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#2226412 - 03/01/12 05:39 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: rickb89]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
my .02 but then WTFDIK
A lot more than you realize!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2226416 - 03/01/12 05:46 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.

^^^I would so buy this game. It is a game, right? Just saying, being a Fed I can get away with a lot.

I have not seen the wife in a few weeks. She still works on the other side of the park and I have several close friends that see her all the time. They all tell me she looks like sh!t. The bags under the eyes and pale complexion. I fell sorry for her, but at the same time it was her choice and I am here if she wants a dialogue. Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..


Apes tend to still look well under stress...from chimpan A to chimpan Z.

It goes to show you how much stress the WAS is actually under although its hard to believe when you see them happily enjoying their merry new existance.

My W ,same thing...she's really beaten up by her struggles. She's the king of girl who had the fortune of phenomenal looks and people think she's in her 20's but she's 45. With this however, it's wiping her out. One of my boys said the stress has caused her to look like Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars. He wasn't joking, the stress she's under is huge.

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#2226424 - 03/01/12 05:58 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3701
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..


The only one stressed in that equation ^^^ , is your bikini waxer.....

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#2226432 - 03/01/12 06:12 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Mach1]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Free-range shaved ape bro!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

Top
#2226464 - 03/01/12 08:02 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10549
Loc: west coast
Purg...

((( )))

wow, what a week you had!

I just want to agree with your approach to the supposedly "new news" b/c I think if your h and OW (whether it's bff or someone else)

were having an affair 3 YEARS ago, why go through all the charades of MC?

And why have another child? Doesn't make sense. And if it is BFF why wouldn't her h know then, and not til now?

And he'd have certainly made it an issue. And last but not least, I feel like punching the idiot neighbor who passed the crap along even if it is true;. Anything that happened 3 years ago...you need to mention NOW? really?

so your approach is a healthy one if you think you could get past it, if it were true.

Also, you would not be a "fool" to have trusted him then. He'd simply be a liar. You'd have been a trusting wife. There's no "duping" in the past.

Your changes are being noticed but he's also digging in himself to see how much damage has been done b/c he's maybe wondering if HE could get past the past...his sharing his pain with you was a good thing. He didn't sound angry so much as sad. Let's face it, this is tragic no matter who we are angry at today or who we want to blame. A tragic failure to communicate and act on the awareness of how much damage was being done.

Anyhow, I do feel his statement about Afghanistan and seeing what happens, was realistically, the best most positive thing he could have said. Well done but now that you've said your piece, enough.

Also I didn't see the comment about forgiving til I read it a third time and that matters a little b/c it means you said so much that your main message might have been lost....keep it shorter in the future. Generally I don't think more than 6 lines can be well conveyed and recalled later...

the focus tends to be on the one negative comment if there was one. If you told him 10 positives and one negative, a month from now he'll recall mostly the negative and maybe one or two of the positives and they won't outweigh the negative (remember-as my professor said, "it takes 5 compliments to undo the hurt and focus of ONE negative criticism"--that is from my grad psych class. Then again, that professor also said "plants feel & EXPRESS pain every day" so what does she know?--which explains the screaming I heard last night when I made the salad and cut the carrots...oh the humanity cool )

Not sure about the GD guilt thing...could be a conscience--remorse, which I think is healthy...and who cares? Seriously...that is SO NOT your problem.

But 2's point (or Machs??) was more relevant. IOW, what are YOU conveying somehow

even now, that makes your h see you not considering other's feelings?

Part of me would have laughed in his face and said "you're kldding right? Good one!"

But it's healthier and stronger to look in the mirror to CHECK yourself.

Your h may be way out of line and projecting, which I was tempted to assume...or not.

What to you "know"? We know that

Taking the high road will never be something you regret. And your kids will appreciate it, even if they don't know about it.


Being angry is what you said you were for 5 of the 9 year marriage.

Showing your h more of that old Purg, won't help the cause.

Stay on course.

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2226480 - 03/01/12 09:15 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
I thought that Rick89 had a strange set of posts going today, then I cane here and hear about bikini waxing a monkey! I love this place!! It's heartwarming to know that in the middle of such sadness and misery- we can still find ways to laugh smile

25- thank you for coming by again!! I always appreciate your view on the events in my stich. I DO feel good that I chose to let go of the 'new' info from the neighbor.... I actually haven't thought much about it since I put it down.

I have always been told about how negatives outweigh the positives- in fact, I've used that on H sometimes! I really hope that my 'speech' was taken positively by him- but if YOU had a hard time catching the forgiveness part, then there's a chance that he did too. EEK! I don't plan on saying anything more about it at this point, so I'm crossing fingers that a seed was planted.

H's birthday is this weekend, AND it's his weekend without the boys- so I didn't have any expectations to see him. He text me this morning and said:
"So I guess I should make an appearance at the house on Saturday. I'll come by for breakfast." (it did make me upset that he seems to be doing me a favor, when our arrangement has always been to have family breakfast on saturday, regardless of what else is going on.) I responded:
"I didn't make any plans so that you wouldn't feel obligated. Breakfast will be great!" he said:
"thank you."

Probably not the nicest I could have been, but I also held back a lot.

BTW, Cable guy got called, came out and it's all fixed! Pat on my back!!
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2226498 - 03/01/12 10:07 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: purgatory]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10549
Loc: west coast
your response about his Bday &him not feeling obligated and then the upbeat message about breakfast, was friggin' perfect...His comment was annoying but you deflected so well.

So be easy on yourself girl, I couldn't have done better WITH planning...you did that off the cuff!!

Not to get negative/Debbie Downer, but are we now assuming his r with XBFF is on again?

