When it's a one-way street...part 3

[Crazyville]

Well, all I can say is, the instructor in my microeconomics class might just be the best thing ever for my marriage.

[oldtimer]

CV,

I asked before why you are in such great pain. You declined to answer, saying you wanted to work on changing you in the present.

But, the bitterness, hostility, pettiness, anger, huge disrespect (funny you wrote about that last night because I was going to post about it yesterday), irritability, grasping superiority, judgmentalness, dismissiveness, withholdingness, condescension, and vigilant hyper-criticalness you have toward H floods every interaction you have with him. It also shapes every reaction you have to a suggestion or comment someone makes to you on this board.

Look, you say you want to work on yourself. Then do it. Until you address the deep pain you are in to get yourself into the place you are with H, not much in your life or your R will change.

Soooooo much of what you are reacting to in H is really all about you. Your interactions with H could have been mine with XH. It is VERY hard to see that so many of your issues with H are about things entirely different from what you think and many of the are just with yourself. While you are in such pain, you will continue to despise H.

So, again, why are you in such great pain?

And, I really think these would be great books for you:

Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and FeelGreat Again

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations

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As for how to tell H you think he is an unmanly weak idiot and that he needs to change if he wants a thimbleful of respect from you, don't.

Instead, try treating him like a strong, manly, intelligent guy who you respect.

CV: H, it would be so great for me if you can install this shelf.
H: Well, yeah, let me try.
CV: Excellent!
H: I dunno if I can figure it out, the diagram is confusing.

CV: I know — why can't they get better illustrators! Seriously, I trust you. I know you can do just as good a job as me, probably better. It is tricky and I'm not going to freak out if it isn't perfect. I really appreciate you trying and you can always pull me in as a second set of hands if you need one. Just let me know, and I'll be at your service. And, btw, it really turns me on when you fix stuff for me. Isn't that crazy, lol?

Give H a chance to shine.

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As for taxes, if he has said he is going to do them this year, let him and trust him to do so. Taxes can be submitted late. Forms can be amended. No disaster looms. Let him be. You can totally avoid putting on your controlling B hat. Indeed, eliminate it from your R wardrobe altogether.

Create emotional space for yourself so you can do this. Have a plan if it looks like taxes won't be filed by midnight. At 11:30, just say: "Hey, for my own sake, I am going to zap my tax stress and file an extension electronically (with a generous overpayment to make sure we're covered if necessary). Cool with you?"

Between now and 11:30 on tax day, IGNORE the taxes. H is doing them. They get done or they don't. If they don't, you have a plan. So, between now and then, LET IT GO. Say nothing to H about the taxes. If he asks for help with anything, help him graciously with enthusiasm. Be a good partner. If he is panicking about not finishing on time at some point, only then might you make the suggestion about filing an extension to get breathing room as a good partner. Otherwise, GIVE HIM SPACE TO TAKE CARE OF IT HIMSELF.

You don't need to nag or manage or interfere or disrespect him. No disaster will strike. Leave him be. Promise yourself that you will manage your own tax stress without taking it out on him. When you feel the urge to act, remind yourself that you have made a very conscious choice to grow here and to give H space to grow. It is your choice to do this and you made that choice for good reason. There is no reason to control or panic. Disaster does not loom. An extension is very easy to file.

Make crystal clear in a loving way that you are staying out of taxes this year. Surprise him with the tax software, a bottle of wine, his favorite treat, and a card that says: "H, it's all yours this year! I promise to stay out of it and not stress. Just ask if you need anything, otherwise I am hands-off. Thanks! You're the best."

[Crazyville]

But, the bitterness, hostility, pettiness, anger, huge disrespect (funny you wrote about that last night because I was going to post about it yesterday), irritability, grasping superiority, judgmentalness, dismissiveness, withholdingness, condescension, and vigilant hyper-criticalness you have toward H floods every interaction you have with him.

If you really believe this, then please STOP asking me to interact with him at this time. I feel like you're completely contradicting yourself. I can't possibly pull off what you're suggesting, because every interaction I have with him will be flooded with this list of negativity.

[Crazyville]

BTW, I'll look into the books you've suggested. I'm going through a book about every two days. Might as well add a few to the list.

[oldtimer]

But, the bitterness, hostility, pettiness, anger, huge disrespect (funny you wrote about that last night because I was going to post about it yesterday), irritability, grasping superiority, judgmentalness, dismissiveness, withholdingness, condescension, and vigilant hyper-criticalness you have toward H floods every interaction you have with him.

If you really believe this, then please STOP asking me to interact with him at this time. I feel like you're completely contradicting yourself. I can't possibly pull off what you're suggesting, because every interaction I have with him will be flooded with this list of negativity.

Absolutely it is challenging to change how you present when it is just hard to express different thoughts and questions than you usually do. Sometimes it is so hard for me to communicate something to DH that it comes out horribly despite my best intentions, even when I am aware of the problem when my thoughts involve something that connects to old pain. This happens even when I am very clear personally that the pain producing the negative body language and tone has an internal source, it is not because of DH or coming from him. So yes, it is hard to change how we present when we struggle with pain.

