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#2223815 - 02/21/12 04:12 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: greenblue90]
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Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: greenblue90

I started lifting weights, dressing better, and being more upbeat. What could you do?

Ultimately she is the only one that can decide if she wants to love you, will you look like a dud or a stud when it's her time to decide?


I've dropped 85 pounds. I dress nicer. She has pointed out somethings that bother her. I'm working hard at changing those things. I've read nearly 40 books on relationships, marriages, sex, alpha males, letting go, affairs, forgiveness, etc. Not only have I read them, but I have put them to practice.

The big issue is my (and her) need to detach. I never quite understood the concept, but it makes sense now. By being codependent I was never allowing her to be herself...of course she's codependent as well....but I can't change that. I can see how this affected the marriage negatively.

I really am not concerned if I'm a stud or a dud in her eyes. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be with her, but not under these conditions. She's got to step up to the plate. When she left I became a better person. A happier person. I've already told her that I'm going to have a great marriage; I just prefer it's with her. One way or another I'm taking the family to the next level by being a better father, husband, etc. She can come with me if she wants, but it's her choice.

I don't feel like I have anything to prove to her anymore. I've owned up for my mistakes...and I keep owning them as I discover them. I'm working hard on changes...not for her...for me and my kids. I love her and miss her, but I'm going to be fine with or without her.

As for her being back...I'm not sure she is. Right now she is going through some financial hardships. She is suddenly being nice to me again. I seem to remember the last time she was really nice to me...it ended up with me agreeing to father another man's child...until she had an abortion and then kicked me out a week later. Normally, I jump in and save her. She's dropped a few hints. I politely told her that I was not in a place where I could help her financially, but if she needs someone to talk to or someone to help come up with some ideas for extra income I will be here.

Here are the facts...She left me. If she doesn't want me as a husband then she doesn't get the benefits of having one. I left everything to move in with her, just to be treated like garbage and thrown out. She's left me in a severe financial stranglehold as well. She wants me to get off her ass and let her be herself. Well, that's what I'm doing. She can't miss me if I'm always there picking up the pieces. She's never going to learn to deal with her mistakes or decisions if I'm always doing that for her.

I hope that I'm not coming off as bitter or angry. I'll admit I'm a bit frustrated. I've just come to realize that, if I love her, then I will let her go. I'll let her make her decisions. Sure, they not be the ones I would make for her. I may or may not like her decisions. But, she is an adult and is free to make them. She is also free to enjoy the good and bad results of her decisions. I'm free because I don't have to worry about her decisions...only mine.

Quite honestly, I have too much going on in my world. I can't try to live and fix her life for her. I know life [censored] for her right now. I would love to jump in and save the day. The only thing that would do is rob her of the chance to be herself and make her own decisions. Just like with my girls...sometimes I have to step back and let them learn the hard way. Plus, I've tried living and fixing her world for a long time...it hasn't turned out so well, has it?

I can look back and see how far I have come, and frankly, I'm proud. I'm not the obese, depressed, hopeless man that I was when she first left. I'm not the man lying face down on the floor crying hysterically because I found out she was dating. I'm not the man that is acting like the victim. I'm the man that has stepped up to the plate and have become a better father, husband, and human being. I still have a long ways to go...but I'll keep going until I get there.

So, I'm not the man that has the guts to hit on a married woman. I'm the man that has too much self-respect and respect for a fellow human being to do that. I'm not the bad boy that goes out and acts like a douche. If that is what she considers confident, then so be it. I call it being a belligerent, insecure, unhappy fool. I'm secure in who I am. I love who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I have nothing to prove to anybody. I take care of my business and focus on the important things like being a good father to my kids. I don't have to make others feel small to make me feel big. I don't have to be confrontational to prove to someone I can be. I don't have to hit on a lot of women or need someone to help validate who I am.
I'm me dammit. If that's not good enough for her, then that's her choice...and I'm willing to accept and honor whatever choice she makes.

I hope and pray that our marriage counseling will help us heal and grow closer together. I really do love her and want the best for her. I want her to be happy...as much as I hate to say this...even if it's without me.

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#2223816 - 02/21/12 04:19 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
One last thing...why does it automatically censor the word "s.u.c.k.s.", but it will allow me to say ass, dammit, and refer to someone as a douche?

Will it edit a phrase like, "a vacuum cleaner [censored] up dirt off the carpet"? What about, "suck it up"?, or, "all that running sucked the life out of me"?

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#2223817 - 02/21/12 04:20 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: davidrsae "a vacuum cleaner [censored
up dirt off the carpet"


classic!

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#2223818 - 02/21/12 04:21 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Wow...it didn't censor it this time...it just took the word out of the quote.

Am I missing something here? Is that word taboo for a specific reason?

I think I'm having too much fun with this. Maybe I should go to bed.

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#2225207 - 02/26/12 05:52 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
I had to cancel the marriage therapy session we were supposed to have this coming wednesday. apparently someone at her work had a family member die and she needs to cover for them.

part of me thinks it's bs. another part thinks she may be telling the truth.

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#2225321 - 02/27/12 06:36 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Eh, she gets one.

Try no to let it bother you, you can lose some major cool points by acting suspicious about it.

Act like it didn't bother you at all. She may even wonder why you're acting that way. If she skips out a second time just calmly tell her that you're starting to get the impression she doesn't want to go. Then drop it, and keep moving with your previous plan to move on.

The whole point is that she needs to go of her own free will. If you nag her about it or drag her to the therapist you'll just waste your money. If she refuses to go just chalk her up to her unwillingness to make amends and move on. At the very least go dark.

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#2225857 - 02/28/12 08:26 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: greenblue90]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Yep...just as I suspected. She doesn't want to go. She was only going so she wouldn't hurt my feelings.

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#2225860 - 02/28/12 08:30 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10596
Did she admit that she lied to you?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2225893 - 02/28/12 10:11 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: MrBond]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
yes she did. she told me today that there is a guy she likes.

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#2225948 - 02/29/12 01:43 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
David
Then save your money. If there's another guy in her radar she'll just use counseling to "try to prove" that the marriage is unsaveable.

Her admitting there's another guy she likes is a line crossed. I recommend if that's the case for you to drop the rope and go dark. Is she still living with you? If so consider separate housing arrangements.

I know she left returned, and is now flipping on you again. She appearantly can't still make the choice to put whatever anger she has behind and focus on truly piecing. She is still WAW, and in my opinion will probably stay WAW until something radically changes.

That changing factor needs to be you, personally I think you need to talk to her and let her know that her having feelings for someone else is unacceptable, and she needs to decide if she will pick him over you. Yes it is an ultimatum, so you have to be 100% ready for her response.

Judging by your previous posts it seems you are getting tired of this, and I don't blame you.

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