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Hello guys. Been while since I started a thread. Im struggling a bit with some issues and thought it could be a helpful for others in this sitch to post.
Many of us have children with MLCers. My concern is trying deal with an MLCer and their spewing at you in regards to your children.....Is parenting with these people ever possible?
First it started stbx refused to speak to me about anything in regards to the kids, because he was angry I've looked into spousal support. Child support in November was late, but he did pay it. Remind you, this is what we agreed upon and it's not court ordered yet because our divorce isn't final. This month, child support was very late. I sent an email and a text requesting it, but if he was struggling with it to let me know, for I can't pay rent without it. The next day I get an email from him telling me that he can't pay child support because his attorney fees went up, due to me dragging our case out longer by requesting spousal support. He also felt that I had alot of money hidden from him because I hired an attorney and therefore I could afford rent on my own, and besides he wasn't required to pay child support now without a court order. He says I played a part in him not being able to afford child support based on me dragging the case out and why should he have to pay it since he hasn't had an over night with the children in 4 months?
Since he's been gone he's blown thousands of dollars that he received, saved and hid from me silently for almost an entire year before he moved out. I only found out about it from his aunt. Yet it's my fault he can't pay child support?
I quickly informed my attorney that he was refusing to pay child support, who then quickly wrote a very clear and firm letter to stbx'x attorney. My attorney stated that what stbx was doing was wrong and that if he wants a court order, he'll get one. I had a check the next day for child support. I also had another nasty email spewing about I do nothing but personally attack him by having my attorney send him nasty letters and it's nothing but the same old shi**, me saying one thing and doing the other, and that he's still not required to pay.
He hasn't had an overnighter with the kids because they didn't want to spend the night in the same house with OW which was making them feel very akward. Our D12 has had a very hard time with this ordeal, and wants her Dad home. She misses him and being with him actually is painful for her because it's not the same. She's expresed anger, frustration, and has been the one to distance herself from him, yet still loving him, and feeling so confused and sad about it all. D9, seems to be handling it ok, and accepts it, but does feel some sort of akward in regards to pursuing a visitation with her father unless D12 comes along. Of course this was explained to him by me in 2 emails months ago, and by D12 as best as she could. He never responded to what I said and never spoke to D12 about her feelings, nor apologized. He's continued to push them coming to his place for months only to be met with them kindly declining. He places completely blame on me and feels I've purposely alienated the girls from him.
I've been working on encouraging the girls to stay with their dad when they're ready. We've had to have some heart to heart talks about the reality of the situation. Yet stbx constantly was telling D9 " I want you to spend the night", on a daily basis, but left D12 alone. Both girls have told me they feel really pressured by him to go spend the night, and then eventually they felt pressured by me too. When I heard that I backed off on any extra encouragment, because I realized I was still trying to please stbx, when what I needed to worry about was my girls!
Finally after 2 months of being open with me about their feelings in regards to stbx and divorce and allowing them their space they decided they wanted to spend Christmas night with him. He did request this. I have let it be known that the girls can spend the night with him anytime they want, but for now it has to be their choice.
Since nasty emails, he then made contact to confirm what I agreed to as far as visitation was concerned over Christmas break. He also exchanged amicable texts in regards to xmas presents for the girls, and after being told 3 times within 2 weeks he was to pick the the girls at 10 a.m. xmas day, sends another text asking when to pick them up???
D12 and I were text messaging Christmas Day about 7 p.m. . she was giving me the updates on how Christmas went with her grandma. Stbx, OW and D12 and D9 went down to his mother's for the day. D12 mentioned she missed the cats. I asked her if she was ok and she said " yes kinda". I responded about how my day went,how my great grandma was ( I visited her that day) told her the house was quiet with out them there and I loved her and missed her. I got a nasty message from stbx at 9 p.m. that D12 had been crying, and in her own little world for hours ever since I text her and whatever I said to her upset her very bad!
I responded by simply telling him what I said to her and asked if he talked to he about why she was sad. He fires off that all she'd say was that she misses me, and would just keep crying. He told me that I just made her feel guilty for telling her the house was quiet and for having fun because everything was fine until she talked to me! I responded I was sorry that he felt that way, but if I did make her feel that guilty, she would let me know.
D12 had been crying for 3 days prior to going with him Christmas Day. She's mourning the loss of our family the way it used to be. I see her going through the same stages of grief that we LBS's do. Yet it must be so much harder for her because she see's her dad often, for he takes them to school in the mornings. They've just made the choice to not stay with him.
Im venting, Im frustrated....but thanks to this site boy what I have learned! I think I just revisted the Crazy Train but can see this much quicker than 7 months ago. I woke up today feeling drained and spiritually "raped". When stbx dropped off the girls last night he had the most angry look on his face as I talked to D9 in the driveway from the front door as she was unloading her stuff.
Right now all I know to do is just keep up the detatchment (works wonders) and not to take anything personally, and keep it simple. No contact unless necessary. I refuse to feed the monster because it will not solve anything.
