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#2225665 - 02/28/12 08:33 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
The learning is in the journey... Good insights, Labug! Hope your day goes well!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2225679 - 02/28/12 09:15 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
Originally Posted By: labug
Fear. Fear that I'll be alone, fear that no one will love me fear of the unknown. For controllers like me this fear is what drives us. Everything must be well thought-out and planned to the nth degree so I am not seen as the imperfect person I am. Life without H was not a part of my plan.



Did you have the same fears when you first met your spouse ?



Originally Posted By: Lbug

What I've learned about detachment in the last couple of days=I have more work to do.

When I do things wondering if H will notice or respond, I'm not detached.
When I wonder what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, I'm not detached.
When I make plans based on what he might be doing, I'm not detached.
When I wake in the morning wondering if there will be an email from H, I'm not detached.
When I still obsess on what I could have done differently, I'm not detached.
When I dissect everything he does or says for hidden meaning, I'm not detached.

I've come a long way but I'm not there yet.


I think it is deeper than that on a couple of those. Some of those are a must, some are a waste of time. I trust YOU know which witch is which.....

One small twist on each of those will tell a different tale.

On the ones that matter....It is when you allow yourself to place expectations on those things, that they become dangerous to the LBS.


It is very normal to reflect on what has happened around the 1 year mark. We look back and wonder where we are, where we are headed, and what we could do different.

It throws us into a loop, that goes round and round, causing us to look everywhere, except where the answer really is...inside.

The funny part (funny as in odd, not Ha Ha ) is that we are not unlike our spouses at this point. We tend to blame , and run, rather than to look inward.

If we can stop for a minute, and realize what it is that we are facing, we realize that we have the answers inside already....and that we are asking the wrong questions.




Originally Posted By: Lbug
Yes, exactly what I was looking for. I've lived my life looking for signs from others on the right thing to do, the right thing to say, the right way to look...



I think this is a good place to get out your shovel and dig around....

WHY are you like this ????

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#2225686 - 02/28/12 09:38 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: Mach1]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8416
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I think this is a good place to get out your shovel and dig around....

WHY are you like this ????
Because I was never quite good enough as a child. Everything I did could have been just a little better, according to my mother. And her "spare the rod, spoil the child" theory of child-rearing made sure I got that message. Sometimes as a child I would say things not realizing I'd crossed the line and then wham! So I was hypervigilant for the signals as to where the line was.

Originally Posted By: Mach1
Did you have the same fears when you first met your spouse ?
Yes. But he loved me as I was. He thought I was pretty, he thought I was fun, he thought I was smart. He rescued me and I held on for dear life. My locus of control went from M, to him. Not in the sense that he physically controlled me but that my sense of worth came from him.

But I still could not throw off the feeling of unworthiness.

And now I have to get ready for work.

Thanks, Mach. keep it coming.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2225696 - 02/28/12 09:48 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Stinky monkey hug for the bug ((((bug)))
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2225700 - 02/28/12 09:54 AM Re: Fear and Love [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8416
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Glad you've resurfaced! Thanks for the hug.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2225888 - 02/28/12 10:03 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8416
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Much better day today. Great work day, great personal day.

When we can live with no expectation, life is so much better.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2225906 - 02/28/12 10:23 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
I'm glad you had a better day. Many times your words run so close to my heart.. It's scary!

I'm back at work tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a good work day too!!! I can dream. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2225913 - 02/28/12 10:30 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8416
Loc: Sonoran Desert
bf, this was on my fb wall today.

Let it go, forgive. The past is over and done. Forgiveness is letting go of all hope or expectation of a “better past”. I cannot change the past and let go of the all expectation to do so.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2225926 - 02/28/12 10:45 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Glad you had a good day, labug! Hope the trend keeps going for you!

So what made it a good day? Was it letting go of expectations or more?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2225929 - 02/28/12 10:52 PM Re: Fear and Love [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8416
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes, letting go of expectations and just being open to life on life's terms.

We miss so much by having expectations.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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