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#2235157 - 04/03/12 02:18 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: imthemom]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Thanks for reaching out ITM.

I'm okay. No real change in my situation. H signed that he had been served the divorce papers last week. He still seems in denial that I'm moving ahead with this.

For me, I'm continuing to try to do positive things:
--Focus on the kids
--Exercise, eat healthy, get rest
--Think about what I want my life to be like in the future
--Do things with family/friends
--Go to church
--Travel--taking the kids on spring break for 4 days next week
--Redecorate a bit in the house

I'm still in contact with the guy I met after H and I decided to separate. Probably not ideal but we see each other every couple weeks and we have fun. It's been great for me to know I can have fun again and there are other fish in the sea.


H continues to travel and work non-stop. He's been back the last three weekends but we've lived pretty separate lives. He still stays in the house but claims he's looking at places (he isn't really). He's gotten the message that we aren't physical or sleeping in the same bed anymore. He is gone this upcoming weekend. If anything, he's "friendlier" and more respectful with me than he's been since this all started last July. He seems very excited when I text him a photo or something about the kids. I do think there might be a chance he's emerging a bit from the affair fog...although even if he does, we have issues and I'm not sure if I want to work on our marriage again or not. I think I only would if he was willing to make some major changes.

I know it bothers H that I'm moving on and pushing him off his fence. It's been hard to stay strong and not "be nice". I'm basically just thinking I'm done and if anything, following the Tough Love advice from James Dobson.

What a journey!

M 43, H 45
D11, D8 and D5
H affair started 8/1/2011
Discovered 9/15/2011
Affair continues
Decided to separate 1/2012
Divorce filed 3/2012
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2235719 - 04/05/12 04:58 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Tuesday was a very hard night. H teed up that he thinks he needs to be back this weekend to meet with a lawyer. He's clearly upset/mad that I filed and now he needs to respond to my divorce filing. I told him I thought he had more time and he kept sending me little "digs".

He then asked when OW can meet our three daughters. He's implying that since I set the divorce in motion, he now needs to move ahead on his end which includes introducing her to them. As the conversation progressed (via text), I got the clear impression that OW isn't pushing for this and I believe H is using it as a threat against me now that I've set the wheels in motion to divorce.

I told him I don't trust his judgment right now and I don't feel like he's acting rationally. He claims he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Every few texts, he'd comment about how he appreciated my opinion and values our family.

Anyway, the conversation really shook me. I made it very clear to him that in my opinion, our girls should absolutely not meet OW until we have finalized the divorce and a reasonable period has elapsed. From what I've read, this could have a devastating impact on his relationship with them, they won't like OW, and they could also turn on me. (Let alone their own feelings of abandonment when they discover he hasn't just been working in OW's city).

I'm seeing an ugly side of H. I think he's truly desperate to stay on the fence. I continue to be glad I filed and glad I'm pushing ahead. I can see that I would have waited a long time for this affair to end.

I'm really working on not being impacted by H's irrational behavior. Just hate that he is involving the kids.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2235731 - 04/05/12 06:00 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Hi Nblost

I've been reading you since you started posting, but I think this is the first time I've ever posted to you.

I have been so impressed with your clarity, your ability to maintain your self-esteem during a very difficult time and your ability to be honest with yourself in terms of where your at, the things you are doing to cope and your realism about his attitude … it is pretty amazing for someone who is really in the very early stages of separation.

I've never admitted this on this board, indeed I've only admitted it to 2 people in the whole world, but a couple of years after my x and I separated, I entered a relationship with a man in circumstances very similar to what you describe about the relationship your H is in with OW.

He was a liar and a cheat – but I had no idea of that at the time. He was working and living in my city and only went home “to see his children” every second or third weekend. I was busy and constantly travelling, so I didn’t really notice any inconsistencies in his story. I bought his crap hook line and sinker. I was into him and I trusted him. He told me he and his wife were separated, but because he was away there was no point getting another house for himself in town and when he went in his ex stayed with friends and family and he stayed with the kids. I had no reason to disbelieve him ….

