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#2224593 - 02/23/12 11:13 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Rick you're out 'spreading the love' today on the board...

How's life in Boston??
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2224614 - 02/24/12 07:38 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: purgatory]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Rick, you went a whole day without posting. You OK, my friend?
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2224651 - 02/24/12 10:27 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Rick you're out 'spreading the love' today on the board...

How's life in Boston??


I have a lot on my mind recently. I'll post my thoughts. It seems like everyone else has had so much trauma the past few days and I wanted to be sure I could help somehow. Thanks Purg.

That 8 yr old kid breaks my heart. Imagine how his Mom must feel seeing him from her porch and not being able to go to him. Alcohol does so much damage, but really its the original pain underneath it that drives these sitches.

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#2224652 - 02/24/12 10:29 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: labug
Rick, you went a whole day without posting. You OK, my friend?


I think so. Actually I did get hurt. I pushed too hard in yoga and have been having back spasms so I've been walking around like "yoda", all bent over and twisted. Nicde image huh?

Thanks for asking chipotlebug

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#2224658 - 02/24/12 11:04 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Since I had the long conversation with my W the morning after my son's party I have had a lot on my mind, and needing time to sort it all out. A back injury from yoga has slowed me down a bit too but expect to be back at it by tomorrow.

I've been following Barely's and Brklyn's sitches and for whatever reasons their comments and thoughts resonate with me too, as well as Bug telling me I need and should take care of myself too.

In addition I have been reading the No More Mr Nice Guy (I can't say or write this without hearing Alice Cooper in my mind) and been reflecting on my wild childhood. I'm connecting the dots from then to now and seeing some patterns and habits that got me to great places. I also see one big "paradigm" as the book calls it that insidiously made its way into how I responded in my M.

I was one of those classic cases of a kid who through organized programs - sports, martial arts, and caring adults made it out of the streets and gained entry into the mainstream world. I got out of the underworld, became a straight A student, earned scholarships and paid the rest of the way through school myself, raised my boys, etc. What I have discovered is that I buried a sense of not being worthy to be in this type of world, not being loveable enough. In effect I realized I felt like I was an imposter in a world that I was not meant to be in. And I overcompensated and became the endless giver, caretaker, enabler. I put up with so much that I should not have because deep down I didn't realize I had more value than that. So while I could take on the corporate world and thrive, reach great heights in the martial arts world, and reach all these outside successes I didn't do that inside.

I've been thinking a lot about how i deserve fulfillment in a relationship, that I have value just by being me, not only wrapped up in what I can give or do for others, or provide. I have been realizing that I deserve to and can be happy going forward with or without my W. Oddly, while I think a D is a horrible tragedy I am no longer afraid that I won't be fulfilled going forward.

As for my W, she continues to go at her issues. After our post party discussion I think she may be approaching things with more of an attitude that extreme change in a R can be for the good which has been my attitude but not hers.

I basically told her that I'm not afraid of eruptions in a M so long as they are used to make our lives better, that I'm going forward with the attitude that this entire sitch if used to better ourselves could erase the problems of the past and make our M better. I also told her that the only kind of realtionship I'm going to be in is with two mature adults, equal partners and not dependent.

The train has left the station for me and I hope she can join me. I do think she might be seeing that she is going to have to kick herself in the a$$ her life or our M is going to work. She's been very close the past few days and it might mean she is acting on the positive things she has been saying recently.

Talking to the incredibly strong woman on this board has made me realize how amazing a strong woman is and how great it can be to have a loving partner like this. This sitch has been invaluable to me retooling how I will live.

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#2224800 - 02/24/12 10:43 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Great insight, Rick. It's like peeling the layers of an onion, don't you think. As we learn more about ourselves, more twists and turns in our road forward are revealed.

A bit of a mixed metaphor but I think it makes sense.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2224827 - 02/25/12 03:51 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: labug]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
rick.. it sounds like the tides are changing..

reading your post today made me think of my own childhood.

long story short.. i had a screwed up childhood. some very good memories, but definitely some memories that i would rather forget. i think i also went through that stage of never feeling quite good enough. and at the beginning of all this, i questioned, why wasn't i good enough? why aren't the kids and i enough?

but like you, i'm learning.. H's actions speak more about him then they do about me. because i am lovable. yes i have faults, but i am willing to admit that and try to become a better person.

you are an amazing father. your kids.. though crazy.. sound pretty incredible too. and that is a reflection of you. i hope your wife sees all that you are soon.. because it saddens me to think that if she doesn't, she may come to regret it later in life. and we all know all those i should haves, i could haves can be so painful.