Some suggestions and experiences on attempting to parent with an MLCer in Monster would be greatly appreciated.
I saw your post about parenting with an MLC'er and I can totally relate. He seems to constantly attack you and blame you. I have dealt with that too. I used to constantly defend myself after his attacks, now I just ignore them and I think he does it less often. I just respond to the part about the kids,like the 10am pickup time, and ignore all the rest.
Good on calling your lawyer to deal with the child support!!! Btw, usually child support is higher the less the dad spends with the kids, b/c you are having all the costs. But I think it's best to just let your lawyer handle it. When my X is late with the child support, I just send an email to my L and let him deal with it. Detachment is key.
I actually can relate to your stbx upset with your text. I don't think you should have explained to him about the text or defended it. But I know my D12 is really sensitive about me being alone when she's over at her dad's, and I just always stress something fun I'll be doing, like going to do something with a friend, or shopping, or whatever, and it makes her happy that I am having fun and having "me" time. Originally, I would tell her I miss her and stuff like that, but I don't anymore, she knows I miss her and I think it does make her sad.
Your X's anger at his responsibilities is not your problem. I was too afraid of X's anger--now I figure that if he gets angry, too bad. Not my problem. I hung up on him a few times, even. This was not the old Forward.
Your X is beginning to come off the ga-ga love path and starting down the reality path. This, too, is not your problem, nor do you have to set your X straight. Life will take its course and will teach its lessons. And I learned things, too.
Do what your L recommends and do the best you can for yourself. Your X's mistakes and irresponsibility are not your problem and you don't have to "be nice." Do what you can for the kids. I surrounded myself with nice people and tried my best to build a family of sorts without X. Frankly, I've done pretty well with that and have more support than I ever did before.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 X has major medical issues New Woman - died. I am engaged to New Guy
Thanks so much Karen and Forward....I really appreciate hearing this from you guys, the support is such a help.
It's kinda amazing how quickly you can get caught up again in these sort of things even when you keep telling yourself you never will again!
7 months ago I would've felt I needed to set him straight, and would be attempting to talk about things. Yes, his reality is his reality! Im not responsible for it, nor am I responsible for the choices he's made, and the consequences that follow. Yes in the past he used to be able to make my head spin with such nonsense, but now Im wiser. It still just floors me how self absorbed these MLCers are...I mean I don't think I could think that seflishly if I tried!
Perhaps now that the money train has been spent and nothing is left, he's not going to board the reality train. This will be very ugly for him...and because of that I am glad he is out of the house. Reality bites!
I have to say thanks to this site and reading so many posts,I've learned so much in learning about myself, in how I react to him and his actions. My confidence is coming back, and Im really understanding what letting go is doing for me in the long run. I too want to build my own new family of sorts... and i think Im getting there.
I still question if Im ready to start dating or seeing someone. Im really starting to enjoy being without a partner and getting re aquainted with myself. Yet at times I still get lonely and the idea of meeting someone new and wonderful seems like fun. At the same time I still feel very "tired" from a long relationship that's been pretty frustrating for a while.
Oh Kimmerz, I read your post and thought, well, I don't have kids. I can't help you at all!!
Then I read the last one about "how do you know when you're ready to date" and I thought, I can help with that one!
Here's my 2 cents on that one :-)
1. If you go on a few dates and you feel like it's too soon, do NOT beat yourself up. It's really no big deal. People do this all the time.
2. With that said, I almost have to say that if you are asking, it probably is too early!! I say this because I did go on 2 dates at one year post-bomb (I was 7 months divorced) and at one year 2 months post-bomb, and the dates were disastrous. Now. They would have been disastrous at ANY stage. These two guys were just socially inept and uncomfortable with women in general...no long-term rel. ever and they were early 40's. But I could just as easily have gone on dates that were better. Perhaps I unconsciously TARGETED guys I thought would be less of a "threat" as I kind of knew I wasn't ready.
3. I would say that right now, I don't even care if I date anyone. Ever again ;-) I'm really more grateful to be alone and not have to deal with the crap of a bad relationship on any level than to date. And as a result, I'm getting hit on a lot. And I don't like it. Why? The thing that comes up in my head is "You're not him." Meaning XH.
4. HOWEVER. I did meet one person in a non-dating scenario, who I spoke to for a long time, naturally and easily, and this was just a "we have a mutual friend" situation, and bottom line, if he asked me out now, I'd go in a second and feel good about it. Why? He fascinated me. That's the first I've felt fascinated in like, 23 years :-) But at the same time, if he never notices me, whatever. I'm good. I'm happy with who I am.
5. So this is the bottom line, I think: YES I feel lonely sometimes, and in those times, I wish I had someone in my life. But most of the time, I do NOT wish I had someone in my life, and I like that I don't have that to negotiate in addition to figuring myself out and my own life. I think if you are feeling moments of loneliness, this is natural, normal, and you need to learn to ride it. I'm telling you, the longer I do it, the more natural it feels and the more that I realize it is a choice I have made. There are a million things in this world telling us we need a significant other to be "whole" and frankly, WE DO NOT. It's a "perk". That's how I see it now. It's something that is wonderful to have. But it's no more wonderful to me than having best friends or family who love me and care for me. It's just DIFFERENT.
