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#2224874 - 02/25/12 09:47 AM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: barely floating]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
So glad you decided to 'sleep on it' before sending the letter. I also think that anything which is intended to *make* him feel anything, or if you're hoping to get a reaction from him- should be held back. At least you got your feelings out of your head and onto paper, that always makes me feel better!

Sounds like your H is enjoying being around his family again.... Another positive step in the right direction. My only warning- b/c I struggle with this- is to not get attached again. Don't have any expectations that this will last and that it means anything. Everytime my H gets comfortable for a few days, I find myself getting hooked again- and it's that much more hurtful when he goes back away.

You have proven that you are stronger than me in that sense, and you've even started to move on... Funny that after you mentally accept to 'move on' he starts coming around more. I wonder if you give off a vibe that lets him know what your intentions are?
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2224880 - 02/25/12 10:02 AM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: purgatory]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Seems like lots of baby steps, but we want it all and we want it NOW!

Let him move through this in his own way, if you can.

Remember it's like getting a squirrel to eat out of your hand, any sudden movements will scare it away.

Good luck and have a great weekend.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2224917 - 02/25/12 12:14 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Wow. Retrouvaille. I heard about this from 25. If you're both going to that then you must feel optimistic about that, right? Maybe I'm missing something in your story though. He will go to that but then has a lawyer work on D stuff?

As far as the lawyer moving slow, doesn't he get paid by the hour?

I forgot about the Oscars. Maybe, I'll check it out too. No football now, so might as well see where all my movie money went.

((((barely banana))))

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#2224921 - 02/25/12 12:24 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: purgatory
So glad you decided to 'sleep on it' before sending the letter. I also think that anything which is intended to *make* him feel anything, or if you're hoping to get a reaction from him- should be held back. At least you got your feelings out of your head and onto paper, that always makes me feel better!

Sounds like your H is enjoying being around his family again.... Another positive step in the right direction. My only warning- b/c I struggle with this- is to not get attached again. Don't have any expectations that this will last and that it means anything. Everytime my H gets comfortable for a few days, I find myself getting hooked again- and it's that much more hurtful when he goes back away.

You have proven that you are stronger than me in that sense, and you've even started to move on... Funny that after you mentally accept to 'move on' he starts coming around more. I wonder if you give off a vibe that lets him know what your intentions are?



Purg - your comments are so dead on. I find it very hard to not get attached when our M and family seem to be like a real M and family and its' very draining pretending I'm happy when that happens because I have to keep so much crazy BS stuff inside when we're together. Acting "as if" is very tiring. That should be an Oscar category for tomorrow night!

I will say it's true that when you start to move on, the WAS definitely picks up the vibe and starts working back towards us. I see this at home for me too and I think my sitch is very much like barely's.

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#2224923 - 02/25/12 12:25 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: labug
Seems like lots of baby steps, but we want it all and we want it NOW!

Let him move through this in his own way, if you can.

Remember it's like getting a squirrel to eat out of your hand, any sudden movements will scare it away.

Good luck and have a great weekend.


Squirrels piss me off, esp living with one!

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#2224934 - 02/25/12 01:12 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: rickb89]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1756
I think a DB coach would say look at the small positives and keep track of them. WAS do so many conflicting things. Keep your eyes on the steps he makes back towards the family and see if you can figure out what made him take the step towards vs. away. Why do you think he felt comfortable hanging out around the house the other day? Maybe he knew you would mention the R. Keep doing what works
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2224981 - 02/25/12 06:34 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: BklynMom]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
rick - the lawyer wasn't for D stuff. it was to renew our mortgage terms with the bank. smile yes, we were joking about lawyers getting paid by the hour. H kept looking at me and laughing.

as for retrouvaille, can't really say i'm optimistic. i am happy he is willing to go. but i'm really focusing on having no expectations since he really hasn't brought up any R talks or shown anything towards me. so i guess i will just say that i hope it helps with our communication and that we both go in with an open mind and an open heart.

sounds like a lot of us are doing the same thing today. NOTHING! smile plans fell through and so kids and i are at home watching movies. it's finally sunny but incredibly windy!! but thinking maybe we should brave it and take a walk out to get the kids a donut. might be nice to get them outside rather than be kooked up indoors all day. it's actually quite nice to enjoy a leisurely day once in a while.

i'm sleepy. i think what would be really nice is taking a nap w/ the sun filtering through. there's something about those naps that seem so luxurious. oh i wish!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2225022 - 02/25/12 11:14 PM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
From what i read about retrouvaille it sounds like it is very successful. I mean, how could any couple not be forced to discuss issues in such an environment?

Hope you enjoyed the movies today and your catnap.

Actually did some work today...replaced all exterior light fixtures...and paid all the bills. Hung out with sons and their gf's. BTW...their not "crazy" (barely's description)....just full of life like Dad...ha ha.

Time to go to sleep...

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#2225112 - 02/26/12 11:25 AM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: rickb89]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
Wow! I am being blessed by the small things in life! smile. My D finally fell asleep so I took her upstairs for a nap. I laid down with her and then S decided to cuddle up and nap too! So whatdja know? All 3 of us had an afternoon nap w/ the sun filtering through the window!

I did a lot of thinking last night.. Wondering.. If I met H today, would I still want to be with him. Knowing how much he hurt me.. Knowing he chose to not be with the kids and I.. It's kind of a scary thought and I guess time will tell.

Wow! Really! Too much thinking this early in the morning. I have already built a little fort which the kids and I are hiding in.

Anyway, watched 2 movies last night. The black woman.. Creepy. I watched most of it under a blanket listening to my mom's running commentaries. And then when she left I watched tower heist. Btw.. So not a good movie. I wanted to laugh and unfortunately there wasn't much to laugh about. Should have watched wedding crashers or bridesmaids. smile

Oscars are today! And some of the nominees are...

Bklyn - best actress in a dramatic role
purg - best actress in a comedy (for some reason I see purg as a comedian)
Rick, 2tp - best supporting male actor
25 - best director

who else?? Hmmmm

I will be in the best cinematography category. Someone has to win for that. Might as well be me!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2225113 - 02/26/12 11:35 AM Re: Waiting for the tides to change - 3 [Re: barely floating]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Thanks for making me a comedian smile I'll work on my acceptance speech.

You win for best supporting actress- you always have encouraging words and uplifting insights! You are a great friend to us here on the boards, an I imagine to your 'real' friends too.

Like you said on my post, we all seem to be questioning our desire to keep up the 'fight'. And questioning if our spouse is really the one we want to fight for... Glad to know that I'm not the only one thinking about this. (and yes, it is too much thinking at 7am!)

Btw: search DB Buddies on FB smile
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

Top
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