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BF, my W went so far as to tell me about us getting separate condo's in the same complex at some future point so the kids could easily get back and forth to each of our homes to lessen the impact of a D on them.

That was well over a year ago and she's still in our house and has made not steps to become financially independant. So yes, the WAS thinks about A LOT of things but it doesn't mean they'll see them through. Heck, I've thought about plenty of future scenarios without my W, but it doesn't mean I want them.

Hope you have a good day. Playing "tourist" sounds like fun!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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You can add that icon when you are posting. So I just gave you a thumbs up, lets see what happens now? but my guess is that you are not in any trouble here, your marriage may be a different story...... smile smile smile


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Originally Posted By: barely floating
i am in agreement w/ everyone here. not ready to date! i am not "done" w/ my M and really, just don't need the extra complications. and if things were to work out w/ H, would i be able to forgive myself if i had started a new R? i don't know so it's just better not to go there.

rick - you're right! i don't think we're meant to be alone forever smile right now, it feels ok. but i am amazing and beautiful dammit! and incredibly modest and humble too right wink?

You are all that...ha ha

i had a teary moment today. asked H what he was going to do w/ his mom's night tables that were in the back of the car (she had left them when she moved to WI). he said he would eventually use them. made me teary that he has thought through that far. but i didn't let H see. and then i said to myself.. i am going to create a great life for myself and my kids w/ or w/out him. he will be missing out.

Sorry you had to deal with that...you are right that you will have a great life, and the kids too

gf and i watched "what's your number". sort of romantic comedy but not sappy. actually not that great of a movie but, at least i can say i've watched it smile unfortunately ate the same dinner of carrot sticks, doritos and diet coke. and now i feel even sicker (training for the Olympics i see). don't worry.. i ate that after the kids went to bed! i fed them a proper dinner. lol.

H ended up txting me asking if i could forward some info from our joint email to his hotmail because he had tried to forward and it didn't work (not sure why he couldn't have just done it himself.. not as though you can't access that email anywhere). anyway, told me it was more complicated than he thought to get this license he wanted. i responded.. "oh. hope you get what you want". to which he said "thank you. i don't know that that is yet but thank you". it's all very weird and awkward.

physio.. work.. planning a fun weekend for my kids! i think we'll play tourist or something. go on a little adventure! and then the oscars on sunday. how many of you are up for a nomination??


Have fun barely!

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Hi Barely...hope you and kids doing well today. Just wanted to say hi.

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have been off the boards for a couple of days because my gf was in town. she was supposed to be here until tomorrow evening but had to leave suddenly. was going to try and post earlier today (when everything was ok).. i didn't get a chance to and know when i do.. everything has gone decidedly downhill! ugh. i'm so aggravated!

well.. heard from H on both tues and wed which is unusual as he hasn't been contacting me really for a long while. i really didn't expect to hear from him so soon also because he just had the kids over the weekend. anyway, weird interaction.. i sent H a photo of kids yesterday (we had been txting about making appt w/ lawyer for bank paperwork) to which he said D looked like me in that photo. i replied, hopefully that's a good thing. H said, he meant it as a good thing and i just said thanks. didn't hear from him after that. wasn't surprised because i figured he was retreating about 5 steps back from that 1 step forward of being positive towards me.

i wrote H an email last night asking if he could take S to school next tues since i had to work in the am (usually i trade off for nights but couldn't for this shift due to my injury) and i would pick up S from school. i started email by saying.. i hate to ask you but.. in email i also asked if i could keep kids one of the fridays in march because it is family movie night and wanted to take the kids (i asked because it would be his weekend w/ them). last thing i said was that their was lego exhibit showing and could he take kids (because S is obsessed and would love it) otherwise i would make a plan to take them (quite expensive to go and H has pass for free admission from his work for himself and guest).

his response upset me so much!! H said he was sorry that i hated to ask him (favours) and wanted me to know that he would always help. wanted to discuss later on about taking S to school regularly. was fine w/ me taking kids to movie night but would i mind if he came (because he knew i was still in a dark place when it comes to us) but he wanted to be there for the kids. as for the lego exhibit.. happy to take them and again, if i wanted to come along, there was no reason we can't all go together. he ended email by saying he wanted to be as empathetic as possible.

i am so mad!!! why couldn't he have taken more responsibility in things like taking S to school when he was here? it was always.. i can never guarantee if i'll get off work on time etc. also.. one of his complaints was he felt obligated to come home sometimes because there were days when he wanted to go out after work. what the heck?? as for my "dark place" what the heck would he know about it?? we haven't had a real conversation in a very long time. and i'm so upset because it isn't about him and i.. it's about my kids. and.. gee thanks.. if i want to come along to lego exhibit... i don't know what he expects from me? i am beyond frustrated.

ranting. composing my response right now. ugh!!


Me:38.. H:33.
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Hey BF! Just dropping by to say hello! Reading through your post and not being totally up on your sitch, it seems like there were some positives in your recent interactions with you H.

Try to take a step back and look at this as objectively as possible. Are there positive signs that you can identify? If so, let that be your focus as you contemplate your response.

