Also there is this Q. Should I try to contact OM's wife. I can see how it would be right to tell her. I can also see it might destroy her family. And how that would be wrong. I have enough hard evidence that makes W and OM relatiionship an EA at the least.
I'm very new to this, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt... if the 180s and changes are supposed to be for us, to make us better, how does telling the W of the OM help you or make you better??? I'm going through my W having an EA and I thought about this same thing, but every possible outcome I came up with was negative. We need to be more positive in life, not bring more negatives...
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
2. Activities with S. Park, zoo, kids museum, library.
3. Sad to say but tanning.
4. Looking for work.
Going to start attending church on Sunday. Haven't been in years except for special occasions.
I am feeling better about me and my appearance. I dress up nice each morning. The divorce diet has taken its toll and with the exercise I'm looking better than ever IMO. Glad to start getting my apetite back.
I needed clarity. Telling her would not help me at all.
It was only the fact of would I want someone to tell me? You know.
Am I obligated?
I totally agree, no good outcome. It undermines any progress I may have made. I am putting up with more bs than I thought I could or would.
I also realize I am fortunate and many others have a much worse sitch. Maybe mine will get worse but I have to commit to being the better person through it all.
I am putting up with more bs than I thought I could or would.
You will surprise yourself, if I am "reading" you correctly from your posts...and PLAN on it getting worse before it gets better, or you know you have given your all. I never thought I would be able to go through this again after W's first round of mlc....but here I am, and I ain't done yet...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well here' my .02 so take it with a grain of salt.
Tell her straight forward and honestly that you feel that she hasn't been honest with you and believe that you deserve the truth. Tell her that there were a few things that you've discovered, but are giving her the opportunity to talk to you.
She'll ask what have you found out, etc. But before she gets into that rant, hold up your hand and repeat again the above and that you deserve the truth. She could lie to you, but listen to what she says. And most importantly, do this calmly and not going off the handle.
After she's done, don't say anything. Just look at her calmly and say that you have alot to consider now. And then walk away.
Before jumping to the POTENTIAL OM's W, give your W the benefit of the doubt first.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Again thanks. For some reason I feel so much better after your posts.
I rather like the idea of being a good friend to her, since we will have a lifetime of parenting together, however things shake out.
I let my mind run rampant today. And for no good reason other than my snooping slip up.
W called earlier and talked in great length about her day b4 she asked to speak to S. I was upbeat and it was nice. In the back of my mind knowing she could be and probably is doing something with OM tonite. Something I can't control. (STOP sign)
No I have not got the job yet. They did ask me to come in and fill out some background check stuff and take some sort of computer psych test. There were no right answers. It was weird. I am optimistic.
Life is funny sometimes, I may just be doing something along the lines of your .02 tonight regarding truth...seems it may be time to stir the ol' mlc pot a bit...reviewing Cadets and HB's posts regarding stirring the pot, your posts also...my gut says it may be time.
Wish me luck...and the handle is securely welded in place...
Funny how calm things can get within.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I have done this. Similar to what you suggested. But with out the nice ending.
She tells me he is a nice guy, just friends. He is funny and fun to be around. He is married, she is married, work policy. If under different circumstances maybe.
She met with him so they could ride together to a 3 day meeting 4hrs away b/c she didn't want to drive. (I found 2 receipts for the same room on what should have been the last nite of the business meeting. This hotel was not in the same city as the meeting. One with his credit info on it, one with hers. She had pretended she was still at the business meeting hotel that nite.) She said that he called and reserved the room for her while driving and she had the bill changed the next a.m. I asked why did he even call to do that. She had no answer. She checked in at 10:30. Says he just dropped her off and drove to his house. (My fear tells me she had the bill info changed as it was company credit and the OM lives in the same town as hotel. They stayed together and banged all nite.)
Why wouldn't she just come home. Could've been here by 11:30. Why lie to me about your whereabouts. Why be in one place and say you are in another...no answers except b/c I would be suspicious.
I have been very confident in my relationship until this point. Never thought of her fooling around. Not a jealous H. We had frank talks about it during our M. If either was tempted, just tell the other they want out. I guess she did tell me she wants out with ILYBNILWY.
She goes on to tell me that they did go to the bar one nite, after a dinner with coworkers, instead of going to the hotel like everyone else.
At first it was she has nothing to tell or hide. Then a little. Then more. I went into it ok but ended up dragging it out of her.
I thanked her for the honesty, but thought her a liar and a slut and said I hated her for what she had done. She said that it was not an A. Even if it was it was, it would be a result of our problems, not the cause.
I did NOT "fly off the handle", throwing stuff, and road cussing her like the child in me wanted to do. I was quite calm and cold. My parting statements are something I will forever regret. I so wish I would have handled it like your post reads. Or maybe not at all.
My words cut her deeply and she says after her nervous laugh "you will EAT those words."
I decided I should leave. Go somewhere. Anywhere. I started packing some clothes. It was near midnite at this point. As I get ready to walk out she says don't leave. It's what I wanted to hear so I stayed.
We have not talked about leave, stay, D, work on it, since.
She needs time. I need time.
I should have just thanked her for telling me. It has to be hard to admit the lies. She did what I wanted her to do. It was not what I wanted to hear and she painted it in an innocent light, but it was some form of coming clean. And she had been so strong to tell me ILYBut just a short time before. It is brutal honesty to tell a spouse that. It must be hard.
Thinking back I dragged the ILYBNILWY out of her.
She doesn't want to hurt me. I am realizing that now. It hurts anyway.
I told her I was sorry for name calling. (I truely am. I have never resorted to that before. She has always been a "good-girl" in my eyes and have treated her as such.)
If you are not ready to hear the truth, I don't recommend asking!
I think the key to the confrontation is knowing your own fault in the A. Owning it.
I was doing good. In fact feeling releived to hear some truths. I was getting a reason why she was not in love anymore. It was OM.
It was the sting of her saying I had my own part in the A. If I had been better then...she wouldn't need a OM. At that moment the finger squarely pointed at me. It was real and it hurt. Shame.