Turns out, his wife didn’t share his opinion that they were separated. As far as she was concerned, he was working away to make money to support his family and they were very much a couple.

Eventually she found a text or e-mail or something from me and rang me. She told me her side of the story. I’ve never been so embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated in my life and I immediately ended the relationship.

A year or so later, he called me and told me what happened after that (not sure why I took the call, but maybe so I can tell you this story – I’ve never taken another call from him since). Apparently, she begged him to stay, she flipped out and was threatening suicide. She collapsed really (I still feel shame thinking about it). But she kept hanging on to him. This man who had betrayed her, she clung to him like a limpet and he felt so guilty and concerned that he let her. Eventually his shame (and that’s my interpretation) and his inability to communicate his needs and desires meant that they did break up.
I heard through the grapevine recently that she is still calling him and asking him to come home (it’s now 2 ½ years later) … and he’s onto women number 3 or 4.

He was such a weak man, if she had have just played it straight, kicked his ar$e out and told him his behavior was unacceptable … he’d still be there – he was too immature and unselfaware to make any major changes to his life of his own accord – and lets face it, men who are unhappy in their marriages have some obligation to make their feelings known to their partner so they have some hope of figuring things out, BEFORE they start sleeping around.

You are doing the right thing and you are amazingly calm. Which is the absolutely perfect attitude whatever happens. If you reconcile, there won’t be all the history of drama and clinging and if you divorce, you’ll be able to co-parent appropriately.

I can almost guarantee you that OW knows very little about you or your circumstances. I can also almost guarantee you that if you or someone else told her the true story, she’d be horribly embarrassed and very hurt. She’d have no option but to end the relationship.

…. However, I don’t think you need to go there do you NBlost? You are one strong lady and you get it. This isn’t about you – it’s about him and he needs to travel this journey on his own, or he will never grow up.

You keep being amazing. ((y))
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#2235744 - 04/05/12 07:18 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Walking]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Walking, you are so nice. I definitely don't feel like I am as strong as you think I am! I guess I am finding my way. I really do feel more empowered now that I'm taking action. I couldn't handle living like this anymore. I think everyone gets there at different points. I'm far from perfect though.

Your perspective is so interesting. H claims OW knows the truth, but I can't believe she does. He got the most angry during this "ordeal" when I said I should just call and talk to her about how she's feeling about things. I agree it's hard to know where this will end up...but I do feel good that I've mostly taken the high road. H has recently viewed me as taking "the offensive" against him...and I have gotten more angry at him recently. But, I also think he's trying to get me to back down and be nicer again.

What's interesting is that through my detaching from H...I really don't feel like I care about them anymore (until my kids are at risk for getting sucked in).

I have really felt like contacting OW at moments...but I am above contacting her. I just feel like I don't want to stoop to their level. At Christmas I told H that I felt like I was in a group of three losers and I was going to be the first one to get out.

I guess the more I see H acting like this...the more I think she can have him!

Thanks again for your note! It means a lot.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2235879 - 04/06/12 04:13 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Quote:
He got the most angry during this "ordeal" when I said I should just call and talk to her about how she's feeling about things.


Guilt and fear always seem to manifest in men as anger ... anger is always a good tip that there is a whole world of stuff he is worried about you finding out!!

You're a classy lady. Keep at it.

V
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#2235915 - 04/06/12 09:31 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Walking]
imthemom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 343
Loc: California
That was the first thing my STBX threatened me with when I found out about the ow....he immediantley started talking about introducing our S15 to her, because he knew I wouldnt like that. I also knew that it would damage there relationship most likely beyound repair. Our son was 14 when it started and is totally capable of putting 2x2 together and figure out that this ow was an affair...and not just a new girlfriend like STBX was playing her off to be.