Breathe!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
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Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Hey BF, Just to echo 2' comments above. Hope you can find some positives.

After reading the books and reading posts on this board, I understand (at least a little better) your frustation with H only now showing behaviors/actions you wanted him to show much earlier on. Why would it take all this crap to finally make it happen. It is absolutely frustrating.

So here's my "guy perspective". He's doing these things now. He's showing effort. He may even have realized at a much deeper level the importance of things you've tried to get through to him for years. (but he is a guy so don't expect him to admit it anytime soon) What response from you will get you to your goal?

Your frustration is absolutely valid. I'm not saying it isn't. Just wanted to give a perspective. And I'll admit my perspective is probably skewed by my own sitch so take it with a grain of salt.

Take care and focus on what it is you want to accomplish ((BF))


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
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Peace and love Banana....sorry you are going through so much emotional pain.

The only thing I can add is that working this out is going to take a lot of time, and the daily details will probably continue to frustrate you. Don't forget you have control of your life, to choose to work on your M, or work towards a new life.

Either way you deserve to be fulfilled, and your kids deserve that too.

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Totally understand your frustrations, and they are valid!

{I'm going to play devils advocate fora second, please don't get too made with me, it's done out of love}

re-read this quote from ces:
Originally Posted By: ces67

After reading the books and reading posts on this board, I understand (at least a little better) your frustation with H only now showing behaviors/actions you wanted him to show much earlier on. Why would it take all this crap to finally make it happen. It is absolutely frustrating.


Isn't this what the WAS says to *us*?? They get so upset that we could take their requests seriously in the M and why did they have to leave for us to change....

But if you can float above the anger for a second, I think his change in actions is a positive thing. In the same way that it took him leaving you for you to look inwards and make some changes... I think it did for him too. You're task now is not to point it out to him, don't vilify him for only getting involved after he left. How would you feel if every time you did [any action that is 180 for you] that instead of appreciating it, he would throw it back in your face? Take his efforts at face value and hopefully with your encouragement (or lack of expressing frustration to him) he will continue to get involved... and that is always a good thing.

Ok, now back to me focusing on you.... I think your H is an idiot for not seeing what an amazing woman and mother you are!! You will ALWAYS be the one that got away if he doesn't ever turn around... and I imagine that will be his greatest regret. You have every reason to be frustrated with his 'casual' response, I am fully aware of the range of emotions that you have to go through every time they 'change the rules'.

I really hope I didn't offend, I care about *you*, not him. I'm not defending anything he's done or said.... I simply saw something different in his email, and wanted to share.

Hugs for you!!!!


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
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it's been a weird week! ok.. so i wrote a letter.. read it.. then went to bed. did not send it!! and when i woke up in the morning, i felt differently. and reading all your comments really solidified for me that i made the right choice.

2thepoint, ces, rick, purg.. you are all right!! there were some major positives and i only focused on the negatives. and my letter, although i felt every word.. had i sent it, what would it have accomplished? it was me trying to voice my frustration and why he couldn't just see my point. and would i have felt better? no. probably worse. that i had hurt him and tried to make him feel guilty. and would that have made him magically change his mind? no. i chose not to do anything.

ok.. back to the weird week...

so today H txts me asking what time he should come get the kids (because he was taking them to lego exhibit). i answered.. don't we have an appt w/ the lawyer at 1000? he completely forgot about it (and he was the one that set it up). anyway, he shows up and we sort of had a laugh when the lawyer was here. i swear.. i have never seen a lawyer move so slow. smile in his defense he had injured his writing hand and looked close to retirement.

i had intended on keeping D with me but she freaked out when we were in the car and she didn't see S and H. so he ended up taking both. i wanted to go but had errands to run before weekend. on my way home, i picked up lunch for all of us. when they got home, H looked like he wasn't sure what to do. I said he could take his lunch with him if he wanted but he asked if i minded if he stayed to eat here. i didn't mind.

after lunch, H seemed to be lingering. i spent some time sitting by the window seat cuddling w/ D and S and reading stories. i thought H would leave but he sat down on the couch and then fell asleep.

he didn't leave until 8pm! weird! he finally woke up (because i put on jurassic park to watch w/ S). he lingered.. watched parts of the movie.. played w/ kids.. sat on computer to look at finances.. he just hung around!

i was ok with it because it didn't make me sad or anything. rather it made me think.. this is our life (the kids and i) and this is what you're missing. the kids enjoyed the extra time w/ him and i figured, can't hurt to have some positive interactions to replace some of the recent negative ones. it's just baffling.

retrouvaille is coming up soon. i'm a little nervous. i haven't mentioned again to H but gave him receipt today (for deposit) because he's been keeping track of expenses. he didn't mention not going so i'm assuming it's still on.

my GAL for this weekend.. spending time w/ my babies tomorrow. maybe take them to a movie? then gf going to come for a visit. yay! and then sunday we will have people over for an oscar party. actually, none of us really watch the oscars.. just an excuse to get together and have the kids play together too.

it's getting late. i'm rambling. just wanted to rant a bit and update my sitch.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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