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#2225370 - 02/27/12 10:48 AM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: 2thepoint]
Oneeleven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 301
How do I know which DB Buddies group it is? I would like to join.

My picture is me shooting a gun right now, so if you see me, plz add me smile

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#2225412 - 02/27/12 01:25 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Oneeleven]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Quote:
Last night (yes, last night) I went to a concert for my Goddaughter at her HS. I knew that I would see OW there, so I prepared myself for the possible interaction. (ok, so when I actually got there and saw her in line a few people ahead of me, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes- i chickened out.) BUT I recovered and found my seat in the auditorium. I tried not watch where she was going to sit, but I found her with her other 2 Ds and guess who else.... my H and S6!!! I almost wanted to crawl out of my skin right there in my seat. I didn't look over at them, I didn't get up and walk away. I managed to sit there long enough to hear GD sing, and *then* I left when it was dark. I got to my car and screamed at the top of my lungs and cried the whole way home. I didn't know if H saw me there until he came home later and asked my I left early. It was all i could do not to yell at him and call him all the nasty names I could think of... I honestly said to him: "I didn't expect to see you there and it took me by surprise. I saw GD sing and didn't see a reason to stay till the end." He said, I didn't want it to be awkward for you, I'm sorry. [REALLY?? not awkward for me?!? I would love to know what OW's friends thought seeing her sit with a man who is NOT her H?? That's might have been a little awkward for her!]


Holy cr@p,P!!! I couldn't believe what I was reading. Your H has the nerve to play the "supportive" part to your exBFF and also bring your S6??? What happened to him breaking off all contact due to exBFF's H's threats? Is he now willing to jeopardize his career after all? Yikes!!!

And you, woman, you continue to amaze me every day! The fact that you went to the concert to support your GD, who is another innocent victim of this, requires a lot of strength and dignity as it is. But the fact that you kept your cool, kept your head high and stayed!!!!...that is truly amazing!!!

Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest smile You're such an inspiration!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2225431 - 02/27/12 02:05 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: nhmom]
Oneeleven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 301
shocked

I did not see that post frown

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#2225436 - 02/27/12 02:08 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Oneeleven]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
111- it was in response to something on RoRo's thread.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2225449 - 02/27/12 02:50 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: purgatory]
Oneeleven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 301
Honestly, I'm floored. I find it to be kind of disgusting.

Did he know for sure that you were planning on attending?

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#2225477 - 02/27/12 04:22 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: Oneeleven]
31nheartbroken Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 137
I know, I didn't see that one either! That is horrible!! I think you handled it great!

I would have been tempted to go over and slap her!! H better hope I never come face to face with his OW.

I can't believe your H was so casual about it afterwards. "I'm sorry", WAS's don't realize how meaningless sorry is coming from them!!! UGH!!
_________________________
Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!

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#2225559 - 02/27/12 10:10 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: 31nheartbroken]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Thanks for the encouragement. I really try to be aware of maintaining my dignity, and not engaging H in an argument (b/c that's exactly what old purg would have done, and that's what he's expecting.)
----------------------------
Ok, so I've either completely ruined things, or I planted a seed...

Last night H and I were talking about random stuff before bed- and a huge voice in my head said: "tell him!" It was so loud that I could have sworn someone was behind me. So I just opened my mouth and things started flowing out- it was almost like an out of body experience b/c I don't know where it all came from. Everything DB has taught me, went flying out the door. Here's what I said:

"I'm not holding onto you anymore, I'm moving on and creating a life for me and the boys. I have accepted that my H and my M are over and gone, and to be honest, I wouldn't want that M back. It wasn't good for either of us. I didn't like who I was in that M. I can tell you that I still love you; not my H, but *you*. I love the guy who can go toe to toe with me and put me in my place, the guy who can make me have the sqweeky laugh that makes you laugh, the father of my children, the man who is my solid ground when I get shaky. I still love that man. I will also tell you that there is nothing that has been done or said that can't be forgiven and moved on from. I know that I'm not the one you want to help you through the pain and confusion, because I'm the one that caused it- but I would like to try. I can't apologize enough for some of the things I've done or said to you, I could say I'm sorry everyday of that would help (jokingly.) It took years of neglect for you to walk away, I have no expectation that any of it would change in a matter of weeks or months. You always wanted/needed me to be vulnerable with you and be completely open- it took me a year to figure out how to do that- but it was too late by then. And now that I am capable of being completely open with you, you don't want it. It's hard to have all these instincts and responses towards you- like reaching to give you a hug or expressing passion for you.Things that you always said you needed from me. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to let you know where I'm at in this sitch."
My voice remained steady, soft and calm the whole time. And my heart was about to jump out of my chest!!

