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Ok - update - I guess the email did work afterall. It really was a 180 for me to respond in such a collected and kind manner in these stressful times.

Ok, I just got 3 emails in a row from H. Two of which were videos and one asking for some advice on another recipe. The videos were his way (I think) of sharing where he is. He used to do that a lot like when he went to heavy metal concerts and I would stay home, he'd call me and videostream it. It's kind of like that.

Still, some analysis would be most welcome whenever possible. I know it's Easter and everyone must be busy etc., so I do understand - but it would be extra cool to get some feedback. Thanks!

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I just realised, his mother is working hard on her end. They keep making food that is from my culture, and this can only be his mom communicating with me through food. She is an excellent cook, as I am and so is he (when he applies himself). In 17 years, she has never asked me for recipes - she knows it all. Honestly, the best cook outside a restaurant I've ever come across - second to Martha Stewart. But my H has clearly been being asked to ask me for recipes - hence all the recipe requests lately. I should take some lessons from the older ladies - they are pretty savvy. My own mother is pretty savvy too.

His mom came down with cancer in December and despite the fact that he broke up with me on 31 December 2011, I went to see her in January 2012. She and I aren't terribly close - but we were friendly all this time. She isn't the kind of person you can get close to anyway - kind of domineering, cold but ever so polite about it all.

I actually went with my H to visit her, and I made sure - along with my parents - that she had proper medical care and medical advice. I'm the kind of person that doesn't allow anything get in my way if there is a health issue on the table. That is one of my values. Nothing is more important than health - provided of course the person wants the help themselves.

My H didn't feel comfortable with me going with him, but I told him he needed to deal with it and that he wasn't going to get in the way of my 17 year relationship with his mother so I was going whether he liked it or not. He dealt with it. We drove together and we ended up having a good trip.

I knew that was potentially the last time I'd see her as well.

His mother was highly appreciative of me helping her during that time.

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Hey YC, just caught up on your thread. I really liked how your C is helping you reframe things. That is so important right now. Many of our Non-DB friends like to frame things in the negative and it is extremely hard to turn that around.

Onto your the current email sitch - while I think its a great sign that your H is sending you these emails dont get your hopes up. In some ways it shows you how crazy he is right now. Most people that are breaking up dont reach out looking for recipes.

Although its a good sign, it also is a long journey. Dont mention your R just continue to let him reach out to you. One day it will click for him but nothing you say can make it click sooner.

Keep track of the positives, like the emails in a private notepad and keep doing what works!


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Originally Posted By: YankeeCandle
I just realised, his mother is working hard on her end. They keep making food that is from my culture, and this can only be his mom communicating with me through food. She is an excellent cook, as I am and so is he (when he applies himself). In 17 years, she has never asked me for recipes - she knows it all. Honestly, the best cook outside a restaurant I've ever come across - second to Martha Stewart. But my H has clearly been being asked to ask me for recipes - hence all the recipe requests lately. I should take some lessons from the older ladies - they are pretty savvy. My own mother is pretty savvy too.

His mom came down with cancer in December and despite the fact that he broke up with me on 31 December 2011, I went to see her in January 2012. She and I aren't terribly close - but we were friendly all this time. She isn't the kind of person you can get close to anyway - kind of domineering, cold but ever so polite about it all.

I actually went with my H to visit her, and I made sure - along with my parents - that she had proper medical care and medical advice. I'm the kind of person that doesn't allow anything get in my way if there is a health issue on the table. That is one of my values. YC - this showed real character!! - no wonder your MIL is fighting your corner, she's seen the real you & is subtley trying to show your H that only the strongest, kind and morally sound people would do such a selfless thing in such an adverse situation.
Nothing is more important than health - provided of course the person wants the help themselves.

My H didn't feel comfortable with me going with him, but I told him he needed to deal with it and that he wasn't going to get in the way of my 17 year relationship with his mother so I was going whether he liked it or not. He dealt with it. We drove together and we ended up having a good trip.

I knew that was potentially the last time I'd see her as well.

His mother was highly appreciative of me helping her during that time.



Hey YC

Sometimes it stinks being a guy and not being able to see what's good and pure in this world. What you did for your MIL was incredibly brave and selfless, you are a good woman, not many people would swallow their pride and do what you did. I'm proud of you YC, you have a good heart.

