Sounds like she might be entering a new phase. Hang in there, it will be another rough ride. So awesome that you have all your GAL stuff in place, movies, divorce care, trip to Spain, your W is like hey wait a second 2tp has a life??!
Keep doing your own thing, seems like it working
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Went to my DC meeting tonight. I missed the last session due to W's hospitalization and then last weeks session was canceled.
When I walked into the conference room, the Pastor who facilitates the session said Hi 2TP, how are you and how is Mrs 2TP? He mentioned her by her first name. He knows her name because of an email exchange between us when W was in the ICU.
It really warmed my heart that someone who I don't know really well was so caring and concerned about me and my W. He said that he was very worried about her health and how concerned he was for me and my family and said that he had been praying every day for her/our recovery.
The topic of tonight's session was loneliness and how to deal with it, what to avoid and what to embrace. I mentioned that although the topic was primarily focused on loneliness as it relates to adult relationships, I shared that I take tremendous comfort in the affection my two boys have shown me since the start of the sitch.
For example, S10 is always enthusiastic about going to church with me on Sundays. S13 not so much. But what is really cool is as we walk from the parking lot to the church, S10 always, always puts his arm around my waist. And when we are leaving the church he does the same thing and my heart melts every time!
I joked that S13, being a teenager and all shows affection as well but it is usually more like man-hugs, head locks and punches in the arm, that kind of stuff. It is just as endearing but different IYKWIM.
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Earlier in the day I had promised W a back rub. We have this thing called a knuckle that has 4 big nubs that fit into the palm of your hand and it makes for a great back rub. I know my W has been aching and is very tired and so I offered her the back rub to help her relax.
So when I got home I offered her the back rub again and she agreed. I'm not using this as a pursuit technique. I'm just trying to fulfill my caregivers role and well maybe..... fill her Acts of Service love tank just a little I suppose.
While I was rubbing her back I mentioned that the Pastor had asked about her specifically and that he had been praying every day for her recovery. She seemed touched by this.
A little while later I asked her how she was feeling, more from a confidence perspective. I told her that I had purchased cancellation insurance with my ticket to Spain and am prepared to cancel my trip to continue to care for her.
She said that she is feeling fine, just tired and that I should still go on the trip. She said "besides that is 3 weeks away and I should continue to get stronger and stronger." I said OK, but that I was still prepared to cancel the trip if she needed me to and she said, "I know, thanks."
So the conversation was less monumental than I was expecting. Oh well.
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Now I have to figure out when and how to approach W about when/if she wants/needs me to move back out. It is something that has been weighing heavy on my mind for a couple of reasons.
First, I have March rent coming due is a few days. There is no sense in paying if I'm going to continue to stay at the house.
Second, I don't want to rush things along if my W is starting to reconsider our R. I'm not suggesting that she is or has even shown signs of wanting to. But if she is and I come across as ambivalent about things or like I want to move back out then she may get cold feet.
Third, I don't want to overstay my welcome and come across as assuming all is well when it isn't. I don't want to appear needy either. I want to be confident and ok with my life, no matter what.
And so I struggle with how to handle this delicate dance. Thoughts, ideas?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Wonder why she seems almost nervous to ask directly. Was this an issue in the past or something completely new? Perhaps she feels that you've already done so much for her with the recent health scare, that she doesn't have the right to ask you to do anything else- as if she's afraid of taking advantage of you or being greedy. I've felt this way when H had to take 2 weeks off work to take care of me when I had swine flu while pregnant... I felt guilty to ask him for a snack, backrub or anything because he was taking care of S3 (at the time) all day and cleaning the house.
Just a thought, but who knows what kinds of things go through the WAS mind
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I don't know Purg. My guess is that she doesn't want to assume anything. Maybe she is fearful that I'll get expectations if she asks too many favors. I really don't know. Things are so in limbo land right now. I'm really unsure how to proceed, thus my post just before the post of yours above.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I agree to a point, but when I have March rent due in 2 days, I kinda, sorta need to know.
Plus, as I posted above, I don't want to over stay my welcome. If W is getting antsy with my presence and is reluctant to say something as evidenced by her inability to be direct in stating her needs in less delicate situations, then how am I supposed to know what she is thinking here?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I agree to a point, but when I have March rent due in 2 days, I kinda, sorta need to know.
Plus, as I posted above, I don't want to over stay my welcome. If W is getting antsy with my presence and is reluctant to say something as evidenced by her inability to be direct in stating her needs in less delicate situations, then how am I supposed to know what she is thinking here?
I get the issue of money but it may come across to your W that you're more concerned about the finances than her or the R. If you can swing the rent, I would suggest just going ahead and paying it and have the place if you need it. That way you are prepared for any option.
If you need to know something, what is holding you back from the conversation? Is it fear? Is it concern for your wife? And if it is concern for your wife, is it valid & useful?
For myself (so it may not apply to you) I hold back on conversations because I'm worried how they will play out. I've learned that's not a good motivation for myself. Can you just let her know that you don't want to overstay your welcome and want to plan a time to leave that works best for both of you? That puts you in the driver seat and maybe gives her an option to thing about and freely discuss what she wants.
Just thoughts. take 'em or leave 'em. You now your sitch much better than I do. Good luck!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
[quote=2thepoint]For myself (so it may not apply to you) I hold back on conversations because I'm worried how they will play out. I've learned that's not a good motivation for myself. Can you just let her know that you don't want to overstay your welcome and want to plan a time to leave that works best for both of you? That puts you in the driver seat and maybe gives her an option to thing about and freely discuss what she wants.
I also used to avoid conversations w/ my wife due to fear and sometimes have to force myself to confront her about things. It usually ends up going better than I envision it so it has becom easier over time.
I agree 2, tell her you are happy to be their to care for her and the boys and to support her but do not want to overstay your welcome and just want to get her thoughts on it. See if you can find out where she is at regariding this.
