Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

Hi folks,

I'll start my second thread by saying "those don't listen have to feel". For any newbies that stumble upon this, don't be like me, stick to the DB principles and listen to the advice provided by all the kind people here and save yourself much unnecessary grief. When you have the urge to "think", grab the 37 steps and read them again, I wish I had... Here is my first thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214349#Post2214349

There had been some positive strives in my sitch up to Valentine's day, and then I made a mistake by sending my W and emotionally charged photo via text that set her off. I haven't communicated with her since. As such it has been a week, and that is a new personal "best" for me, in terms of trying to follow the 37 steps and LRT. I will logging any significant positive or negative changes and significant thoughts here.

Good Luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[BFloat]

Looks like you may be starting to "get" it. I knew you had it in you. Keep moving forward. Wish you the best.

[Broken74]

Thanks barely, it takes a lot of beating but eventually I'll get almost anything... lol I greatly appreciate the kind words! :-)

I have to take a second to give Cheryl at the DB center a quick plug. Just had my first call with her and feel a lot better about things as a result. Obviously I am keeping down the detachment road and continue to GAL, with a side of letting go of the past (which is a huge hurdle for me to conquer, thanks also to 25yearsmlc for your advice on this).

In short, if you haven't had the opportunity to speak with a DB coach I highly reccomend it, I found the discussion very helpful.

Soooo I probably won't have an awful lot to say here until my W reaches out to me if and when that ever happens. In the meantime I will try to help everyone out as best I can. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[cat04]

I could be wrong but I think now is the time you should be posting more...

It's great that you are feeling a little bit different, hopefully a little bit less angry and resentful...

I am curious though, what does letting go of the past look like for you?

It isn't like you can just say poof, this doesn't bother me anymore, and actually have it not bother you...

What does forgivness look like to you?

What does unconditional love look like to you?

I agree with what 25 said.

I will also share with you, even though some people don't think it matters, Mach was married once. His W had 2 A's. You won't find his sitch in a thread, because he doesn't have one. You will find bits and pieces of wisdom, growth, and understanding in his many many posts. They are worth the read.

And though you didn't ask, I will tell you also, the second man that Mach described, the one who allows his SO to be her own person and doesn't do everything in the world for her, is a much more attractive type of man.

What sort of man do you want to be?

[Broken74]

Broken's quote o'the day: (ironically this is my favorite quote ever lol)

"Choose your life's mate carefully, from this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery."
--H.Jackson Brown Jr.

Thanks cat04,

I appreciate your feedback and questions. Today is going to be a tough day, I met her face to face for the first time three years ago to the day. Had our first date at the Natural Science Center, somewhere we could move around, do some fun activities together, it was a great time and a great date. I knew that day I would have a special relationship with that woman. I have marked this day two times before, but won't be doing so today... <sigh>

I am feeling a lot differently cat, reason being for the most part that I think I am finally detached. I'm to the point I don't care what she's doing, where she is, or what or whom she's doing for that matter. I'm GAL or "doing me" as I like to call it. I will admit that anger helped in getting me to this point, all I know is I'm glad I'm here. I am trying not to be resentful because it gets me nowhere. The past is what it is and I can't change that. The only thing I have control of is my actions today.

Letting go of the past... I've framed it for myself like this. Take someone who gets plowed by a truck into a tree an paralyzed for life. They have two choices, get over it and move on with life as best they can, or give up with the woe is me attitude. In the grand scheme of things I've determined I need to stop b*tching and feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim role. Much worse things have happened to much better people. In the grand scheme my sitch although dramatic, if it ends up in divorce not a lot of shrapnel will fly going forward. I feel bad for my stepchildren, but this is their mothers decision to put them through this type of turmoil for the second time in their lives, not mine. Letting go of the past for me means looking forward and not looking back. As far as the A, I have no idea how many guys she had been with prior to our R. And she swears the A was never physical anyway, even if it was why do I care? Stuff happens. I agree it's not like "poof" it's gone, but I'm trying to think about other things, my future namely, and just not thinking about the negatives of the past, or the positives for that matter.

Although my statements in prior thread don't sound like forgiveness, I have forgiven my W for her contributions to our downfall. If she eventually gets to a point where she would like to work on our R I will only look forward and not look back. If she chooses to move on with divorce, I will do the same thing, only look forward and not look back, and hope she has a happy life. Forgiveness to me also includes forgetting, that is what I am still working to do now. As you said it is one thing to say it, it is actually another thing to feel it.

Unconditional love to me is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. Those are not my words but I don't know who said them, but they are in my thought notebook and ring true to me. That is what I am practicing now, her life is her own, totally autonomous of me. Although she kicked me out of her life, I still love her and would do anything for her at anytime. That is unconditional love for me.

As I have time I am going to forward read up on Mach1, 25yrsmlc, and cat04's post as I can see that you folks have a lot of experience in this area. I am only 6 months into this ordeal but am I happy that at least I have my bearings now, largely in part the help of the kind souls on this board.

