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#2222066 - 02/15/12 02:56 AM She loves me not
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
So here is my sitch and history.

Married 6yrs 5yr old son. Both of us have divorced parents. Me 33 W 28. We swore to each other to always be faithful and we could work thru the rest.

Her mother died about a yr ago from cancer. 4 months ago she got a promotion that required us to move far away from family and sell our house. Me and S stayed behind for a while to quit my job, pack our house, get it ready for sale.

Me and S get to new location. We live in a hotel for 2 weeks waiting on the movers to deliver our stuff but that’s another story. We are from the country and we move to a major metro area. Not my style at all. Getting a city job with my country skills is proving to be difficult.

Well we get settled in and this new job is not what either of us thought it would be. She is compensated well but is working crazy hours. Stays at hotels an avg of 2 days a week. When she’s home she leaves at 8ish. Gets home at 6 some days but mostly after 8. And then she works on the computer till after midnite, I have some job offers but none fit into our schedule. I have to be available to drop-off and pick-up S every day from daycare. All she has to do is go to work and come home. I am taking care of the rest.

I was bitter and a jerk towards her. She has not said thanks or good job for anything I have done lately. I gave up everything to make her happy with a new job. Because I felt she deserved something good to happen to her after the year she was having. Then 1-16-12 the bomb drops. I love you but not in love with you.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2222651 - 02/16/12 01:32 PM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
KarenR Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 477
Hi there,
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I hope you can talk to a DB coach, because this is the type of situation that they can help you figure out how to do things differently to get a different response from her. It is not only important for the relationship, but for your son. There is a wonderful coach still available today, if you call me I can give you details. Take care. Karen
_________________________
Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.

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#2222699 - 02/16/12 04:19 PM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
31nheartbroken Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 137
Hi there pulpwood,

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. It's sounds like you have a pretty full plate and now it seems like it just got more full. Unfortunately, you have a pretty long road ahead of you, so start learning to be patient NOW!! This is a great support group and there will be lots of great feedback. You are definately not alone in this sitch. We are all struggling together.

The following 'rules' are credited to Sandi2 (someone who successfully reconciled her M.. read her threads). They seem to be completely opposite of our instincts, and that's kinda the point. This will be the hardest thing you will ever have to endure, and as they say on here: this is a marathon, not a sprint. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

If you haven't yet you should really get and read DB and DR books. They are very helpful!

You may as well sit back and get as comfortable as possible because this is gonna be the craziest rollercoaster ride of your life!
_________________________
Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!

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#2222726 - 02/16/12 06:20 PM Re: She loves me not [Re: 31nheartbroken]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
Thanks for the support.

I have seen a lot of great info on here. Been lurking quite a bit. I found DR within 2 days of the bomb. Started working on me right then. Realized i was doing all the wrong things. I'm doing much better on me now.

I did screw up major 10 days ago. I was seeing improvments. But I had to go make things worse. I was snooping for an affair because the all knowing internet said all the signs are there. Well I found evidence. Nothing concrete but lies and fishy behaviors. She rode 4hrs to a 2 day meeting with a male coworker. Lied to me and told me she drove there herself. Well my demons got the best of me and I confronted her. I had to drag it out of her but she told me yes she did and in fact drove an hour out of the way to meet him at a hotel parking lot no less. A hotel in which she stayed at the night she got back from her meeting and he dropped her off. However the reciept was in his name. He and his wife live in this town. Anyway she said he is just a nice guy, she didn't want to drive, and nothing is going on. I'm crazy and she is done, DONE.

I call her a liar and pack my stuff. She stops me, thank GOD. I stay and now here I am. I have done nothing to get off DB program since but not seeing improvments. She is cold and has taken off her ring. We only talk about S and work.

She did call me during the middle of the day a couple days ago to tell me some exciting news at work. Someone under her stealing stuff and she found the evidence. She was very excited and I just listened. It was nice.

So I know I have screwed up and how that behavior sets you back. lesson learned. I have stopped snooping. It only hurts me. No need to torment myself. She left Mon for meeting and be back Fri night. I call her in a.m. so S can say good morning. She calls right at bed time to tell S good night. That has been the extent of it this week. S always says here you wanna talk to dad. S we talk for just a second. I say have a nice day or whatever in my upbeat voice . She says ok in her depressed one.

I had a great interview today. Didn't tell her about it although I wanted to call her so bad. Should know by Mon if I got the job.

Been working out and feeling better about myself. Getting the guns and abs back in working order. Havn't been eating much or sleeping either. Depression I know. Doing my best to snap out of it.

I have been very thankful for what I do have lately. My eyes are open now. That feels great. To be aware.

She has not said that she wants a divorce. We still live together. These are good things. I need to get ahead of this thing. Start being the man I used to be. I am well on my way.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2222767 - 02/16/12 09:41 PM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
My wife did not call tonite. Bedtime for S is at 9. She has always called before. Hope nothing is wrong. She is due back from a meeting tomorrow nite. I did not call her. Not sure if I did wrong or right. Any suggestions? Oh she just called as I'm typing this. She asked what is S doing. I said he's been in bed since 9. (Its 9:35 now.) She says ohhhh. Why didn't you call so he could say goodnite? I said well you always call so I figured you were busy. She said have him call me in the morning. I say ok goodbye.
I was very pleasant and upbeat.