He kept my stare the whole time and never interrupted. He looked away a few times to wipe his eyes (he didn't try to hide the fact that he was getting chocked up.) When I was done, he stared right into my eyes for what felt like an hour- almost like he was searching behind my eyes for something. He said:
"thank you for telling me all that, it means a lot to me. I appreciate you respecting my boundaries and not reaching out towards me for affection. I'm still recovering from us- this hurt me a lot more that I realized. I'll have a year in Afghanistan away from everyone and everything, so we'll see what happens then" [he was referencing a previous comment when I brought up OW and her role in his deployment]

He went to bed and gave me a "good night babe" and I got 'the grin' that makes my heart melt. Today, I get a text on my way to work reminding me to take care of some tax papers. Another text an hour later to tell me to put S6 name on his bat and glove for tee ball. Both strange b/c there's no rush and he could have told me these reminders later.

I didn't hear from him he rest of the day- except when he text at 8pm to say he needed to come by and get a few things. He only talked to me to tell me that he was concerned about something I said to my GD and that he thought it was inappropriate. [when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.] I told him there was no malintent and I would resolve this with GD. He told me that he thought I've been doing this a lot lately: not thinking about others reactions before I say something (really. Of sure what else he's referring to?) He left to go sleep at 'his room'.

So, it's long and tedious- and if youve made it to the end, thank you.
Any ideas if I've screwed up?
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2225567 - 02/27/12 10:18 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: purgatory]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Do you fell like you messed up? What you said was from the heart and well said.

Now this
Quote:
when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.]
Guilt is not always a bad thing, people should feel guilt when they hurt other people. That's not false guilt.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to apologize.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2225569 - 02/27/12 10:24 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: labug]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Wow Purg! I think you did great! What you said was straight from the heart. And the fact that your H didn't turn away and said thank you should tell you something. No matter what happens, I think you've definitely got his wheels turning.

P.S. Can you send some of those nerves of steel this way?
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2225575 - 02/27/12 10:38 PM Re: If you like Pina Coladas.... [Re: purgatory]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Here's what I said:

"I'm not holding onto you anymore, I'm moving on and creating a life for me and the boys. I have accepted that my H and my M are over and gone, and to be honest, I wouldn't want that M back. It wasn't good for either of us. I didn't like who I was in that M. I can tell you that I still love you; not my H, but *you*. I love the guy who can go toe to toe with me and put me in my place, the guy who can make me have the sqweeky laugh that makes you laugh, the father of my children, the man who is my solid ground when I get shaky. I still love that man. I will also tell you that there is nothing that has been done or said that can't be forgiven and moved on from. I know that I'm not the one you want to help you through the pain and confusion, because I'm the one that caused it- but I would like to try. I can't apologize enough for some of the things I've done or said to you, I could say I'm sorry everyday of that would help (jokingly.) It took years of neglect for you to walk away, I have no expectation that any of it would change in a matter of weeks or months. You always wanted/needed me to be vulnerable with you and be completely open- it took me a year to figure out how to do that- but it was too late by then. And now that I am capable of being completely open with you, you don't want it. It's hard to have all these instincts and responses towards you- like reaching to give you a hug or expressing passion for you.Things that you always said you needed from me. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to let you know where I'm at in this sitch."


Sometimes you just got to put "it" out there and then be at peace with your decision. DB has it's protocols but every sitch also has its own unique dynamics, so you do what works.

I think you were able to connect with your wayward H and only time will tell where it all leads. Just remember to have no expectations! I would also encourage you to refer back to those words on a regular basis to remind yourself what you are feeling and where your head is at during a moment of complete clarity. This will sustain you during the dark times.

Regarding the feedback your H gave you, "He told me that he thought I've been doing this a lot lately: not thinking about others reactions before I say something..." think about what he said because although you think you are succeeding at your 180's, it seems like maybe the old you pops up from time to time and you probably are not even aware of it. So just use it as a self check for future interactions.

Overall, I think this was a watershed moment for YOU.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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