(((((( rick ))))))

ps. i was checking your post everyday (usually late at night on my iphone) but wanted to wait until i had some real time to write! also.. i had eggplant yesterday and couldn't help laughing to myself. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2224913 - 02/25/12 12:02 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: barely floating
rick.. it sounds like the tides are changing..

reading your post today made me think of my own childhood.

long story short.. i had a screwed up childhood. some very good memories, but definitely some memories that i would rather forget. i think i also went through that stage of never feeling quite good enough. and at the beginning of all this, i questioned, why wasn't i good enough? why aren't the kids and i enough?

but like you, i'm learning.. H's actions speak more about him then they do about me. because i am lovable. yes i have faults, but i am willing to admit that and try to become a better person.

you are an amazing father. your kids.. though crazy.. sound pretty incredible too. and that is a reflection of you. i hope your wife sees all that you are soon.. because it saddens me to think that if she doesn't, she may come to regret it later in life. and we all know all those i should haves, i could haves can be so painful.

(((((( rick ))))))

ps. i was checking your post everyday (usually late at night on my iphone) but wanted to wait until i had some real time to write! also.. i had eggplant yesterday and couldn't help laughing to myself. smile


Barely, so glad to hear from you and happy that I could be part of your dining experience yesterday!

Its hard to think you would question your own value. I can clearly see what kind of person you are and how fortunate your H and kids are to have you. Knowing what you are and what you are going through makes me think about M in and of itself. How does one S miss what is so obvious? I think about it and I guess that's what married couples do, they are like a mirror for the other, and I guess go through life experiences at the expense of the other when things are bad, and grow and bring out the best in the other when things are good.

I realize that both contribute to the dynamic that lead to the RAS (run away spouse). The RAS is more often than not running from their own issues, more than they are running for us. If I could talk to your H I would tell him he must be out of his mind. But, sadly, that is kind of what is going on.

You say the tide is changing. I think so too. It's more the tide in me that is changing and I'm questioning so much of what I'm doing right now. I hearing in my mind an old song that said "I've got one foot on a banana peel, the other in the twilight zone". That's kind of how I'm feeling right now, very torn between staying the course for my M and accepting the incredbily tough trauma of it as this moves forward, and between moving forward alone and possibly destroying a family. The questions is really hard and there's so many factors to weight into this.

Barely, I'm not the dependent type but I will say detaching is not just a matter of saying, okay I'm detached and moving on. I truly gave my soul and life to this woman and the road back to being me for just me is like pulling apart a material that has been woven together, has to be pulled apart thread by thread. I'm not the needy type but I have learned a lot about needing to remember my own value.

Your messages to me really make my day and provide a jolt of strength just at the right time. I see your comment...long story short....about your childhood. I would actually like to hear the long version sometime.

Hope you have a great weekend banana....I'm kind of open ended this weekend....got injured so doing a very backed off version of yoga...maybe watch some movies and definitely do some reading. What about you?

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#2224951 - 02/25/12 02:59 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
BklynMom Online   content
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1594
hey Rick, I am still waiting for my copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy - (Thanks for putting the song in my head) Your description of the classic Mr. Nice Guy is my H. I wish I could give him the book but I know I cant! ugh!!

I really relate to what you said about not being dependent or needy. I feel very independent and I feel like from a financial & overall survival view I will be fine. I am coming to understand being co-dependent differently. Its more like thriving on your partners approval or on their predicatable response to our self destructive behavior (or something like that I am still trying to figure it out)

I like what you said about mirror each other as well.

Enjoy your day bumming around the house, which is what I am doing. Cooking a little, playing with the kids, checking the boards, cleaning up messes...
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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#2224961 - 02/25/12 03:54 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: BklynMom]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
hey Rick, I am still waiting for my copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy - (Thanks for putting the song in my head) Your description of the classic Mr. Nice Guy is my H. I wish I could give him the book but I know I cant! ugh!!


I can understand how it will be tough to broach this topic with your H. When I first heard about the book my reaction to it was "no way this is me"! I thought it was gonna be a bunch of wimp stories. Maybe you could take some of the key points out of it and just sort of weave it into a conversation
with your H. You know, like "I have been looking at what the dynamic was between us and this is how I contributed to things that were good and things that were tough. I'm seeing my contribution to this sitch clearly and have thought about you and how you might be feeling and why. I'm not telling you that I know all of your feelings for sure. I think that I came across this way and you would be very non-confrontational. That created a dynamic of non-communication. Maybe we should try discussing our issues where you let me know exactly how you feel on things and I'll be better able to rerspond and discuss them with you more rationally......



I really relate to what you said about not being dependent or needy. I feel very independent and I feel like from a financial & overall survival view I will be fine. I am coming to understand being co-dependent differently. Its more like thriving on your partners approval or on their predicatable response to our self destructive behavior (or something like that I am still trying to figure it out)

If you think about it we are in the midst of a huge wake-up call about being in co-dependent or needy sitches. And its not just our WAS's. We may be handling this sitch a trillion times better than our S's but I'm sure we both have had our eyes opened to how you can become needy and dependent on things based out a habits developed from when we were very young, stuff we were not even consiously aware of. Maybe this is like a stage many M's reach.....like we break out of a shell and become a butterfly (I hope that doesnlt come across as too gay). A necessary stage in our growth.

I like what you said about mirror each other as well.

Enjoy your day bumming around the house, which is what I am doing. Cooking a little, playing with the kids, checking the boards, cleaning up messes...


Yeah me too. Talk to you soon!

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