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People keep preaching patience, patience, patience, right? That time is on our side. The good thing in your sitch is that you H is open to MC...you saw the DB coach together, and he's receptive to the suggestions. That's awesome! You're already taking steps in the right directions!

Sorry you find yourself in the "there's an OW/OM" group frown I'm dealing with OW at work thing as well. Even though I feel like I'm more at peace with the sitch as a whole, OW is a big trigger for me and I'm at risk for backsliding. I'm working on keeping my mouth shut, but I admit that I've had a couple of blow ups at H where I couldn't stop myself from saying what was bothering me. I do believe that the first big blow up got the balls rolling for H...hopefully for the better.

It sounds like you're doing well. Just keep remembering that this is the time to work on yourself. Be the best H&P you can be - I noticed you changed your name smile


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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hoping, your h and mine have that stubborn, once they make the decision in common. But it is good he's willing to do counseling. Mine wouldn't even consider.

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I know this whole patience thing is driving ne nuts. It is good that he is goinng to db but our coach says hes still trying to decide if there's enough in the marriage to save. I just want him to open up and start saving.

I don't know why my h is going to db because part of me thinks hes just doing to say 'he tried'. I told him though that if you're not really into figuring out what went wrong in our marriage and in life then you're wasting our time. He said he knew and that he has to figure this out but who knows. I just don't understand the immediate detachment from me and not wanting to talk to anyone.

His bray wa yesterday and only four Pol tested him...that would have sunk in for me that I need to get my life in order.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Originally Posted By: hopingandpraying
I know this whole patience thing is driving ne nuts. It is good that he is goinng to db but our coach says hes still trying to decide if there's enough in the marriage to save. I just want him to open up and start saving.


This is where what you're doing is going to help him WANT to start saving the M. Leave him be and put your focus on YOU. You do not want to rush him because all it will do is force him to give you an answer that you don't want. You really are at one of the hardest parts right now.

You're right, it is a very hard thing for the LBS to understand. But after looking back I can see how the separation and detachment of the other S has to happen. It gives both of you much needed reflection time that might otherwise not happen if you stay together. A separation can be powerful because it forces you to learn and grow and therefore, hopefully come back to one another as more mature and understanding individuals. Your minds can be cleared and there is more room for change to happen.

It sounds like your H has a lot of working on himself to do. Allow him to do that. He internally isn't happy in general and he will continue that way if he doesn't figure this out for himself. He may need to hit rock bottom... IDK. I do know that for me with my depression that was definitely the case.

I have never had so much motivation to be a better person in my life. And I never had so many answers to things that I've been struggling with because I'm now seeking them out. Whereas before I was pretty dormant. I hope this helps.

Obviously, I'm just speaking from my experience so take from it what you want. But I see a lot of myself in you and I wish I had the guidance early on so that I wouldn't have made so many mistakes because of my own impatience. I am very lucky that my H is still giving me another chance after all the begging and pleading and arguing I did with him.

Remember that he is not thinking clearly right now and this is allowing him to get his thoughts together.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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jks, ^^^^ great post.


M: 48 W:49
M:16 T:19
No kids
Distancing last 18 months
I have no feelings for you (we should separate): Feb 24/12
Me voluntarily moving out: Apr 1/12 (Fool's Day!)
Joined: Feb 2012
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JKS--

Thank you for your post! I backslid a little today (ugghhhh). I went and spent time with his family because both of his parents' birthdays are this weekend, so I brought over cards and cheesecake. I stayed and talked to them for a llloooong time. It was great catching up with them.

Then, when I left I called my H...he did pick up! I called to let him know that I was just leaving his parents' house and that we had a good visit and that there was leftover cheesecake there if he wanted to pick up some when he was going to be there this coming week. He said okay thanks. I asked him a little about work and then said "Well since I have you on the phone, when are you letting the dog out this week?" He gave me the days and I said "Great, thanks!" This is where I should have ended the conver.

I also said "I'm available Monday and Wednesday night for our dates this week, so do you want to meet for dinner or drinks Monday night." He said "I'll let you know." I, then said "I'm not understanding why you can't make this commitment to have a simple dinner with me." He said "I'm making the commitment to tell you I'll let you know." I, then, said "Okay, have a good night and I'll talk to you soon."

I know I should have just left it when he said "I'll let you know," but it was hard for me to control my emotions there. I, think, that if he doesn't go to dinner with me this week and texts me with a no, then I'm not even going to respond to him at all. He's giving me ALL the signs that he doesn't want to be with me....why am I sticking around!??!?!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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HAP,

I'm not sure what part you're referring to as the backslide but I think it started when you went to his parents. As hard as it is, you really need to give him his space, and let him have his safe places without you. Give him time to collect himself. As many people have said, Getting A Life is one of the best things you can do right now. It not only distracts you from your sitch, but brings happiness to your life in an otherwise crappy time.

Stay patient. It's an awful time in your life. Believe me, I've been there for 6 months and am only now MAYBE moving to the next step. GAL, give him space, GAL, give him space, GAL. Can't stress that enough. Be the person he'd be a fool to leave. It took my W thinking I was moving on to even be interested in figuring things out (or at least i think).

Hang in there. Stay positive. It will get easier.


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
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Originally Posted By: hopingandpraying

I know I should have just left it when he said "I'll let you know," but it was hard for me to control my emotions there. I, think, that if he doesn't go to dinner with me this week and texts me with a no, then I'm not even going to respond to him at all. He's giving me ALL the signs that he doesn't want to be with me....why am I sticking around!??!?!


Ah girl... it's ok. Nothing to get upset about. Honestly, I was soooo much worse. Crying and asking every question I could think of.

This is why it's soooo much better to just stop the interactions for now. You are too emotional over everything that's going on that you're like a ticking time bomb that's waiting to go off any moment he says something you don't want to hear. It can be very deadly for your R.

It seems hard to be away from him NOW, but eventually it won't. And then you can be around him without feeling like you have all these questions that need to be answered RIGHT NOW!! You can just enjoy seeing him and know that you're ok. YOU ARE OK!!

It will take time for you, girl. I know it will. And I know it doesn't seem possible but when you get there you will have an inner peace that life is going to be fine.

For now, resist that temptation. I cannot even tell you how many times I would write a text to my H and just stare at it for 10 min deciding whether or not to send it. (In the beginning I didn't care... I sent him whatever I was thinking... it was bad!)

But my thoughts kept going to, is this going to push him away? And every time the answer was yes. So I quit that behavior. It took some time and now I don't even have the desire to go there. It would just erase all the hard work I've already put into this. Am I making sense?


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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You have barely been into this a month. Give yourself some time. You will do and feel better. I know, hard to believe. But with the help you can get from here, it's amazing. Thanks for your post.

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I'm trying to give this time and myself time, but I do have such high expectations for myself that I should be better now and moving on with things better. I'm not sure how long I can endure the 'pushing away' and lack of response from my H. I feel like he's going to continue to push away until I finally break.

The thing that gets me is that he agreed to seeing each other once to twice a week and now he's backing down on it. He works nights, so it's not like we have many options to get together anyways.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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