Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 524
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 524
I had the same in my sitch. My W badgered me every couple days early on. He wants the D, let him work for it. No need to be accomodating when it comes to this. Let him know know you are busy this week. Maybe next week you "will have more time."

This is the worst part - the first several weeks. Hang in there!


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Thanks Ricki

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 791
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 791
YankeeCandle: Just read through your sitch. Sorry for being on this rough road.

The good thing is that you are working on your self. That's the best you can do. And believe me, it does pay off emotionally. The day your happiness is in your control and not outside of you is when people will wanna be around you (i am sure this applies to your H as well).

As for your H's talking on the D details. There's not much you can do to control that. You have pick up courage and talk to him if wants to. Keep calm and talk details. Though it can feel like hell, know inside that this is NOT the end. Believe me, it is never over. My W and I were about 1 week away from signing the final decree before things slowed down.

However i will say that it would be good to dig into the fundamental cause for your R to disintegrate. try to figure out your role in the R's demise. Then try working on each of them. Do a 180 on each. You earlier identified your mood swings. Try to work on them. Not for your H, but for yourself. Become a stronger and happier person. Then your H will have second thoughts on why is trying to move away from you.

But as i said, don't do all these for anyone but yourself.

Good luck!


BITS
M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Thanks myKarma.

Yes, I am 180 on my habits. I have been putting my pride to the side and been incredibly open and sincere, and doing more honest communication without blame. It has been a wonderful journey because I am actually applying it to many of my interactions and it works well, very well. So, I am benefitting from this process.

Regarding the R: to be honest, there aren't major issues that can't be resolved. It was just the usual stuff nothing major that I can see - but this is my perspective. He however sees it differently. Without realising it I think he is going through some kind of identity crisis. It's like he wants a divorce but does not want to end the relationship - and is wanting to turn it into a friendship - just to exercise his will. He still loves me, and I still love him - we continue to say it regularly to each other. He perceives that I have been the one 'in control' of the relationship - but from my perspective we have both been in control. The biggest difference is in temperments. He's been a people pleaser and I tend not to be that way. He hates confrontation, and I have never had a problem with that.

He is stuck in our past, and has lost trust that things could work out because 2 years ago I laid the bomb on him of wanting to separate. He has not recovered from that. So, we have reversed roles now which is what allows me to be more understanding than I would normally be. Back then, I too was stuck in our past and couldn't see how things could work and I too was adamant that it should end. This is the crux of why this thing is moving in the way it is.

What got me to change my mind? His incredible steadfastness and strength. That he finally was listening to me. Not much had changed mind you, but I was looking for validation (I know see) more than anything else. So, I have begun to listen - truly listen - to him, and I see that the one thing he wants more than anything is peace and harmony. I think he thinks that the best way to get it is by not being together anything. So, that is what I am working on - creating as much peace as possible.

Except that now he is trying to apply 'peace and harmony' to the divorce process and that is a big hurdle for me. But maybe that's exactly what I need to do. Still, I need to look after myself financially, but how to achieve peace when there are differences in the way things should go?

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
Yankee,

I find you inspirational because you do seem like you are at peace. I think my H is going through the same identity crisis or quarter life crisis, because he just wants to start his whole life over and is not happy with anything in it. He just decided to get rid of me first....don't understand because our relationship is not that bad (even on my end)....well before the EA/PA that he just had three weeks ago! We had normal communication issues and in law issues, but nothing that I can see that can't be fixed.

I need to keep telling myself that this could take time and just like for you, it's not the end until it's over..right??


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Yes Stephanie - it's ain't over til it's over! I feel that very much in my situation.


I had a dream this morning about an old boyfriend of mine. It was the boyfriend that I had before my husband. In the dream, it finally ended. I don't know what exactly ended, but the feeling was just no longer there.

that's when I realised my current R is not over because I still love him. It will be a bumpy ride for a while, but this has not been fully decided. All I can do is my best, and that is what I will feel at peace with in myself. Yes of course I feel unhappy about how things are going at the moment, and I have moments of fear, but I try not to dwell too much. I have been through enough in life to know the importance of focussing on the possibilities, because miracles can happen.

BTW, my old boyfriend used to be someone who never knew what he had until he lost it (me). I did complain that he needs to stop looking at other women, and stop talking about his ex-girlfriend and so forth. I was sick and tired of it, and that's when I fell out of love. He was stuck in his own past. 5 years after I finished it, he emailed me to say that he was still in love. I told him that I was married and in love with my husband so don't even bother (obviously I said it in the nicest possible way but firmly). I told my husband and shared the email with him.

I'm concerned that my H is now expressing some of that old boyfriend's traits. There is a danger I might fall out of love if he carries on, and this I am more afraid of than anything else to be honest. I loved loving my H, and I loved being loved by him.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
Keep holding on to your feelings Yankee! This is your M and I completely understand why you want to save it. It is true that all we can do is our best and if in the end, our H don't want the best of us, then they didn't deserve us in the first place. I love my H dearly and that's why I'm trying so hard to give him his space. I have not texted or called him since our date yesterday and am debating about when I should do it next. I don't want to be too pushy and I know that if he's not calling me, then obviously he does not want to talk to me, but then I also know he is avoiding life in general. I just don't know what to do...

Try to not be afraid of the future...just keep being the best you!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 791
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 791
Giving him his space i think is a good idea for now. He needs to find himself. Especially if he does not like confrontation. I think there's something on his mind that he is unable to express and thinks that separating would solve his problems. It might for now. But he's gonna run into the same issues even with another person. But that is something he would need to realize. In the long term, he should be able to express himself to you without feeling that he's walking on eggshells.


BITS
M 38
W 36
D 7
Married 15 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Hi Karma - yes this is my hope! That he can express himself without feeling like he's on eggshells (which he has said a lot). I'm a strong personality, and he often says "with power comes responsibility" to me. So yes, I am being accepting of his need for space. I can fiercely accept, just as much as I can fiercely argue. What this process is teaching me is that I can be both gentle and strong - using my strength in different ways. I like it very much.

We have been talking a lot over the weekend. Yesterday, he emailed me something that was upsetting and worrying. Saying how lost he is etc. I offered him support. Otherwise, I just let him do the contact. He needs to find himself and I can certainly understand that process. It's a hard process though, and I did my whole, "I need to find myself' thing a couple of years ago. He was there to support me entirely. He says he needs to be alone - is that a man thing?

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
I don't have much to report today. H emailed me a joke today. I responded with "haha!". It was sweet.

I do have a personal coach helping me on a personal level. We talked today about the importance of 'reframing' my position, and also about how to deal with oppositional behavior - and what not to do. He brought in a sales analogy, which helps people bring their defenses down. I feel a bit overloaded with people management skills, so I'm taking a break from it all for a little while. I do find it absolutely fascinating and I am putting many of the skills to practice in my daily life. My relationships are improving as a result. I still slip, but overall, I see positive changes. It's good practice but the real test will come when (if) my H ever decides to reconcile.

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard