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I thought I had posted yesterday, but it hasn't popped up on the board. Thank you for so much information and support on this board.
My H separated on New Year's Eve. We were in the process of reconciling, and I was a little taken aback seeing as we were actually moving in a positive direction. We had a few small spats during the X-mas break, and I think he just couldn't see that anything would every change. Mind you, our spats were nothing like they were before. That was pre-DR.
Now that he is separated, he keeps saying he wants to be friends (without benefits). He would come over and we'd just hang out. I was getting awfully confused, so I told him this had to stop now. I stopped seeing him and we stopped making arrangements for dinner and so forth. We definitely still love each other, but he just doesn't see how we can live in harmony - except as friends.
We are in touch now only via email, and I am as positive as possible.
Has anyone else had this friends thing? How best to see this new aspect? I so want to be more with him when we are seeing each other, but this friends thing only is really getting on my nerves. What does the friends thing mean?
Loc: Little Egg NJ
Hi Yankee. tells how old you are, children, how long together, and what were his complainst about you. Please get the DR book and read it. The friend thing is all script. They all say the same thing.Read Sandis rules below and follow them. Post often as u are in moderation at first.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 51 W 50 D 17 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
Hi everyone - first of all sorry about the confusion regarding threads! I am a bit confused at how this works. I shall stick to this one.
OK - I just broke 1,2,3,4,6,7, 9 and 11. Whew!
Something in me today just shut down about all this. He keeps reconfirming that he does not want a relationship with me anymore because he needs to find himself, and he hasn't been living in his integrity, and that he can only do it alone. This is not only coming from him, but also the therapist of course. He does seem dead set in his ways and I know he can be very stubborn.
I have sent him emails just praising him though, and he responds very well to those.
I have read DR, one of the rules is lots of patience. My mother agrees. I need to have lots of patience. OK, so no more emails, no more anything from me. The only problem is that he is the main purse so every time I need extra cash, I have to call him about that. That is bothering me, but it is the only contact we have at the moment.
I don't think I'll have to act as if I am getting on with my life, I feel a desire to just get on with my life
Once I start falling out of love, then there really is no turning back for me.
Thanks so much for all your support here, and that this forum is here at all. I feel listened to. That will really help whenever I get an urge to email him - so thank you again!
I am 40, been married for 17 years. no children. Separated since 1 Jan.
His primary complaints about me were my PMS and outbursts, and when he would do something I would not easily forgive him and finally the finances really bothered him. I never brought in as much as he did and he said it was something that grated on him. I worked really hard getting my PMS under control (alternative therapy primarily) and that is a tough one to be honest. I also worked on my outbursts - never got physical, never got verbally abusive and never any name calling. It was more like I would not let go of an issue and could drag it out all day long, getting moody. So, I started to work on that too. I did succeed quite a lot in the last 6 months. Even he said so. I also decided to retrain in a different direction to help my career and money making prospects for myself, so am a full time student again for another year. I had hoped he would be patient. I guess it was too little too late.
It's taking some time for my posts to come up on the this topic. I posted yesterday and still nothing popping up. Hope this comes out today.
I am in a tricky situation with having to call my husband for some assistance. I had promised myself to not be in touch with him, but I got a flat tire, I live in the middle of nowhere, and the tire people can't make it for a couple of days. And no, I don't have a spare tire.
So, I asked my neighbour for help to get into town to pick up some things, but then I saw an email from them saying the grandmother just passed away last night.
I just started getting very emotional this morning, so I called my husband to ask him to come by and just help a bit. I feel so pathetic for feeling like a person who can't be independent and strong. I don't know what has happened to me!
It's very hard to think of your partner as no longer your partner when the sh*t hits the fan. I'm getting some harsh lessons here.