Ok - not sure if this constitutes me breaking the rules. I initiated the email - which I know I had promised myself I wouldn't do - so that's one rule broken. I'm thinking it might but would like your opinion. (BTW - I have realised now why I have backslid so much this week...it's that time of the month. My nerves got the best of me).
Email:
Cool!! Ooh, I am curious to know if they [something he had bought himself] are as brilliant as everyone says they are. I'm also curious to see how robust they are and if they can withstand your rigorous exercise regime. Very curious!
The weather has been really good here. Just to let you know....though I would have really enjoyed you coming over the weekend to enjoy the sun, I didn't ask because I didn't want open myself up to possible rejection.
Anyway, as you know, everyone has been going nuts about the petrol situation. I actually do need to fill up the car now though so that should be fun.
Hi YC, I just clicked on your thread today and the first thing that jumped out at me was this:
Quote:
The weather has been really good here. Just to let you know....though I would have really enjoyed you coming over the weekend to enjoy the sun, I didn't ask because I didn't want open myself up to possible rejection.
When you read it this morning, what is the message it conveys to you?
Is that the message you wanted to convey?
I pick up on these things because I like to send seemingly innocent emails that were, in reality, laced with ulterior motive. Very early on someone on DB told me to post emails here before sending.
It was good advice for me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yeah exactly Labug - I so know!! I wanted to convey to him my vulnerability. What I conveyed was a potential stab of guilt I think. How else could I have said that?
Maybe not said it at all??
Ok well, I've been doing my visuals and chakra balancing - also took a 'true calms' (vitamin B for the nerves) this morning. It is definitely that time of the month - been crying on and off all day - even at the petrol station!!
I am prepared to go dim for a week.
I suppose all the visuals and clearing my energy field has worked. I worked hard though - and I got a nice response from my H that read pretty warm - for him - and informative.
Well, PMS is over - YAY! It wasn't as intense as it has been, but clearly I need to continue to investigate further remedies. It's not fun for me - but it is good in that it highlights areas that I clearly need some work on still. So, that is a positive about PMS.
So, now I am clear again - I must say that I'm pleased with myself. My H emailed a very short email today with link to an article about something I am interested in. I let some time pass before responding with a very quick, "Thanks - very interesting yes!" and left it at that.
Something in me has relaxed again - thank goodness!
I have started to take stock: where I am and what I want, and how I want my future to look. While he and I had some really wonderful times together, and I would love to have all that back - it's the not so great things which I'm happy to certainly let go of. He made some mistakes, as did I. Neither of us had the tools to overcome them or at the least, accept our weaknesses and learn to navigate life around them.
So yeah, I realise I just want to get on with my life. I love my H, and I always will. But I realise this is a time for me to really evaluate my own values and needs as an individual and in a partnership, and start healing my 'wounds' from my R, accept my insecurities, and strengthen my strengths.
I already have a life, just that I need to focus on it a lot more than I have done. My mental capacity was taken up by the how to manage the sitch with my H.
On review - this past week - I have been exercising every other day with my kettlebells, which I just love. Now that PMS is over, I can start focussing again on reading for Uni. I am already going out with my friends (been having them over a lot these days), and doing the things I really enjoy (and need to do for Uni).
I love doing beauty treatments for myself, and am oiling my hair tonight as I surf the web.
If my H were ever to come back, I would be taking it VERY slow, of that I'm sure. I've realised that not only would I have to prove myself to him, he also needs to prove himself to me.
Yankee-YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT PMS! Last month it was PreMS, DuringMS, Post-MS! Lasted 2wks! Thank goodness it only lasted a day this month! I'm considering starting the pill today just to avoid the roller coaster of emotions. However, on the upside (as do you) I have learned to "parent myself" by doing a better job at GAL!
-oiling your hair, interesting...
Take care today
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
