Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities

[rickb89]

"I'm a little curious and if you don't mind me asking, you had mentioned an OM. Where has he been during all of this?"

Funny you should ask this ^^^^ CES.

The OM lives out of state so popping in for a visit is not exactly something that is easily achievable.

However, that doesn't mean that the scum is out of the picture. For, as I was folding piles upon piles of laundry, I came across a pair of men's underwear that are of a size and brand that I do not wear.

So while the rat-bastard is not here in person, he appears to be here in spirit.

There should be an exemption in assualt and battery law that allows LBS's to open a can of whoop a$$ on creeps like this guy. I think I would probably drop dead of a burst heart if I found some skid mark ridden guy's underwear in my W's laundry. You amaze me with your ability to keep it all together.

[2thepoint]

Really good metaphor - fly in the soup... Remove the fly and eat the soup or throw them both out.... or perhaps there's a 3rd option: eat the fly and the soup!

Fly in the soup moment here......


2-

What does the best possible outcome of this look like to you ?

*** The best outcome is my W is restored to good health...and we find a way to R our M. ***

What does the worst possible outcome of this look like for you ?

*** Don't even want to consider this... Death of my W and death of my M in one fell swoop.***


If she would happen to say that she wanted to work on things...


ARE YOU READY FOR THAT ????

Emotionally ready ???

Don't get me wrong, I pray that she recovers quickly, and her health is the #1 issue here...

However, I do see you building expectations right now...

Just remember, that this is your choice ...

I know what you are saying here M1. Emotionally ready for a reconciliation...probably not. I told my C today that just as I was pulling away and really being ok with it, I got suked into the vortex, big time!!!

I don't know, this health crisis has shaken both of us to our cores. I'll expand on this in a later post. But, when you are looking death in the eye, it just seems that that is a truely clarifying moment. We'll have to see.

[2thepoint]

Do you believe in angels? This is the question my W asked me today when I went to see her in the ICU at the hospital. I'll get back to this in a moment. I first want to update on my W's condition.

On the day my W was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia, her oxygen saturation was measured at 72%. Normal is between 95-98% and respiratory failure usually occurs between 85-90%.

A few days ago an echocardiogram showed my W's Ejection Fraction at 22%. Normal is between 55-75, <35% indicates that a patient is at risk for life threatening irregular heartbeats.

Her heart rate which has been hovering between 140-160 since last Thursday has finally come down to 120, (average healthy heart rate is around 80 bpm). The Dr's have been very concerned about this condition and have been working feverishly to get things under control.

To say that my W has been straddling the line between life and death for the past few days is probably an understatement. I don't think I have ever been so scared for the life of a loved one as I have been since last Thursday.

Now that her heart rate is starting to come down, I am feeling a little more optimistic about my W making a recovery. It will be slow to be sure, but she seems to be feeling better and the heart rate improvement is a major factor. She is still not out of the woods, but every day her heart rate gets closer to normal is a step in the right direction.

==========================

Now back to the angels. When I arrived at the hospital this morning I noticed a bible on the table next to the bed. I asked her if she requested the bible because it hadn't been in the room before. This is when she asked me if I believed in angels.

She told me that there was a point yesterday when she was feeling very low. I did not go to the hospital yesterday because I was sick and had a fever of 101 and she asked me not to come.

Anyway at the point when my W was feeling very low a man peaked in her room and asked her if she'd like some company. She said sure and the man introduced himself as a Pastor.....

As my wife tells it, he began to talk to her about her religious beliefs and my W told him that while she believed in God and Jesus Christ, she just couldn't get her mind around the concepts of Christianity. Specifically the cruelty of the crucifixion and why that was ever necessary.

She went on to explain that when she was a little girl she was forced to sit in on church services that were hours long and how she resented being forced to endure these lengthy services especially since she didn't understand what was being talked about half the time. She said that her and her sister would count down the minutes on their watches waiting for the service to finish. She also remembers being scared of going to hell and has lived with that feeling of never being quite good enough to avoid the "wrath of God and eternal damnation".

The pastor told my W that everyone is loved by God. And I think this comforted my W. The pastor asked her if she had a bible and when she said no, he left and came back with one as a gift for her and pointed out a few scripture passages that she could read for inspiration.

After my W shared this story with me she said that she felt like the pastor was an angel sent by God to look over her. And from there we had a lengthy conversation about God, religion, my new church, our children's quasi-religious upbringing, etc. My W marveled at how I could attend church after being betrayed by the one institution that should have been there to protect me.

It was just a very interesting conversation. For some reason I felt more connected to my W in that conversation than I had in a very long time. We just seemed to really be listening to each other and I thought it was great!

