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I'm a Male 33 and W 31, we have 2 children daughter 8 and son 5. SIT - my W is ILYBNILWY now after being married for 8 and half years and together for 12. I'm in the last year of my degree, just been made redundant - (which the money has been spent on home improvements & a family vacation booked for June in Florida). I now realise that I haven't been meeting my wife's needs emotionally and physically. I have been so focused on getting a good degree so I can become a teacher, whenever I wasn't studying I was thinking about it and have become distant. This affected everything, being intimate, having meaningful conversations, spending quality time together. Last year in September I took up ballroom dancing to go with my wife, who'd been going for nearly 3 years, so that we could spend time together at least once a week. At first this helped the relationship, but my wife felt that I was being akward and didn't like dancing with her. It wasn't that, I was just pretty bad at it & paranoid about standing on her feet all the time. Anyway, my dance class night changed and we couldn't get a babysitter, so I kept it up on my own & my wife went on her regular night. So this regular social activity ended in January.
My wife has been going out a lot lately partying & not coming home until 5am & this Saturday it was 8am. I know that this is because I haven't been meeting her needs & I'm not suspicious of her cheating on me (I still trust my wife)but I worry about her sick when she's out & stay up until she's home. A fortnight ago we were out dancing for a presentation night & my wife wanted to go out to town after it. i didn't and said that I didn't want to go (selfishly because I didn't want to get in @ 5am and see her waste another Sunday in bed hungover). My W took this as the last straw and said that was it, we didn't have a relationship and she didn't want me anymore. I was devastated, and tried my best to do whatever I could to show my wife how I felt (which I now realise is what we call smothering). On that Saturday night, when she came home @ 8am, which was a week after the dancegate,I was worried about her and tried to have a heart to heart with her. She asked me to leave, but that we won't tell the kids & upset them. So I spent a night on my sister's couch & sneaked back in to get the kids ready for school. My W then said that you can't afford rent for your sister & that I would be better off sleeping on the couch, which is where I've been the past 2 nights. I feel really pathetic, because she's right I can't afford to move out, I don't want to upset the kids and I'm more madly in love with my wife than when we first met & it's burning me inside. I haven't been enjoying life for the moment, but this last week I started to and instead of worrying about not studying when it was half term school holidays - I forgot about it & had a blast with the kids. I loved it!! I wish I'd seen how I've been sooner, because I feel like I've not had any real fun in nearly 3 years and missed out on so much living with my wife and kids. i feel so guilty, because if she felt like how I'm feeling now and has gotten over it, why should she give me another chance?
Tonight she went to bed straight after the kids did, and as soon as it was safe to do so, I cried my eyes out. I can't go on like this, the only thing keeping me going is the unconditional love of my 2 beautiful children and the hope that my beautiful wife, gives me another chance.
I'm really sorry for such a long 1st post, but has anyone got any advice for me please?


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.
You need to learn about Detachment
You need to give her SPACE
And not beg, plead or pursue
Get out and GAL.
But remain true to your marriage vows.
Be the BEST DAD that you can BE.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


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^^^^


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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coming home at 5 and 8am and not suspicious of her cheating?

think again...


M44 H41
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3 older teens
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EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
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^^^^^


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: luvless
coming home at 5 and 8am and not suspicious of her cheating?

think again...


It's actually quite possible. Given their ages and where they live, the party scene is huge there. There are a plethora of clubs that stay open to the wee hours. Dancing all night is something I used to do on the regular myself, no sex involved.


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Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
I now realise that I haven't been meeting my wife's needs emotionally and physically. I have been so focused on getting a good degree so I can become a teacher, whenever I wasn't studying I was thinking about it and have become distant. This affected everything, being intimate, having meaningful conversations, spending quality time together.


Have you noticed some of the things she has said over the past years or months that would have led up to this? Did she give you any warnings that she was unhappy?

Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
My wife has been going out a lot lately partying & not coming home until 5am & this Saturday it was 8am. I know that this is because I haven't been meeting her needs & I'm not suspicious of her cheating on me (I still trust my wife)but I worry about her sick when she's out & stay up until she's home.


Do not fall into the trap of beleiving that her doing this is justified or mildly justified just because you have not or supposedly have not been meeting her needs. Certainly it may be a result of it. And you can't stop her. But do not for a moment think "well, I had this coming."

You may have had your head in a different place than the relationship for a few years here with your studies but you DID NOT have it figuratively up where the sun don't shine. You were trying to do what you thought was best for yourself and your family, which is quite honorable. Unfortunately, you are finding that sometimes relationships start to wilt even when you think you are doing the right thing. I will actually ask you a repeat question, kind of like the first questons I had: Did your W say anything about you being distant? Complaints?

Originally Posted By: breakingdownbill
A fortnight ago we were out dancing for a presentation night & my wife wanted to go out to town after it. i didn't and said that I didn't want to go (selfishly because I didn't want to get in @ 5am and see her waste another Sunday in bed hungover).


I can't tell if you are being facetious here or not, but if not, why do you feel that was selfish?