Just curious...didn't expect it to end so abruptly anyhow, and frankly I think it needs to expire on its own for YOU to feel safe enough to move forward with him someday. Must sukk to be the GD...and where is the GD's dad? And the whole military aspect faded out or what?

I think your h's time away in 'Ghanistan will probably be a real opportunity for you to DB uber well.

And HIS/Your kids sending care packages (with a scented note or two from u??)
won't hurt. Same for Skype--& of course Look GREAT when you are "connecting" them.

Not true pursuit to say "you sure are missed here" imo. But not now!

That's for later, when we'll enter the "Purg DB4 Deployments Campaign"...

btw, did I tell you my h is getting deployed this summer? He's in the Reserves and no, we did NOT see this coming. (Financially it's bad news for us since h's income is much higher in civilian/private practice, and our home loan was based on his private practice income level--oh well. If he comes home in one piece that's the main thing. But it'd be nice NOT to lose our house. I need to up my work hours big time now...ANYHOW...) But I Digress...


Gee, maybe our h's will be together...um, hmm, I can't decide if that's gross or cool.

Is your guy Army or Navy? Mine is Army.

oh AND one other thing...worst case scenario (Not likely, but if your mind wanders negatively,)

your h had an affair before, or long ago...

to me, that does NOT mean he wasn't also working on the m,

OR hoping things would improve with your m. Most spouses having A's check it out before they bail on the m.

They will take as little risk as possible. Selfish? Of course.

But my point is, I think all of that "apparent effort" working on the m, was sincere on his end. You're the mother of his children and he loves those boys.

Of course life would be way easier if you two could work this out. Maybe when he's away, that will hit him more. He'll have the perspective of what fathers mean to their sons, what being apart is REALLY like....that the boys deserve that chance as a family.

How was your h last time he deployed? How were YOU? What will your 180s be when he's gone?

I swear my h gets more romantic, kinder and more patient with everyone when he's gone...(which does not go unnoticed by my teenage daughter.) Oh well.

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2226499 - 03/01/12 10:08 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10549
Loc: west coast
ps glad you called the cable guy though I'd have been tempted to ask if his arms were not working b/c how heavy is a phone? But you were RIGHT to see it from HIS POINT OF VIEW

b/c in the end, if we cannot do that for each other, then the m is doomed.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2226942 - 03/02/12 10:50 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
25- yes, I do think the R with OW is kinda on- in the sense that he has stopped going over there as much but I'm sure he still texts/calls her- not sure how often. I have no idea if the OW's H will take action- he's usually a 'threaten and do nothing' kind of guy. He's currently stationed in Guam- with a live-in girlfriend.. So there's a whole lot of drama on that side of things! I have no desire to get involved!

The last deployment was 3 years ago. That one was for 9 months, the 2 previous ones were 8 months each. We only had 1 kid and our M was 'good'. We had a scheduled talk on the phone every day (he was a department head so he had a sat phone.) We never got to do Skype cause the ship's Internet was sketchy at best. He had made a DVD of him reading bedtime stories to S which we watched and followed along with the book almost every night. H would ask me to send care packages to some single sailors in his department b/c they never got anything. I was also the FRG president. Over all, H had me very involved in his ship life.

I have no idea what to expect with this IA. He will be living in a camp/base. I don't know if he'll have regular access to a phone or computer. Since our M is not good, I don't know that he'll make any extraordinary efforts to communicate. He has said that he will make another DVD for the boys to watch while he's gone.

Today:
I came home from work at 4:30, and H is taking a nap in the guest room. (It's nice to know that he chose to come here instead of crashing at his 'room'- it makes me think that he's still comforted by being in our home) He gets up, takes a shower and comes down to watch TV with S6 for a little while. In fact he's sitting across from me on the couch while I type this post (he keeps glancing at me) He didn't say why he came home, and just left to go to the gym.

Tomorrow is his birthday, and we've planned to do a family breakfast in the morning. Here's my thing: I've always made a big deal out of birthdays and H loved it b/c he said it was never a big deal in his house when he was growing up. I don't want to do too much that might make him uncomfortable, but at the same time- I want to be my authentic self (for my own peace of mind and to show him who I really am) and my 'A.S.' enjoys making other people happy on their birthday by doing the unexpected. How do I balance the 2??

I already did a little something (don't judge!). While he was napping, I put some shows I got him in the floorboard of his truck with a note saying 'happy early birthday'. When he left for the gym, I got a text: "Wow! Thank you, I love them!" (honestly my heart skipped a beat when I saw the word 'love'- even though it wasn't addressed at me, it's the first time I've seen that word from him in 4 months... I'm a sap.) I have a few more presents for tomorrow, 2 are 'from' the boys.

Do I hope he'll stay here tonight so he'll be at the house for breakfast, yes. Do I wish that he would say he wants to go out with me and the boys for his birthday dinner, yes. Do I have any expectations that either of these will happen, no.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

Top
#2226979 - 03/03/12 01:34 AM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: purgatory]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 755
a couple of years ago i went out and bought a plain iced chocolate cake which i had S (he had just turned 3 or 4.. can't remember) decorate for H. it had sprinkles.. smarties.. a gummy worm.. 2 gummy frogs.. and spock. i think it was the best cake ever!

i don't know what's right to do about the bday thing. that's tricky. isn't it a pain that the WAS doesn't think about things like that? i mean.. after a D.. do you have 2 separate bday parties for the kids?? do you invite the other?? what if it's not your weekend and it's your bday? what about mother's day? what a pain in the behind!

lol. i laughed at your comment about him loving his gift. i think we're just so happy to hear love come out of their mouth in something relating us! it's like a little happy shock to our system!

what's on the agenda for the weekend? your first weekend off after starting the new job...
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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