't do it so easily.
One issue I have is not being able to take compliments very well. Whenever my H or anyone else would compliment me on something, I would just decline it by saying it's nothing, or "no, I'm not". I guess it might be having too much humility. I'm trying to practice saying "thank you" whenever someone says something nice.
That said, this morning H gave me a compliment for the first time in I don't know how long. After I got ready to go to work and about to leave he told me that I looked pretty. And I said "thank you".
This is also the only thing he has said to me all morning, other than 'bye'.
Last night, he was in grumpy mood and told me that he just wants to be alone. So I left him alone and went to the bedroom and hadn't spoken to him since last night. When he sat down to eat breakfast, he just stared down into his cereal bowl as he ate.
Clearly, he is still stuck in his 'crisis tunnel'. He won't talk too much, won't look at me too much, still spends most of the time on his iPad. The only time he seems to show interest and be affectionate is when he wants to ML.
I've been feeling very hurt lately. My heart is literally aching. Sometimes I question how strong I really am, and how much longer I will allow myself to hurt. And I guess the "allowing myself to hurt" part is crucial. I am the responsible for letting myself feel the pain, responding to actions or words. Okay, we're back to detachment 101.
MoohampshireMom ....i still think there is a lot of reason to believe you two can work this out. Keep practicing keeping your vocal reactions in check...otherwise you will scare the squirrel away.
Of course he tells you he loves you....you're lovable. Accept what is true. He'll get it worked out...dont push back....accept it with grace
I am quickly reading your sitch and yes, I second what Rick says. You can work it out. But you will have to take the high road, be the lighthouse.
It seems like he is working things out inside his head. It will take time. Trust me, I've been there. It was a long, hard, painful journey, and still is. But slowly, we have been moving along the road to piecing. I see so many parallels in our sitch.
yes, allow yourself to feel the hurt. Scream and shout when you are alone. But i front of him, zip your lips and be the eoman he cannot leave.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Driving home from work today I saw a quote posted outside of some business that said: "Sometimes you have to take a step back in order to move forward."
Maybe the low "spell" that I've been feeling lately is my "step back". I feel like I'm on the verge of tears when I'm home. I try to stay positive, but this sadness overcomes me. When H was in his angry and hostile mode up until a few weeks ago, I felt angry at him for wanting to walk away. Now that he's not as angry and more on the fence with his emotions, I think it's the feeling of rejection that makes me sad. I think he's fully aware of what's going on and knows I how feel, yet he chooses to continue to do things that hurt me.
Before I drown myself in self-pity....another quote at the same business yesterday said "Whatever you are, be a good one." I'm starting to think that these are not there by chance and that I needed to see the messages.
Decided to take a bubble bath tonight, and I'm glad I did. I feel more relaxed now. Even though H won't talk and chooses to withdraw himself most of the time, he came into the bathroom and brought in a few of the fake tealights (that we got during our last power outage). I thought that was kind of a nice gesture.
I also want to say that I'm so grateful for my S4. I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't have him. He tells me every day how much he loves me, and that I'm the best mommy he could ever wish for "in the whole wide world". The other day he was singing "you are my sunshine" to me...it made me tear up. Today, he wanted to cuddle with me and I sang 'you are my sunshine' to him. It's our favorite song. Afterwards, he told me that he will always be there for me. How sweet is my little boy?
I don't think it was a coincidence that you saw those messages.... Have you ever prayed for God to send you a sign? He sent you two!
I totally relate to how our children are the reason we keep going. It's seems like no matter what I'm feeling, I can put it all away for the sake of my kids. And they always seem to know when we need a hug!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
