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#2223541 - 02/20/12 08:47 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Sometimes I cannot render enough layers of protection to protect me from all the negative forces - internal and external. Yesterday I just wanted to give up and be mean and ugly to everyone. I didn't but I was constantly on the verge.

We had a great party the night before and I think I was really tired. The only downside was my wife wanted to have a few drinks. When she came home with beer it immediately put me on edge. Then several other people came in toting beer. I really didn't want to monitor everything going on but I surely didn't want my wife going overboard. Honestly, she shouldn't be drinking at all but I cannot really force her. So I decided to share one with her then keep an eye out every time she opened another. I believe she only opened one more, but slammed it so I wouldn't get my hands on it.

Here's a major problem I have when she drinks. This is how it effects us. When she has a few her attitude really changes. Her moods can swing violently. She gets real frisky and wants to get it on. But if things don't go as planned she gets angry, then starts crying, then starts talking about how bad things are between us. She'll bring up how it's always about me when we have sex. She says as long as I'm pleased then that's all that matters to me. And that's how it's always been. Always. She puts up massive walls and won't budge on her globalized statements.

My problem is, when she gets this way I don't want to be intimate. Not at all. She doesn't care if the kids are there or how loud she gets. It can get a little embarrassing sometimes. One time we were going at it - because, damn it, I better - and our daughter started crying because she didn't know what we were doing. I kept telling my wife to keep it down but she wanted to get louder and stuff. If we're alone, I don't care. Blow out your wind pipes. Go for it. When the kids are in the other room, let's keep it civilized.

If I don't perform to her standards then she'll let me know. We'll fight, she'll cry, everything I worked to fix will come crumbling down and she won't realize what she has done or even think that she did anything wrong. Her actions were justifiable.

So when she started drinking Saturday I knew we were going to have a problem. Then when the party started winding down I brought up the fact that I was tired. "You better not be tired!"

"Crap." I knew what that meant. My butt was on the line. I think I'd rather have several cameras around me with a live audience watching. Heck, even if it was my first time ever with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. The pressure of making sure I do everything she wants to the standard she's expecting and finishing on queue is more than I can handle. Especially when I'm already mentally off because I know what's on the line.

I've tried bringing this up before and she doesn't listen. Her reasoning is, like I said, justifiable. So what if she gets a little frisky if she drinks. What's wrong with that? So what if she expects something out of me. It's always been about me anyway and she deserves something better. Oh no, I'm wrong about the emotional part. It's just that I upset her and that's what gets her angry then crying. And if she wants to have a drink she can. She's old enough to make her own decisions and do what she wants. What's the difference from drinking and/or smoking and/or indulging in coffee? If other drug addicts have vices she can have one too.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2223865 - 02/21/12 10:07 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Today, it seems that she's a bit low. I want to lift her up to make her feel better but not sure how to. I'm trying to approach this relationship the right way. I've backed off a bit and trying to let her make the moves. But today I wish I could do something to make her feel close to me and good about her self.

Any suggestions?

I think she's low because she feels like she hasn't done much the past few days. She hasn't went to the gym, she hasn't worked her NA steps, she hasn't went to a meeting yet. I could be wrong. But it's what I feel.

Also, and I hope it's my problem, it's times like these that I feel like she wants to contact the OM - if she isn't already.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2223895 - 02/21/12 12:02 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
ChuckF Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/03
Posts: 78
Loc: USA
You sound like an empathetic guy, so the heart's in the right place. My first thought is - how are you doing taking care of you? If you're doing well physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc... then you are in a healthy place to love her well. If you're struggling to stay afloat, take some action to get yourself in a better place.

My ears always perk up when I read someone's goal is to "make her feel..." something. We don't have that kind of power, so give yourself some space here. Offering her love, support, and encouragement is healthy. But it is an offer that she may refuse, so don't take it personally. What has felt loving to her in the past? You may want to start there.
_________________________
Divorce Busting Relationship Coach
Call The Divorce Busting Center at 800-664-2435 to schedule a telephone consultation with Chuck - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com

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#2223927 - 02/21/12 01:52 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: ChuckF]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Thank you.

And I agree, I can't make her feel anything. I need to keep that in mind at all times.

As for me, I'm doing OK. My only problem is confidence in myself and learning to change things that don't work. I tend to stick to things far too long. Things become habits quickly and then they become hard to let go of. Right now I'm in a transition period with a few things in my life - one of them is my approach to training. And I hate it. I fear change. It keeps me up at night.

There is a connection to this fear and my lack of confidence. If I change something I have it in my mind that it won't work and I'll fail.

I guess that's about it for me. I'm eating good. I'm sleeping good. I'm still training almost every day. Job's good. Got rid of this cold I had for a while. There are a few things I need to get done around the house however. Those are always on my mind.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2223971 - 02/21/12 04:13 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
ChuckF Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/03
Posts: 78
Loc: USA
It's fairly common to resist change, fearing that I might fail. What if you knew you would fail, even that you HAD to fail, ten times before you got it right. But, after the ten trials your growth was more amazing than you ever dreamed. How would you approach these ten failed attempts? You might dig in, get the trials over with to taste the success!

Remember, change is inevitable, but growth is optional! Go get em!
_________________________
Divorce Busting Relationship Coach
Call The Divorce Busting Center at 800-664-2435 to schedule a telephone consultation with Chuck - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com

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#2224132 - 02/22/12 08:56 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: ChuckF]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
That was motivating. Thank you.

It reminds me of another quote I've read somewhere:
"Remember that one guy who gave up? Neither does anybody else."
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2225062 - 02/26/12 08:13 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
For the past several days there has been tension. I'm told it's just me. But I don't really know.

Yesterday was my first race of the season. I got 5th. In my sport, that's pretty good. But the. Else ration was short lived. My wife was in a horri le mood all day. She was out with the girls shopping and you could here frustration in her voice any time we spoke. Then after we were all home she was sneaking off to drink. I could tell when her demeaner changed and later we her speach changed. She says certain things that I've noticed only when she's feeling the effects of alcohol.

It really. Brought me down. All night I tossed and turned trying to figure out whether or not I can deal with this the rest of my life - her drinking, lying, and talking to someone else behind my back. I'm losing hope and motivation.

If anyone is reading this and. An give me some insight, hope, motivation, whatever, I'd love it. I want to leave her, but I love her. I want her to come to a decision about us, herself, her career, our family, but it's not going to happen if I'm allowing her to do what she wants with a big smile on my face.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2225064 - 02/26/12 08:14 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Sorry about the above mistakes. Typing on an iPhone.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2225103 - 02/26/12 10:57 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
imthemom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 343
Loc: California
tpc...have you ever tried an Al Anon meeting?
_________________________
Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...

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#2225174 - 02/26/12 04:18 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: imthemom]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I've read books and was thinking about joining a group. Right now I can't wiggle one in, but I'm hoping to soon.

My real issue is her depression, guilt, and indecisions. One day she wants to be close and work on us and herself. The. next she wants to be alone or with someone else. We cannot afford a doctors help right now, but she does need it.

I do too. I have so much bottled up tension that I feel like I could explode. I started crying in the shower today. First cry I've had in a while.

I need some hope.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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