What kind of man do I want to be? That's the question of the day I guess. I want to be the man only a fool would leave, the man I was three years ago today who started the process of sweeping my W off her feet, with some minor changes.

I want to be HONEST with myself and others, all of the time. When first dealing with women it is too easy to put a front to immediately "be the man they want". I did this with my W and it ended up causing problems down the road. If I had been HONEST with myself, I probably wouldn't have taken the decision to marry a woman with 3 children and 2 deadbeat dads so lightly.

I want to be FAITHFUL to the woman I am in a R with. I was in a bad place when I met my W, on a womanizing tear to help boost my self esteem, not the way to do it and that also cost me dearly, including the trust that my W had in me at the time, that seemingly never was recovered.

I'm going to continue to be SOBER because my alchololism I believe is ultimately what landed me here. If I would not have been drinking, I would never have verbally abused my wife.

I am not going to LEAD WITH "STUFF" in my future relationships. It is all to easy to try and impress a woman with things, and 90% of the time it works. I want the next woman I am in a relationship with to love me for me, not for other things that I may be able to bring to the table.

Hmmmm as far as significant changes I think those are the major ones. My W and any other woman would attest that I am very kind, gentle, loving, generous, tender-hearted man. That is unless a bottle was involved. I am glad to moving forward in my life as far as that particular problem is concerned. And I hope I can keep my other positive traits going forward.

Thanks again for your feedback cat04, it's greatly appreciated.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Thought for the day:
"Adversity has ever been considered the state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself."
--Samuel Johnson

Uuuuugh struggling today...

She contacted me yesterday re: car payment logistics, everything was short and sweet and business only.

Even though it was this way it was like ripping duct tape off an open wound. I had been doing well for the most part in keeping her off my mind now she is in the forefront again.

My gut feeling tells me she is probably talking to the OM or somebody else. I want to ask her flat out if she dating anybody, I think that is fair for me to know at this point. It would be an obvious no-no to ask her this question even though it's fair right, as it would be interpreted as controlling behavior? If she is dating other people that is an indicator to me that she has no thoughts of our reconciling at any point, although she will not really broach the topic of divorce. It honestly makes no sense. If she would say "I want a Divorce in August" then that would help me mentally close on all of this, but she won't say this or anything close to it.

So I continue to GAL and have little idle time which I guess is good. Have had the desire to drink on multiple occassions but haven't done so and won't. Maybe this marriage will be the opportunity cost of my sobriety, who knows.

All I know is that this has not been, nor will it continue to be fun in any way shape or form. Actually I guess some of the GAL freedom has been fun, but I would trade a night at home with my W and stepkids in a heartbeat for all of that.

At least it will be another day in the books, good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[labug]

Help me understand your outrage now at your wife's cheating when you cheated in your first marriage and on current wife while engaged.

What do you want to do?

Reconcile, then forget about what she's doing now or with whom and work on yourself.

Get a divorce, then forget about what she's doing now or with whom and work on yourself.

[Broken74]

Hi labug,

The reason I take particular offense to the nature of my W’s affair, is because although I made other mistakes I was 100% faithful during our marriage. I made my missteps in our dating days, as I was seemingly going through a MLC myself, still flailing about at the tail end of the separation of my first marriage/divorce. My W and I had an agreement that all was forgiven and we were starting with a clean slate during our engagement/marriage. I did a total 180 and never gave any other women a second look during this time, not once.

I know that I pushed my wife away with my drinking and associated verbal tirades, so in a way that is helping me get over the A issue. I honestly do feel that she owed me one, although that is a juvenile way to look at it. It is a very hurtful thing and now I know what I put my first wife through, and my current W during out dating days. I try to work on erasing the A from my mind every day.

During my 1st marriage I thought I was justified in what I did, because of the words that came out of my wife’s mouth. At the tailend of our sexless marriage where I tried what I thought should help us at that time (big surprise I was wrong), she said if I wanted sex to effectively go find some, so I did. That was incredibly stupid and selfish, but that is certainly me at times. I also wanted out of that marriage under any circumstances. As I said it should’nt help, but I left her with everything, so that is how I sleep at night.

You raise a good point in that regardless of what my end goal is, my behavior needs to be the same. If I worry about what or whom she’s doing it’s simply going to drive me crazy and accomplish nothing. That doesn’t change the fact it crosses my mind.

Thanks again for reading and providing your input and questions, they help me think a lot. Good luck to all in your respective sitch’s!

[Rick1963]

Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Remeber this^^^^when ever you feel like having a tirade.

[Broken74]

Thanks Rick, that's a great scripture. I also like James 3:8-10
"but no human being can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mout come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so."

and James 1:19-20
"let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."

I am 6 classes in with 20 to go in a domestic violence curriculum, ultimately because of my previously vile tongue. I can honestly say that is one of my 180's, I know in my heart I will never be verbally abusive toward any woman again. I also know I won't drink again, which is another 180 for me.

Now if my wife will ever open up to see these things remains to be seen, they were seemingly the two most significant problems from my side that led to our downfall.

Thanks again for your thoughts Rick they mean a lot, I will continue to pray for you and your sitch, keep your chin up!