So how do I handle these situations? Should I have called? I am trying the LRT. I think I handled it the right way. S did not say hey lets call mom. If he would have then we would. What do ya'll think? Is it some kind of test?
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2222884 - 02/17/12 07:29 AM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Originally Posted By: Pulp
Anyway she said he is just a nice guy, she didn't want to drive, and nothing is going on. I'm crazy and she is done, DONE.


Does she still say she is done?

I am going to say that usually in these situations where there is smoke there is fire.

She lied to you. That in itself is not part of a healthy relationship.

Would you do that?

Are you crazy for thinking that honesty and forthrightness should be part of a healthy M?

She is not going to admit to an affair.

Other man Nice guy? Not f@cking likely.

I am not trying to stir this up I am preparing you for the most likely scenario.

Originally Posted By: Pulp
Start being the man I used to be. I am well on my way.


This is where to put your effort.

Also. If there is an affair. Do you want to save your M?

Why?
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2222916 - 02/17/12 10:03 AM Re: She loves me not [Re: Truegritter]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
TG - if there is an affair? Hmmm. Been thinking about that alot. More than I'd like to. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I would like to save my M for S. That is the right thing to do as we are always civil and have NEVER argued in front of him. All is still healthy in the parenting category I think.

As for saving it for me and if it is even possible. Still thinking on that one. I always thought no. Affair would be the last straw. A line in the sand. Now I feel so much hurt when I allow myself. Just got to put that out of my mind for now. It's the only way I can stay sane. I'm not snooping. I will have to deal with that if it comes to light as many on here have said it will. My logic says there is something to it. My heart says no she is a good woman, he is ugly, too old (45ish), and gross. My wife is a knock-out and could do WAY better than that.

I know this man has been at the same meeting all week. She has not mentioned him and I have asked nothing. And I do mean nothing.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2223139 - 02/17/12 11:09 PM Re: She loves me not [Re: Truegritter]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
So wife got home tonite at 10:00. She walks in carrying 4 wii games. S has been in bed but comes in to greet her. He says "wow mom where did you get all those games." She says "well moms friend gave them to me to give to you. His little boy didn't want them anymore."

She told me she was in a meeting all week. This dude brings gifts for my son to a business meeting? Maybe she has been to his house. Who knows. Not me.
Grrr.

Kids are generally good natured but I have not known many to give up toys easily. Most kids know you can take old games to the game store and trade em in.

This strikes me as way weird. Anyone else?

S shows them to me cause he's all pumped up. I act excited with him.

Nothing is said between me and W. I bite my lip. I never let on that this upset me. She goes to the bedroom after she gets him back in bed. I doubt I will see her again tonite. Tomorrow is a new day. I am proud I did not make a deal out of this or even address it as I would surely feel like and be a true A$$

Maybe I am going crazy. Paranoid.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2223409 - 02/19/12 11:08 AM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 181
We went to the park with S yesterday. I asked him if he wanted to go and well she just kinda invited herself. Thats good though cause it means i didn't have to invite. It was the first time we have all been in the same car since holiday traveling. She talked the whole ride there about her troubles at work. The old me would have tried to offer solutions to all her problems. I just listened. It caused me some anxiety in the old days to hear her get all wraped up in her problems. Now that I am understanding better it is nice to just listen. Thats all she ever wanted anyway.

The park was fun for S. He had a great time. Me and w. Well it was a little strained. At one point I sat down on a bench. She chose to sit down on the opposite end. She was so talkative on the way over but very quiet the rest of the night.

I have noticed she is wearing a ring on her left ring finger. It is one she had made for her mom. It looks similar to a wedding band. Don't know if this means anything at all.

I am proud of me. I wanted to backslide bad. Check on our status. I had a nice glass of STFU. Feeling great about that today as I could be here beating myself up about losing any amount of progress I have made.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2223535 - 02/20/12 07:53 AM Re: She loves me not [Re: pulpwood]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Pulp

Not sure I understand fully where she is.

She is still saying she is done?

I wouldn't read anything into the ring thing other than if she is not wearing her wedding band that to me is a sign she is not ready to commit to repairing your M.

As far as the games did she tell you they came from this dude?

Also it doesn't matter how old he is or attractive he is.

Don't let that fool you. WAW sometimes find A partners WAY below what you might think as suitable for them.

One thing is for sure. She is not going to come back into the M or want to work on it until the A is over.

If she is having one.

There is a time for converations about your M and what to do about it together. It is typically not when we desire to have them which is now when you feel it is falling apart.

It likely took her a while to make this choice and it is not going to change on your timeline.

You pressing her on your agenda will likely be seen as just tha,t

Pressuring her for your needs and agenda.

Thus the advice given here to work on the only thing you can control.

YOU.

That said I think I would say and live these words:

"W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be."

This OM is in your life Pulp whether she admits he is or not.

He is person you don't know who is giving your W attention and even gifts.

Once you say to her the words above then you must live them.

As far as the games go, Pulp how did it make you feel when she did this?

Is that a decision you feel should have been a joint one? To give S the games? To accept a gift from someone on behalf of your family and son?

Gifts are either gifts or they come with obligations or intentions attached to them.

What do you think about this?

Me? I probably would have said BEFORE giving them to son that I appreciate this man's generosity and would like the opportunity meet him and thank him...

...then give him the games back.

I think I would still do that even though she already gave them to son.

What if it were reversed? Would you accept a gift from a woman to bring home to your family? A woman your W didn't know? From work?

Do you think your W would appreciate that?
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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