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Thanks Bill!

Ok, maybe half journal/half advice request.

I received an email from my MIL that was really sweet. She said:


hi DIL,

happy birthday to you and all the best for the coming year.. hope you'll have a lovely day.

We had great easter holidays with good food and cakes, but honestly, most of the time we were talking about you two.
he still has a lot of feelings for you and he is very sad for the being situation.

i do hope, that both of you can work it out and come to a reasonable solution.

lots of love ...


I have to say I felt really good to read that email.

Ok, so here I am wondering - well, he was the one who walked out. He rejects 90% of any suggestions I make, either to reconcile or to do small things together. You all know I've just stood back from all that now.

We really are like two groundhogs.

So here we are two people who clearly love each other but just can't sort ourselves out (in terms of insecurities).

I don't make offerings anymore coz I'm tired of the rejections - and I told him that too. I'm also weary of his lack of boundaries with other women (which stems from his people-pleasing nature). Though he hasn't done anything to cross the line (to my knowledge) he does walk too close to the fence for my liking. In this situation, I wonder if there is an AE going on - though my snooping has not proved that in any way.

He is weary of my outbursts. Mind you, 65% of my outbursts come when his boundaries are 'scattered', and the incidents linger and linger and never get resolved so they all pile up after a while.

We clearly need a counselor on this issue, but I am also weary of counselors. The last one we had - while she was excellent for individual matters - was not all that great when it came to relationship solutions. After he announced he was 'Done!" and well out the door, she was like, "Two fire signs don't belong together." She might have been saying that to make me feel better, but I'm sorry - what kind of diagnosis is that??!! We do have a lot of 'fire' in our relationship, but I always felt it was just right - it never went over the edge and in the good times, we experienced lots of excitement and energy together. We have an excellent balance of action and intellect and emotion. He truly is nearly perfect for me - only he needs to get his boundaries sorted out!!! But then, maybe I too need to learn to communicate in such a way that will get him to take heed.

Any ideas?

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Hi YC

Firstly the email from your MIL, it sounds really positive - but we don't know if it was your H or your MIL who was making you the conversation subject. All I am saying is that, your MIL might be trying to give you hope, because she knows what's best for her son. It Is still positive though either way, I'm just playing devils advocate, as what she's saying isn't matching his actions.

I can totally see where you are coming from about the over friendliness that is basically just flirting. My W is a massive flirt and she craves and needs other people to flirt back and find her attractive (it's how she deals with her own insecurities). At times it has really annoyed me, but that's just how she is - and yes it did lead to an EA which ended up being a PA. But let's not go there :-(

I think that IC is probably the best thing for dealing with our insecurities, I know it has helped me out big time with mine.

YC we really can't make our spouses change their nature and behaviour, if we want to be with them, we have to accept them for who they are. Everyone has their own boundaries of course.

I don't get scared of rejection anymore, I get scared of the fear of not putting myself out there to be accepted or rejected. Sometimes, now I'm definitely quoting a book I started to read a while back, sometimes we have to feel the fear and do it anyway. It sounds like you know what you need to work on for YOU in terms of communicating and controling your emotions, MC might feel like pressure for your H.

I think you guys, just need to hang out more frequently and things might just happen naturally. The more you practice being together and interacting the better you'll both get at it. Then the anxieties and pressure will go and you both won't be over thinking things.

That's my take on it anyway.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Hi Bill -

Thanks for your response. Yeah, I can pretty much imagine it was an equal measure of both of them. His mother must have prodded, but he too was willing to chat.

Yeah, his actions aren't adding up with her words. And I agree, we need to just hang out more and let it happen naturally and assess each other on an interaction level. Maybe when I move to my new place, it will happen more naturally as I will be closer to him. Maybe he will start to come out of his shell a bit if this holding pattern gets too much for him, OR the EA dies down.

Time will tell on that one.

Yeah, 'flirters' do need to sort out their insecurities because it ruins a lot of comfort in a in an otherwise wonderful and secure relationship.

I have to also ask myself whether I want to go back to that. It's another reason I'm totally backing off. Why rush back into something that has caused me a lot of confusion and doubt over the years?

Well, it's still his job to come with a clear "let's work on things" attitude, backed up by some action. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing my thang wink

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