It's crazy how things seemed to happen over nite. Not so long ago we were saying ILY, hugging, kissing, talking about another baby. W insisting that I get a new wedding band (my fingers have gotten a little fatter and I wasn't wearing it every day b/c it cut off circulation).
This was all happening right up until I exposed my hurt feelings (and tried to hurt her back if I'm being honest), accused her of cheating, name calling, begging, persuing, snooping, threatening to leave, etc., that things got all out of whack. That is on ME. I can see now that she wasn't DONE at ILYB, she was done when I did what LBSers tend to do.
I miss her so much. It is hard to be strong. I want to just grab her up, hold her, stare into her eyes, share a passionate kiss. Ok back to the real world.
I can't help but wonder how she can just turn off a switch. That's my problem. I wonder too much.
I wonder why she keeps her phone on vibrate. Why it is always in her pocket.
But then again she is not on the phone, or computer in a manner that makes me suspicious. I have never seen her ignore a call. She told me that she is not and has not been unfaithful... in any way. My heart believes her. My head swims.
One second I think I truly have made up the whole A thing. She is a good woman. She asked me to ask her to marry. We had a pact that we would always be faithful. That we would NEVER have an A. And that was her terms. She said she would cut off my junk.
Then I think, why so much smoke? Where is the fire. Don't be stupid.
I have my good days and I have these days. Tomorrow will be different. It always is.
We had an ok weekend. No arguing. No backsliding outwardly. Only my mind. She just seemed more distant. I don't know why I find myself consumed wondering what's going on at this moment.
I just miss the physical intamacy. Not just ML, but laying on the couch together, holding her hand, playing with her hair. The small stuff I took for granted.
Alright I'm done. STOP sign. Thanks for listening.
I understand where you are coming from where one day you're kissing and talking about the future and then the next day...bam it's all gone. My H was talking about having kids and moving only 6 months ago. Now, he has been living in his own apt for 5 weeks with little to no contact with me. He did have OW (maybe still does), so that makes our situation harder for me.
I also miss the little things that I now know I took for granted like laying on the couch and watching our TV shows and the simplicity of saying good night to each other every night. It makes me cry just thinking about that right now.
It's funny how you mention the wedding band, too, because my H for our 5 year wedding anniversary bought me another wedding band (that was just this past August). He knew I wanted another one, but said the nicest things when he gave it to me. How times have changed...now I can't get him to send me a simple text.
Hang in there...hopefully things will get better! Things can only go up right??
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Your empathy makes me feel alot better. If it weren't for you folks I would be so lost. It's nice to vent to strangers who I feel are good friends. Thanks everybody.
You are still way too attached and it will continue to hurt you and cloud your judgment. When you feel ^^^^^^ those feelings you have to start trying to handle them and not let them linger. I used to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I had those thoughts.
Really detachment is your best friend. I am not going to try to convince you your w is having an affair. How bout lets just say she is no longer committed to your m and making choices that are best for her instead for you both and for the m.
You have accept that reality and find detachment or you will continue to spin your wheels and be a victim of this circumstance rather than taking charge of it yourself.
Control yourself and you will be the master of your own destiny.
Detach.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I left W a card (offering my sympathy for the loss of her mother this day last year) this morning before I left to take S to karate. It was a simple card and I didn't write anything extra. She hasn't acknowledged it and has left it on the kitchen counter, unopened I presume.
For a moment I allowed myself to wonder why. Then I remembered no expectations. I have done a nice gesture. I feel good about myself. So I will just leave it at that. Besides, what did I expect her reaction to be anyways?
We are booking flights to go back home in a few weeks for a short trip. It should be interesting to see how she interacts with family around. I am excited about going home, and seeing family. I am optimistic that it will be a fun trip.
We were talking rather nicely and I was feeling comfortable. I told her I love her, I miss her, I want to be there for her, can she forgive me, can we work on a new R, forget the past and move forward.
W reciprocated none of my feelings. In fact, she rolled her eyes a couple times. She said she could tell I was trying, but it was too little, too late. Why didn't I do it two years ago. Why did it have to go this far for me to listen to her. She has reached her breaking point. And that point had been reached even before we moved. That she hoped the move and fresh start could heal our R. But it only made it worse. She has no feelings for me. Not that way. Its just not there.
I listened and validated without defending myself or trying to convince her that her feelings were wrong. I am not proud of myself for introducing this conversation, but I am proud of how I handled the sting.
I naively thought I could frankly and honestly tell her my feelings and she would be glad to hear it. WRONG. I just cemented her feelings of nothingness.
She said she didn't have a plan to leave, but it was on her to do list. She did not have a place to go to. She did not have a timeline in which to find one. That she would not be taking very much. Her clothes, a couple pieces of antique furniture from her grandmother, the wall decor, some cookware.
I am a little depressed. But I know I will be ok. I asked for this. I needed a stutus check. All in all it went well. I mean we were able to discuss some tough stuff without anger.
I still have hope. But I have no expectation. I do not expect she will change her mind.
FWIW, though our sitches are probably based on different motivations... my W said the same things back in Nov and Dec...she is still here, and things SEEM to be progressing positively...
Quote:
She said she could tell I was trying, but it was too little, too late. Why didn't I do it two years ago. Why did it have to go this far for me to listen to her. She has reached her breaking point. And that point had been reached even before we moved. That she hoped the move and fresh start could heal our R.
Projection, rationalization, imho, and lacking understanding that "there" is no different than "here", because once you arrive at or go "there", it becomes "here"...if you bring the same "self" from "here" to "there".
She had a role in this, she is avoiding that reality, easier to throw poo than look in the mirror. Until she looks at her role, its limbo-land.
Grit has good advice, and your W isnt in mlc-crazy-reality-done-went-buh-bye mode, so what might be working for me may not apply in your sitch.
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm doing ok. Just thought I was somehow better than everyone else I guess. The DB rules don't apply to me or something. This is a long haul. No definite outcome of the future.
I just want to raise our S together more than anything.
Truthfully, I am no longer "in love" with this woman anymore. Haven't been for a good while. However I do love her more than at any point in the past. This has always been true. My love has grown a little each day. That "in love" feeling is nothing more than lust IMO. That fades. It is not real. It is a chemical reaction.
Enough of that.
I know what I have to do. Keep the focus on me. Do things that make me happy. Leave her the he!! alone. That is what she has asked for. I'm listening. I just don't always do what I know I should do. I will.