I think my W has had feelings of guilt over a lot of things throughout her life; some real and some imagined. And it really seems to have done a number on her emotional state of mind. I think that as she approaches 50 years of age, these feelings of guilt are really starting to come to the surface. Our R is but one of the many casualties of this new realization of hers.

And then... I get a text message from an unknown number saying that "I heard about your W being in the hospital and want you to know that she is in my prayers. If there is anything I can do, let me know." The person who sent the text included their name and it turned out to be a woman I met at a friends superbowl party 2 weeks ago. I do not know how she got my number.

Like I said in my previous post, just as I was getting comfortable pulling away, I got suked into a huge vortex!

[keep_going]

2tp - wow... what an interesting update.

It's good to hear that your wife is slowly stabilizing and I hope that this progresses rapidly to the point where she is completely out of the woods.

That whole thing with the pastor / angels/ God conversation is amazing to me. I believe there are some experiences in our lives that will stay in our minds and mark us somehow and I think today might have been one of those.

Regardless of what happens to your M, today was not at all about your relationship with your W. To me, it's one of those experiences that are more about us being human, being frail and connecting and really living a deeply powerful and potentially transforming moment with another human being (your wife with the pastor and then you with your wife talking about God).

I don't know if it makes any sense, but I do hope that today's events bring both you and your W an opportunity to grow and heal as two people who are dealing with a lot of pain in your lives.

[2thepoint]

"Regardless of what happens to your M, today was not at all about your relationship with your W. To me, it's one of those experiences that are more about us being human, being frail and connecting and really living a deeply powerful and potentially transforming moment with another human being (your wife with the pastor and then you with your wife talking about God)."

I couldn't agree more!

[ces67]

Very interesting day indeed. Glad the recovery is showing some good signs. I hope you're feeling better as well. Taking care of others can wear you out so hope you're taking care of yourself also.

IMHO, God works in ways far beyond our box of thinking. Quick story...

After our first child, we had a miscarriage. This was of course extremely traumatic for us and especially my W. Not long after the miscarriage, my W woke up one day and told me of a dream she'd had. Basically, the story involved her, a small child, various people she knew and an older man she didn't recognize. In the dream she was able to hold the child and realized the older man, while staying somewhat removed, continued to show concern and love in his eyes. The dream ended with the child saying they'd be alright and leaving with the man who continued to show love & concern with his eyes but never saying anything.

My W was convinced this was a message from God and she had peace from that point on about the miscarraige. Less than 6 months later we were expecting our daughter.

Its hard to say what moves our hearts. But we can be thankful when it happens.

Your signature line covers the core of God's message: forgiveness. Maybe this will help your W forgive herself and in turn, others. But I think it has to start with forgiving ourselves, personally.

Maybe you've been fortunate enough to see God working in both your lives. Maybe its just a fluke but could create positive change. Either way, if its stirring valuable conversations that allow you both to look deeper at yourselves, its got to be a good thing.

But hey, I'm one of those goofy people who believes God still cares and works in our lives for our good and His...

Hope your day goes well and hope your W has another good day of recovery.

[purgatory]

I am a firm believer that God puts people in our lives at the exact moment we are supposed to receive them..... but only when we are ready. For whatever reason, your W was ready to receive the 'pastor' and was open to talking about her faith (perhaps her recent visit to death's door has put her faith into question- and she may never tell you.) This man could have most definitely been a messenger of God- and only NOW has your W been ready for the message.

Because of this ^^^^ meeting, she was ready to talk with *you* about faith and religion. Perhaps this is the turning point that God has been waiting for to put His Will into action.

I'm happy for you that you came away from this feeling positive- it was a moment for the two of you to connect with no pressure of R talk.

[rickb89]

2 - not much more to say after these insightful posts from others. The world of eternal spirit and love does watch over us and guide us in this world we are sent here to grow in.

Having faith...that seems to be something you're strong with....your W may just be opening a door to this vast unseen world and her journey may be made with you by her side or may be necessary to be done alone. Nonetheless, this sickness didn't happen by chance. I pray for you and boys, but am really praying for your W for strength in her journey.

[2thepoint]

Yesterday evening before I took the boys to see their mom in the hospital, I went on-line and found some printable valentine templates. I ran off a few and also printed off a few pictures of the boys (ones my W has never seen) to attach to the cards.

When we got to the hospital, I had the boys give their homemade valentines to their mom.

Today, during my visit my W tells me "thank you so much for having the boys make the valentines, it really meant a lot to me."

I'm learning...

[ces67]

Enjoy those successes when they come around. You seem to be getting a bit more these days and I'm very happy for you. Stay the course and keep the expectations down. Maybe it will make the successes a bit more fun.