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The urge to rescue him is there...agreed...I need to be nice, but firm.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Jan 2003
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Quote:
The huge thing my OM friendship is giving me is some strength and more understanding of H. I know that is a bit demented.


No, it's not demented - it makes perfect sense actually.

The admiration of another man rescues your self esteem and helps you detach. And seeing how easy it can be to slip into another R, makes you understand a little better how H slipped into his affair.

But yes, it's dangerous, because you might get your feelings involved and then not be able to go back to your marriage even if H wants to try. Or your H could come back and you could end up hurting OM.

That's why I sometimes advise people in your position to create the APPEARANCE of dating (going out all dressed up, being mysterious about where you're going, buying yourself flowers and leaving them around as if someone sent them)- without really dating - so as to provoke the WAS into feeling exactly what your H is feeling now, but with the ability to deny in the future ever being with another person.

Unfair though it is, if you were to sleep with OM and then reunite with your H, odds are that he would continue to hold that over your head and resent you for it.

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Kml,
I agree and my feelings are involved. I think all those reasons apply and OM is also a really solid guy and that is so refreshing after H. He doesn't want to be in an affair so he is being careful we don't get too serious before I am done with H.

That said, I am getting attached to him and even though he knows there is a chance I will reunite with H...I think he is getting attached too. I don't want to hurt him.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Mar 2012
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I would think you would have to stop seeing OM. You're going to lose the attraction for you husband the more time you spend with the OM. It's not fair to you or him (OM). Make a decision, and stick to it. We are strong women, right?? Life is too short. If you make a plan and stick to it, by filing for divorce, it puts the ball in his court and he has to fight for you. And if he doesn't, who wants a man like that? You seem to have done your fair share of fighting. How long do you want to fight? It's exhausting.

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I filed for divorce on Friday. I informed H last night when he got home. He initially said, "ok" and acted like it was no big deal. We then got "into it" and had a couple hour conversation.

Lots of the same stuff came up. It feels like he has such a lack of understanding of what his guilt is making him feel and say. I can tell he isn't sure what he wants and he admits he will probably end up wanting me back later. However, he doesn't like when I say that working on our marriage will be a long process and it's hard to know how it will turn out. He feels like he can't give up his affair for that. I told him that's fine with me and I'm at the point where I need to move on. He basically likes the affair for how it makes him feel (I felt like saying, "Yes, I know...that's what every book says".) He also claims he never compares me and OW. I told him maybe he should start if he's really concerned about making a decision between us. He still feels like he can't talk to me about his affair because he thinks it will hurt my feelings or I'll throw things back at him. I said that was fine.

I freaked out at him a couple times when he tried to put things back on me or say I haven't been willing to try. He can tell there is a deep under current in me of anger and pain.

He said the one night he knew I was out with OM was the first time he realized (after 6 months!) that his affair could mean our marriage could end. I told him I feel like I was too patient with him and I should have filed and lost it sooner. He didn't agree or disagree.

Again, he can't really tell me what he wants or what he'd want me to do in an ideal world. He knows he has to end his affair for things to work out between us.

I also don't think he's comfortable that I appear to be strong and appear to be moving on. I told him how I've been working on detaching...he's only one person out of billions on the planet and even though he's my husband and the father of my kids...I have to live my own life.

It's really hard not to try to make him feel better or rescue him...but I'm not going to.

Interestingly, I've had a couple people ask why I seemed so happy on Friday. I think taking some control of the situation feels very good. Also, I've processed a lot in the last 8 months...I agree that life is too short.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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Quote:
Also, I've processed a lot in the last 8 months...I agree that life is too short.


This is true. My good friend almost died this last week (42, husband and father, generally in excellent health) and it does make you think (he's doing fine now, thank goodness).

You've done a lot to try to save your marriage, and you're even giving him the chance now to give up the OW and work on it. If he can't step up to the plate, I think it's ok to say you're entitled to move on then.

It's really unfortunate for the kids, but it sure sounds like he's been such a part-time dad, that they might not react as badly as most - since they are already used to him not being around that much, that part of their lives won't change much.

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Quote:
He said the one night he knew I was out with OM was the first time he realized (after 6 months!) that his affair could mean our marriage could end.


That does reveal the fantasy world most adulterers are living in, doesn't it??

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Our kids (sadly) are used to him being gone. If anything, they are excited he may get a new place. I don't think they'll get it until he actually moves out.

I had drinks with a friend of mine on Saturday. She said her kids are actually very happy living with her as a single mom. Their dad visits occasionally from another state but he's a "fun dad" and they now as teenagers can see that they've been better off with the stability of their mom.

I continue to believe that things have to "hit the fan" for anything to change. (told H that last night) I let him sit on his fence for too long.

I've detached and am okay with whatever happens...at this point, I need to do this.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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H is losing it. He's not sleeping, he left today but was in and out of our bedroom at least 6 times last night.

H is mad I filed for divorce and retained an attorney. I told him I needed to protect myself financially...and the filing truly protects both of us. It seemed like seeing the filing hit him between the eyes.

He was also trying to tell me he hasn't spent that much on OW and she actually pays for a lot of their travel. I got sick of hearing about it and told him to "f*** off". He came back later and I said I still just can't understand how he could go on vacation while I'm home with the kids.

He was in our bedroom the night before last. He said he just needed to hear my breathing..."it's comforting".

He's losing control. And, he's realizing I'm moving on.

For anyone who gave me the advice to stop putting up with this--it was the right advice! But, I had to get to this point where I'm detached and willing to take the risk.

Stay tuned...


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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If it wasn't so sad, this would be hilarious! They are SOOOO predictable.

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Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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