Originally Posted By: breakingdownbill
So I spent a night on my sister's couch & sneaked back in to get the kids ready for school. My W then said that you can't afford rent for your sister & that I would be better off sleeping on the couch, which is where I've been the past 2 nights. I feel really pathetic, because she's right I can't afford to move out,


There's a lot of different posters on this board and you will hear a lot of different takes on things, but what seems to be one of the few constants is that YOU should not be moving anyplace. If she is that unhappy, she can move. I would flat out tell her something like: "Ok, I went to my sister's one night and have been sleeping on the couch for awhile, but I'm not going to do that anymore. This is my bed and my bedroom as much as it is yours, I'm not sleeping anywhere else." You can't afford to move out, so don't. Don't feel pathetic about it...most people can't afford it.

Originally Posted By: breakingdownbill
i feel so guilty, because if she felt like how I'm feeling now and has gotten over it, why should she give me another chance?


Personally, I don't see any reason to feel guilty. You are 33, not 83. You weren't emotionally absent for a whole lifetime. Sometimes in life one has to take a short term loss for a long term gain. That doesn't at all mean you couldn't have balanced your time and engagement to the details of your family better, I'm sure you could have done a lot better in retrospect. But guilt is useless right now, because you're looking in the rear view mirror. Make up for lost time with your kids immediately-it's not too late with them. Please do not beat yourself up.

You ask why would she give you another chance? I think you need to be careful that you are not mind reading here or putting thoughts in her head that may not be there. You don't know how she might ultimately react if you are able to truly follow the DB principles and the 37 rules. If you have not seen the 37 rules, do a search on this site and follow them religiously. You don't know that she wouldn't, or even felt the same as you do now, so I wouldn't let that thought dominate your thoughts.

Originally Posted By: breakingdownbill
Tonight she went to bed straight after the kids did, and as soon as it was safe to do so, I cried my eyes out. I can't go on like this, the only thing keeping me going is the unconditional love of my 2 beautiful children and the hope that my beautiful wife, gives me another chance.


2 things: I think you needed to get a good cry out and I am glad you realize it is only ok to do so when it "is safe". At the risk of sounding like you should always have to be macho, crying around her really would be bad. Looks unattractive and weak.

Also, consider this: You hope she will give you another chance. What if she doesn't? Let's pretend it all ended tomorrow. Would you live your days in despair, or would you pick up the pieces and be strong? Would you live your life for YOU and your kids, and be the man and dad you want to be from thereon? I hope you would.

Now, stop pretending as mentioned above. Look at the situation on hand. You are living your days in a state of despair right now. Instead of that, you need to pick up the shattered feelings you have right now and do something about them, for YOU. Be the man YOU want to be, not the man who stays hung up on feeling guilty.

You can turn the page. Not to get your wife to stop anything or to give you another chance. But to improve yourself and to get out of this despair. The hope is that your wife would utlimately notice this, and realize she is making a wrong choice, for HER. But you'd want to do this anyway for YOU, regardless of what she chooses to do.

Right now is a very hard time Bill. Feels like all the wheels are coming off. But you will make it through this.

I wish you well.


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Divorced 8/10
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as coparents since 8/10
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Thanks everyone - here is where I'm up to I double posted sorry...
I'm sorry I haven't been back on here for a while & didn't think my last thread worked. I'm at a different place now I was trying miserably at the 37 steps & what finally got through to her was a full on dressing down to - I ran the riot act at her & said I was leaving regardless of what she wanted and packed a bag. She cracked & brokedown and when she started to open up to me she said she believed I still loved her & wasn't just saying these things, because I had faught for her and she could see in my eyes I meant every word of it. We made up and had the best sex of my life. I was so happy, I'd been given another chance and I was gonna take it and make her feel like the only woman in the world. Then hours later she confessed to having an affair with her dance partner. She says that they haven't slept together - only kissed and fooled around - but on that other post when she came in @ 8am she had gone back to his place. I was so mixed up emotionally, on the one hand I was on cloud 9 so happy & then this which I should have worked out really. She said that she had called him & told him it was over & delted his number from her phone & all the text messages and said that she would stop going dancing altogether. I forgave her and we went back to bed and made love twice and I had never felt closer to her. Today it sunk in what she had done and I don't hate her, I just hate what she's done. I've booked myself in for some counselling to try & deal with the trust issue. I asked her to show me any text messages he sends before she deletes them, which today she did & deleted without responding to it. It's going to be hard, she feels so guilty and rightly so!! I want it to work so bad & have forgiven her. I'm happy but it's tinged with the thought of another man touching my wife. I know I can get over it, I just hope she can cope with the guilt & not run away from this.


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
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Thank you so much for the advice Grocerykartman and Luvless you were right about the 8am coming home after being out.
I'm conscious about leaving a long post so I'll just say that after a row on Sunday when I put her in her place about how she was acting & said I was leaving - she broke down. I fought for her and told her how much I wanted to be with her & broke most of the 37 rules. We made up & made love (unbelievable-best ever).
**(will continue on next post)


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
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continued..
later she told me about OM her dance partner & that she had got close to him & kissed & she was with him on that night when she came in @ 8am. She is adamant that they never slept together & that it is now over - she ended it & deleted his text messages , number & has quit dancing. I forgave her and we went back to bed & made love - I've got all the questions I needed to ask answered & I am moving on and moving forward with our Marriage.
**(will continue)


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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