You just keep up the good work with your 180's & GAL & stay focused on you & good things will happen in time.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Thanks Bill - I guess I performed a "mitzvah" come to think of it. I didn't realise it until now.

Saw my H this afternoon. He came over to drop off the car. I didn't feel numb. I actually quite looking forward to seeing him. So, when he arrived, it was good to see him. I felt...yeah, I felt!!

He brought some sausages and salami from Germany, along with some pork stuff. It was all very tasty. He stayed for a lot longer than I expected he would. A couple of hours at least. Very good. My heart was more open for sure, but I kept my distance.

I'm sitting here now and my heart is open again and warm. I'm learning Bill how to detach and love at the same time. Maybe I needed to go numb to switch gears, who knows. I feel good though.

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Yankee!
I wish those emails meant more than emails, but don't look too much into them. HOWEVER!! do see it as a small step.

Also...H lingering at your house must've been nice! Also, a small step

Regarding Rose Bowl,
H and I would always make plans to go together but his gym classes always took priority frown


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
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Originally Posted By: veroprado
Yankee!
I wish those emails meant more than emails, but don't look too much into them. HOWEVER!! do see it as a small step.


Hi Vero, I know I shouldn't see it more than it is - but I do because I am the one who shut everything down. He used to come over every weekend for a day to just hang. After a month of that, my heart was just going nuts. So I asked him to stop coming over and to stop emailing/texting unless it was for an emergency. That was February. He did stop for a while...and then these emails slowly started up and texts. At first it was one a week, then 3 a week, and now it seems nearly every day. In fact, I think only 3 days go by without some contact. And before, I was the one who was primarily emailing - but now he is taking full initiative on that front.

So the fact that we are emailing just about silly recipes, well, he clearly wants to connect.

And, you are absolutely correct. This is going to be a slow process.

Also...H lingering at your house must've been nice! Also, a small step

Yeah, small step - thanks for helping to keep my heart safe smile

Regarding Rose Bowl,
H and I would always make plans to go together but his gym classes always took priority frown [/quote]

OOOHH, I see!! Was he a gym instructor, or just a gym goer? My H also got into his gym big style. I know how you feel.

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Thanks Brklyn - thanks for helping to keep things in perspective too. Sometimes I get excited about these little things, so it's good to be reminded to just take it easy. wink

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My H and I were talking today about how many problems my car has been having recently. And, when I think about when it all started - it was just around the time that I said, "No texts/emails/visits unless it's an emergency." Basically, I was trying to get a grip on myself.

OMG!

On the very day that I said to my H that I want no more contact, my dad called me at 6AM to tell me that my mother had just gone into the hospital and if I could be there. I was a few hours away and it took me time to get there. He then said he would call my H to go there as he was closer to look after her (my dad was in another country at the time). My H happily agreed and took care of my mother that day until I could get there.

Every week since then, either my car or one of our cats has been having 'an emergency'. My car or cats have NEVER had so many problems all at the same time.

I do think the Universe is working over time.

I think I better lift the 'emergency' condition on an energetic level.

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Originally Posted By: YankeeCandle
Thanks Bill - I guess I performed a "mitzvah" come to think of it. I didn't realise it until now.

Saw my H this afternoon. He came over to drop off the car. I didn't feel numb. I actually quite looking forward to seeing him. So, when he arrived, it was good to see him. I felt...yeah, I felt!!

He brought some sausages and salami from Germany, along with some pork stuff. It was all very tasty. He stayed for a lot longer than I expected he would. A couple of hours at least. Very good. My heart was more open for sure, but I kept my distance.

I'm sitting here now and my heart is open again and warm. I'm learning Bill how to detach and love at the same time. Maybe I needed to go numb to switch gears, who knows. I feel good though.



Hey YC

I've just been reading your post & I think that the fact that you softened a little bit when your H came over, he didn't feel anxious & wanted to hang out. This is a big step, because that will be fresh in his memory, the last time he was with you - he had a good time (trust me this will make him think).

It's a balancing act, detaching so you protect yourself emotionally, but doing so lovingly so that you give enough encouragement to your H to pursue these good feelings and the source (YOU). That's all you have to do right now, just make the time you do spend together fun, pleasant and relaxed. It might just make the penny drop for your H, even if it doesn't it'll make you feel better if you're having a good time.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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