You CAN use email and cards and text messages to eliminate the body language and tone problems, as well as giving you a chance to edit yourself. I can talk to DH pretty well now about hard things, but I had to learn how to do so in a more detached way. Email that you craft to convey what you really want to convey helps with this.

You CAN be aware of how your own stuff colors your perceptions of H and interactions with him and try to do better.

You CAN do better for yourself and your H and your R. You can apologize when something comes out badly: "Oh geez, that sounded like blah blah and that is so not what I meant to convey..."

But nothing changes until it changes. In particular, you won't change until you change.

[Crazyville]

I guess I want to point out once again -- I am the WAW. I'm the one who is done. I'm the one doing everything I possibly can to figure out if I even WANT to try again. I'm really trying to want to. I'm first trying to work on me because I'm not really even receptive to engaging with H, much less able to do it in a positive way.

I guess I wish everyone could speak to me as if I was Crimson's wife. That is where I'm at right now, shy the formal D. I can't imagine any of these posts being said to her, and then expecting their M to R. I suspect she would say, "DUH! Of course I'm angry!" then flip you the bird and walk away. At the same time, Crimson has done a 180, whereas my H has not.

You may be absolutely right in everything you're saying, OT, but you must consider your audience.

[2thepoint]

CV - please try to bear with the posters. You are receiving a tremendous amount of attention, all of it well intended. Absorb what you can on your own time. We'll still be here nudging you along every step of the way.

I put out a call earlier this morning for someone to drop by your thread. Hopefully she'll show up soon and you and her and all of us can continue to provided each other the support we all so badly need.

BTW, I am really impressed with the insight you are providing to others are the forum. The fact that you are already paying forward to others in such a meaningful way, is simply amazing.

Hang in there!!

[Crazyville]

I do understand, 2TP, and I do appreciate the time people have put into this. I also COMPLETELY understand that I am in at least a somewhat unique situation for this board. A lot of the advice has been very helpful, or at minimum something that I can hear and file away for later. But I do have a really hard time hearing that I should be telling my H, "And, btw, it really turns me on when you fix stuff for me" right now, for example, when I have a hard time even being in the same room with him. And being scolded for having all the characteristics of a WAS, when that's exactly what I recognize myself and claim to be, is unhelpful at best.

I know my limitations. I'm just trying to bring it back to center.

[25yearsmlc]

KD, I don't mean to come across as rejecting everything. I love the feedback on my current actions, and suggestions on what I can do to not make things worse. I just know my current limitations. ---- The chapter I was just reading is on emotional triggers and how not to respond. That is PERFECT for me right now. It gives me a tool to shut down these conflicts.---
--- I know it took Sandi a long time to motivate, even after she shut down her EA.

Meanwhile, does anyone have information on the conference I've heard about, maybe referred to as EE? I read a reference to it but didn't make a note and now I can't find it. It's a personal thing, not a couples/marriage thing. I thought I might like to look into that.

Yes I do...and there is a website.


Essential Experience is a workshop in Philadelphia that changed my life and my h's and some others around here, like Autumn Leave's and every single person I know who has attended and done it. Check their website. Crazy, I read your thread and I kept telling myself that EE is about the only thing I believe will help you...

why? B/c you have a tremendous amount of rage and no ability to forgive b/c you don't know how and NEITHER DID I...I never saw it growing up for one thing and plus I didn't think my h "deserved" it. Took me a long time to realize that holding onto my anger to punish h was like lighting myself on fire to get smoke in his eyes.

My anger was consuming ME... I needed to let it all go and learn to truly forgive.


EE is a 3-4 day workshop/personal growth experience you cannot BS or rehearse for. IT's run by very well qualified experts and therapists and you will gain clarity and peace if you trust their process and work it.

weekly therapy was good, but inefficient (to me) for changing your life b/c whenever I got an insight or breakthrough, I then had to go pick up the kids or go back to work...and start all over the next week.

plus EE is designed to elicit insights from you in a way that regular therapy won't. THere is Forgivness work I think you would get a lot out of. And you will leave with clarity and peace.

And it's the most supportive environment you'll find anywhere.

I cannot overstate how much it did for us.

Sorry if I sound like an Amway salesman and no, I don't get a kickback for saying this. There is one in April I think. But they fill up fast.

Good luck

[25yearsmlc]

I did it b/c of issues I had apart from my m/husband. I didn't expect him to do it but once I was there I hoped he would for HIS sake.

And the changes he saw in me led him to go a few months later.

And we have permanently been better for it. Not b/c of "marriage counselling" but b/c we each worked on ourselves so much and were also able to accept the other person as they are, (yet each has made effort to be better to the other).

IS it all perfect? No, life's not that way. We have had some real curve balls tossed our way lately, and will again.

What EE gives you, are the TOOLS for that. Tools we did not get growing up.

I really hope you go and let me know if you do.
(( ))