I dont' think going on a casual date if you don't know if you are ready is bad--it can actually help you see you are not or you are. I think it's different for everyone.
I think the main thing you have to ask yourself is "am I trying to fill the void of my ex" and if you are, you're probably not ready for a relationship.
I hope this helps. I feel like I tend to talk about myself a lot and I don't want to seem narcissistic, I just figure maybe if you hear what I've been thinking for a few months or facing, it might help?
M43 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi Everyone! Happy New year! WEll here I am on this eve with my two girls and posting on this site.....LOL. Well I gotta say it's better than last year. Had a grumpy husband sitting in the corner heading into MLC and hating me while I was asleep on the couch for I had to get up at 4 a.m. New Years day!
This year, No grumpy MLCer (in the house that is..LOL), I have tonight and tomorrow off, and the girls and I have plans to see the local Holiday light display, becaue it's the last night.
Im 20 pounds lighter than I was last year thanks to the Divorce?MLC diet. Many compliments on how good I look. I think I look a little younger, not too sure.
Im also turning 40 in 2 weeks. I've been bound and determined since my 39th birthday that MY LIFE WILL BEGIN AT 40!! It's an even number, there fore all will EVEN OUT in my life.
Stbx's behavior the past few weeks has been quite colorful. As I first posted, there were nasty emails in regards to child support and it being my fault for him not affording it. Then there was amicable child visitation plans. Then there was defensive texting because D12 was having a very emotional night and it was all my fault for making her feel guilty.
Since the overnighter the children seem to feel much more comfortable at his house. OW keeps completely to herself playing online video games the entire time they are there while stbx gives the kids his undivided attention. This is good. The girls are bonding with Dad without pressure of having to be overly involved with someone they feel odd about.
Because they feel better about this, and Im really needing a break I contacted sbtx and suggested we get them into a routine immediately in staying with him. I asked if he would take them next week. Before you know it we actually had a very amicable exchange in how we need to decide together parenting times and stand as a front together, and get them out of the routine of choosing. STBX was aggreeable, accomodating, and assertive.
Now many months ago when I tried to have such a conversation with him I was met with spew, and every reason under the sun as to WHY we can't do this, and just let them choose!
Once again my head is spinning. Why, tell me why, do these people go from nice, compromising and sane, to turning around and acting posessed? I mean really if it were just an alien that over took them, they'd be nicer! Is this some form of bi polar? Im sure he thinks the same thing about me, for in the past I've been very reactive to his behavior. Well I know for sure, two wrongs don't make a right!
Antonia, thanks SO MUCH for your input on dating. I didn't find it narcissistic at all! I appreciated it. And you know what I think Im doing a little better than I thought. I think maybe Im a little interested in dating, but not a relationship at all. Dating as fun and social, but relationship....that's gonna be a while.
It dawned on me that I must form a better relationship with me and be ok with me, before Im ready for another real relationship. If Im no good to myself,and emotionally healthy, then Im not good to anyone else. And one thing I've learned through all this whoopla is that happiness truly comes from within! Don't ever expext someone else to make you happy. If I really master this, then when I do have another relationship, if it doens't work out, I don't think it will be as near as devasating as my divorce has been, because I know I will be just fine alone.
I used to think " why can't I just be like stbx? Just get another one! Fill the empty whole and find someone that does and says all the right things to make me feel happy?"
Then I realized something. That's about the dumbest thing in the world I could do right now.
D12 is depressed, no doubt about it. I think it's a good idea I get her into counseling.
D12 is going through a very rough spell. She's overwhelmed with the changes in her life. She's never done big transitions well. tonight I could tell she was on the verge of tears ( has happened several times lately) and she told me she wanted me to come sit with her because she was lonely.
She finally broke down. She's HEARTBROKEN over her Dad leaving. She misses him and wants him home. She misses the good times so much. She doesn't want to go to his place, she doesn't want to share him with OW, she wants him home. Being with him makes it bitter sweet. She enjoys her time, but it still makes her sad.
How do you explain MLC to a 12 year old? She's mature beyond her years. I've explained to her that her Dad is happy with his new life, and that though we don't have to like it we do have to accept it. I've said all the right, things that he loves them, and him leaving didn't have a thing to do with them, it was between us. I was honest and let her know he was in a place where he felt he had to do this and though it broke my heart too, it had to be done.
I just hate seeing my baby in pain. HOW THE HELL DO YOU SUGAR COAT THIS?
Kimmerz I'm so sorry. My daughter too was so devastated when her dad left. She was 17 and in 12th grade but still acting like a lost little girl.
When I was out she'd often text me to see when I was coming home that she was lonely...and even when I was in the next room she'd come into my room and ask to come out and spend time with her and her brothers.
It's really awful to see your kids torn up over the divorce. We are all doing much better now but it's been a rough 20 months.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10