Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 12
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
I've been reading along for awhile, 2thepoint.

Glad to hear your W seems to be coming out of the woods! What an emotionally taxing time for you!

I know you are of the intellectual mindset of the likelihood that you may very well have to resume plan 'MOVE ON' once W recovers her help. I want to caution you that your heart may not be fully caught up with your mind if that eventuality happens.

I went through a period somewhat similar to you where I played caregiver to my WAS when she had to have surgery and was hospitalized, and I continued being caregiver for her at her apartment for a couple of weeks. The caregiving was pretty intimate like yours, with me helping to sponge bathe her, rub ointments on her body, brush her hair, massage her back/feet, etc. etc. She really needed to be cared for and let herself be vulnerable to me more than she had before. When she had recovered, I got a very nice thank you card that said I was the only one who could have cared for her like that, and lots of hugs, and that she felt closer to me but she still could only be best friends with me 'right now.' And then she was back on the road to limboville/WASland.

Even though I was intellectually prepared for that, I hadn't realized that I had reattached in some ways through the contac, and I had gotten my hopes up that PERHAPS she might have been softening up/warming up. It was almost like second D-Day for me when I realized very little had really changed for her once she was healthy again.

I am not in any way saying you shouldn't have been caring for her. And I do suggest you continue to act if for the moment, as if, there is mutual trust and intimacy between you, since she still seems to be in a place of need. But, really brace yourself for the possibility that you will need to get REAL BUSY with yourself once she's healthy. If YOU pull away once she is healthy, this is a time when she is more likely to miss you and seek you out. And pulling away would still be consistent with her assertion (which she still has not expressly changed, right?) that she does not want to live with you as a married couple.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
"I am not in any way saying you shouldn't have been caring for her. And I do suggest you continue to act if for the moment, as if, there is mutual trust and intimacy between you, since she still seems to be in a place of need. But, really brace yourself for the possibility that you will need to get REAL BUSY with yourself once she's healthy. If YOU pull away once she is healthy, this is a time when she is more likely to miss you and seek you out. And pulling away would still be consistent with her assertion (which she still has not expressly changed, right?) that she does not want to live with you as a married couple."

I hear you Busto. Loud and Clear!

You know, it's funny. Before I saw your post, I was thinking the same thing about pulling away and how that rejection on my part might be the catalyst that causes her to rethink things. Of course there are to be no expectations.

I hope that emotionally I am prepared for this. I know that intellectually I am and think I may be emotionally, but I guess the proof is in the pudding as the saying goes.

And yes, she has not changed her position regarding us living together as a married couple. And to support this, as sweet and accommodating and as supportive as I've been. And as vulnerable as she has been even though she has allowed me to be intimate with her in ways that I haven't experienced in many many months, I still see flashes of anger and resentment crop up from time to time. Don't know what it is going to take for her to get over that stuff. Maybe she never will. And there really isn't a damn thing I can do about it!

Which reminds me, don't I have a trip to Spain coming up in a few weeks? Why yes I do! I do have a trip to Spain coming up in a few weeks. wink


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
You are smart for really going dark right now. It could be very powerful. Also I would think your kids will say something to her as well since you have been taking care of them the past week.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
Hope W is doing better and out danger. Spain I forgot u were going. So jealous. My offer to be a translator still stands. Oh yeah they don't mind speedos at their beaches


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Hope W is doing better and out danger. Spain I forgot u were going. So jealous. My offer to be a translator still stands. Oh yeah they don't mind speedos at their beaches


OK, you can come and be the translator and Rickb89 can come since he is the one who wears the speedos. wink


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
For some reason the Steve Martin/Michael Caine movie Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels is coming to mind.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
Venting...

Very frustrated at the moment. W asked me to bring the kids to the hospital at 10am for her fitting of a defib device that she will wear for next couple of months. She was supposed to be released from the hospital right after that. Here we are 4.5 hours later and here she sits.

And she is getting emotional as she comes to grips with her flirtation with mortality along with the cabin fever she has been suffering for the past few days.

As she is being fitted with the device, she asks the tech if she can go through airport security. Good grief!! She is recovering from her near death experience and all she can think about is whether or not she can go see OM? Argh!!!

While preparing her room at home (cleaning sheets, making bed, etc.) I see that on the day before I rushed her to the hospital, she purchased $25 boxer's from Brooks Brothers. She's been worried about $$ and this is what she spends her $$ on.

Oy!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,119
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
"I am not in any way saying you shouldn't have been caring for her. And I do suggest you continue to act if for the moment, as if, there is mutual trust and intimacy between you, since she still seems to be in a place of need. But, really brace yourself for the possibility that you will need to get REAL BUSY with yourself once she's healthy. If YOU pull away once she is healthy, this is a time when she is more likely to miss you and seek you out. And pulling away would still be consistent with her assertion (which she still has not expressly changed, right?) that she does not want to live with you as a married couple."

I hear you Busto. Loud and Clear!

You know, it's funny. Before I saw your post, I was thinking the same thing about pulling away and how that rejection on my part might be the catalyst that causes her to rethink things. Of course there are to be no expectations.

I hope that emotionally I am prepared for this. I know that intellectually I am and think I may be emotionally, but I guess the proof is in the pudding as the saying goes.

And yes, she has not changed her position regarding us living together as a married couple. And to support this, as sweet and accommodating and as supportive as I've been. And as vulnerable as she has been even though she has allowed me to be intimate with her in ways that I haven't experienced in many many months, I still see flashes of anger and resentment crop up from time to time. Don't know what it is going to take for her to get over that stuff. Maybe she never will. And there really isn't a damn thing I can do about it!

Which reminds me, don't I have a trip to Spain coming up in a few weeks? Why yes I do! I do have a trip to Spain coming up in a few weeks. wink


You were mentioning in an earlier post that you want to develop some new female friendships (not hookups). Might I suggest Spain as a great place to start this? And karma may bite you in the a$$ if you decide to do any swimming. They wear speedos over there! Ha ha you're doomed.

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,119
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Hope W is doing better and out danger. Spain I forgot u were going. So jealous. My offer to be a translator still stands. Oh yeah they don't mind speedos at their beaches


OK, you can come and be the translator and Rickb89 can come since he is the one who wears the speedos. wink


Hey! I saw that comment!

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
I'm sorry man. You've been doin' pretty good at detaching so far, so keep it up. That's for you. Doesn't mean anything more than you taking care of you. I empathize with you man.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Page 5 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard