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#2223087 - 02/17/12 05:04 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: kolja]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Originally Posted By: kolja
As an aside, speedo also makes less revealing trunks. The ones I burn laps with are more like bike shorts - streamlined, but much more modest. Yet one must be careful how one describes it, lest one's coworkers come to the conclusion that one wears a speedo...


I totally had a pair of swim-trunks that were "speedo brand" in college. They were normal, baggy swim trunks that came to mid-thigh. But when I called my girlfriend (now my W) and told her I'd got me some speedo's, she freaked out and I couldn't understand why.... laugh
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2223236 - 02/18/12 01:04 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: ces67]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
oh yes.. the less revealing ones are actually kind of hot! lol. but when you say speedo.. it does make the mind immediately jump to those skimpy ones that you see european men wearing. so not hot. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2223257 - 02/18/12 03:17 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
I was once at an elementary school outdoor event with my sons and there was this guy walking around with only a speedo (the euro kind), nothing else. It was horrifying!

Then, there's my oldest son's former roomate's dad who jogs around our town in only a speedo, and does strecthes by the side of the road. It's so puke inducing!

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#2223261 - 02/18/12 03:50 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
The more I focus on my life, the less I focus on my W, the stronger I feel.

I feel like I'm coming out of this fog. I keep feeling amazed that I have been putting up with so much and am feeling good about the lessons I learned about myself. I feel like I will be so much more fulfilled in my life going forward.

I am starting to look forward to so much new opportunity in my life.

Last night I took my S13 out for dinner and then we went home and watched "Killer Elite". Just what was needed to get my mind off of a blown up M, a violent guy and spy movie. My two older sons and girlfriends made guest appearances so it was a great night. My S21 and his girlfriend (also 21) live with us too. She's lived with us since she was about 14 (her parents split and moved and she stayed with us so she could remain in the school system). She is the closest thing I have ever had to a daughter (I grew up with all guys, and I have all sons). We spend a lot of time together, she's in yoga with us too, so in a way I have some meaningful female companionship, which I miss.

Today I took an intense yoga challenge. I go to Bikram and the classes are 90 minutes in 110+ degree heat and 40%+ humidity. I did two successive back to back classes. The first class went well. The second class I survived but I was pretty dishragged out, and cramping up like crazy.

I guess one thing I have to get used to is thinking in terms of myself as "not married". Its a weird mindset for me. I've been a partner with her for 25 years and she detached from me. So now i am thinking about how I will live with my newfound understanding of myself, and with a brand new set of self awareness tools.

I don't know what this means. I see my W, I listen to her and interact with her, but I am not barely as tied to her as I was. A life without her is becoming something I can think about and at least know that I will have a great life going forward. I also know or suspect that I will have moments where I backslide into despair about it, but I do feel pretty good today FWIW.

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#2223271 - 02/18/12 04:25 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
What do you guys think about this sitch? You all know I have been the one in the M right now who is doing all the planning, the family events, the date nights, the cheerleading, etc.

I won't do it anymore. She just stopped by to see me before she heads out. Usually, as it is the weekend, I would be full of plans and ideas for us to do. I won't do it anymore. She can show me if she's ready to share a life with me. Let her suggest the plans. I know she met her friend this morning to go over some work ideas. Normally I would ask her how it went and do my best to be the rah rah guy for her. I'm not gonna ask anymore. I just spent a year by myself and was never asked once how my life is.

Also, I can see she's sick, run down and hurting. I'm not going to be the nursemaid for her as i normally would have been. I'm not making this decison to go in a new direction because I want to match her point for point. I am taking my life back and not letting her drag me down anymore. I know she's going to turn this all around and say I'm not trying, that I don't care anymore, that this is proof of why we shouldn't be together, that this is proof we can't communicate.

The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.

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#2223376 - 02/19/12 02:31 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
Originally Posted By: rickb89
The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.


((((((rick))))))

It sounds to me like your latest decision has been "brewing" for some time now and you are taking control of your life and letting go.

Good for you!

PS - are you sure you want to do this w/o your speedos? smile
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2223381 - 02/19/12 03:33 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: keep_going]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
uh... i hope sans speedo isn't a code word for commando.

((((( rick )))))

wow. when you talked about thinking of yourself as not married.. i have been thinking about that too. it's such a strange space because.. yes i am still married.. but it's not a M. and where do i go from here?

it seems like a lot of us are at a crossroad this weekend. lots of things happening and we all seem to be questioning what happens next.

it is possible to love and care about W while moving forward w/ your life. i know you will find that balance.

you are pretty awesome.. with or without those d#mn speedos!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2223391 - 02/19/12 08:32 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8384
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.
I think you're reaching DB nirvana, Dude!

I wish you well.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2223396 - 02/19/12 09:04 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: rickb89
What do you guys think about this sitch? You all know I have been the one in the M right now who is doing all the planning, the family events, the date nights, the cheerleading, etc.

I won't do it anymore. She just stopped by to see me before she heads out. Usually, as it is the weekend, I would be full of plans and ideas for us to do. I won't do it anymore. She can show me if she's ready to share a life with me. Let her suggest the plans. I know she met her friend this morning to go over some work ideas. Normally I would ask her how it went and do my best to be the rah rah guy for her. I'm not gonna ask anymore. I just spent a year by myself and was never asked once how my life is.

Also, I can see she's sick, run down and hurting. I'm not going to be the nursemaid for her as i normally would have been. I'm not making this decison to go in a new direction because I want to match her point for point. I am taking my life back and not letting her drag me down anymore. I know she's going to turn this all around and say I'm not trying, that I don't care anymore, that this is proof of why we shouldn't be together, that this is proof we can't communicate.

The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.


Rick - I think each of us has a breaking point. The point where we each say, ENOUGH! You have a unique sitch. Your W hasn't completely bailed on you, emotionally she has, but her physical presence seems to provide some glimmer of hope that she will eventually come around.

But, there is a limit or at least there should be a limit to how long one should endure a loveless relationship before moving on. It seems t me that you are now at the point and I think it is ok. You've waited a very long time. You've put in the time and energy with no real sense that your effort s being reciprocated.

I think its time for you to step out on that world stage and let everyone see the new and improved you.

I've always felt like we all have to take the last step, the one that says we are moving on, for our WAS to realize it is game time. Sh!t or get off the pot, IYKWIM. For some it happens in a matter of weeks or months. Others it is considerably longer.

You'll know when the time is right and it seems like that time for you is now.

Go embrace your future, Rick!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2223397 - 02/19/12 09:06 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Oh, and don't forget your speedos. Unless you are going to some nudist colony. wink
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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