I insisted on him NOT knowing and then helped STBX cover it up for the next 4 months until it became obviouse by his behavior that something was going on and S15 started to ask questions and get angry at ME for not answering them. I eventually made his D come over and speak to him and come clean....and it HAS damaged there relationship...S15 has zero respect for him avoids seeing him as much as he can...and still has not met ow.
They are still going strong and STBX continues to spend alot of time that he COULD be spending with his son, with this ow instead and that is a choice HE makes. but insist that it is not....Its so funny how they all are so predictable in there behavior and actions.

Be prepared...I filed first, and tried to work WITH STBX to make this as easy as possible on myself and my S15...he finally got his own L and came after me with a sledge hammer...and my situation is different then the above...this ow knows the situation (I think it was obviouse when I caught them in our bed by my reaction and the fact that most of my things were still in our home) If she didnt know before she certainly knew then, and I get the distinct impression that she is the one pushing for the D to go threw as fast as possible and for her to meet S15 asap.

and there is a bench in hell with people like thats name already on it....
_________________________
Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...

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#2235918 - 04/06/12 10:02 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4614
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Nblost


He then asked when OW can meet our three daughters. He's implying that since I set the divorce in motion, he now needs to move ahead on his end which includes introducing her to them. As the conversation progressed (via text), I got the clear impression that OW isn't pushing for this and I believe H is using it as a threat against me now that I've set the wheels in motion to divorce.

I told him I don't trust his judgment right now and I don't feel like he's acting rationally. He claims he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Every few texts, he'd comment about how he appreciated my opinion and values our family.



That's your opening; AGREE with him, and say "I appreciate that you want what's best for the family, and I'm sure neither of us what to do anything to unnecessarily harm the kids emotionally. These are important issues, and we're going to have more of these, and I'd like us to sit down with a good family therapist to talk about how to play this with the kids. Are you okay with me getting a couple of names for us to consider, and then we can pick one?"

or some such.

It is NOT a good idea for kids to meet OW this soon, and your husband's either not thinking straight right now, or as you say he's merely trying to use this as a weapon against you. Best to let a good MC/FT deal with it, as ANY of them worth their salt will tell them that he should wait at LEAST six months before he introduces any other women to your children.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235920 - 04/06/12 10:04 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4614
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Nblost


Your perspective is so interesting. H claims OW knows the truth, but I can't believe she does.




Based on my experience studying literally thousands of affairs, I can state with about 95-99% certainty that she DOES NOT. He's probably giving her outright LIES, at worst, and "trickle truth," at best.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235958 - 04/06/12 01:06 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Starsky309]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
I bet she doesn't know the truth either. His life gives me a headache.

Starsky, that's a good way to approach the kids/OW issue. I do think it was a bit of an idle threat. He seemed to be willing to listen to me (via text message). And, OW is 2,000 miles away so it isn't like he can easily introduce the kids (and my divorce filing dictates he needs written permission to take the kids out of state) I told him at least 6-12 months after the divorce...

Thanks everyone.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2238300 - 04/16/12 02:38 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Quick update.

H was back again this weekend...acts very friendly. We had a discussion last night.

--He doesn't think we can work on the marriage, it's been "run into the ground".
--His affair seems to be going well. He asked again about having OW meet our kids. I think if he had his way, they'd go with him to her city for the month of August. I told him I'm not comfortable with that.
--He thinks I'm all about dating and having an affair of my own. This past weekend, he took the kids and I was mostly alone except for lunch with some girlfriends. He seemed suspicious about that.
--He said he was open to talking, so I asked him a couple questions about OW and the affair. He refused to answer. "You'll just use the information against me later".

He still hasn't found a place to live. I'm encouraging him to find a rental.

More of the same. And his work is crazy so I know he's stressed and tired. He loves his job, so even if we were staying married, I'd have the travel and work hours to deal with.

I continue to feel like I'm ready to move on. I have had some valleys of depressed feelings over the last couple weeks...I'm trying to just live through it...I know it's a process.

On a bright note, the kids and I had a great week last week on vacation! Kids were well-behaved and ran around the hotel/pool. I was able to workout every morning and get some "me" time by the pool with a magazine (especially because my little one fell asleep a couple times on the chair next to me). I really didn't miss H at all. That was a huge sign for me...
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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