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#2224330 - 02/23/12 01:42 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19081
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
I don't understand why your xh had to rush out and get crutches and a wheelchair since you do not know when you are to go to the Shriner's Hospital. BTW, that is a very good hospital. The equipment could have been rented at CVS or at a local hospital supply store. Also, your daughter may be provided with crutches after her surgery that will be "fitted" to her particular height and needs. It does sound like he's trying to help with the co-parenting, but he needs to slow down and wait and see what transpires w/the surgery, i.e., as to what your daughter will require in the way of equipment when she returns home.

I would venture to say that your xh was having a tense outing today and the OW being along just wasn't helping the situation at all. I can just imagine him being possessive over the bedding. He purchased it, therefore, he owns it and doesn't want you to keep it. Keep in mind...it's a possession of his.

You are not a fool...don't ever say that. You know exactly what you've been dealing with...PA behavior and trust me, he will get back into that mode again very soon.

It's difficult to say whether there are any OPs that are just as nice and decent as we are. We don't know what our spouses have told them about us and the situation...most don't want to be bothered w/the children.

Kimmerz, your daughter will be in good hands. You need to now focus on her and be sure that you take care of yourself as well. Keep all of your focus on your child...she needs your complete and undivided attention in the days to come.

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#2224338 - 02/23/12 02:06 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
tested metal Offline
Member

Registered: 07/23/11
Posts: 330
Loc: ND
Kimmerz,

During my lengthy drive to a client's home today I had the same question. I then looked over my past interactions with my W before the S, and realized that since I graduated and got job, I have been irritable and anxious, because I was putting stress and expectations on myself that I thought others were putting on me. The thing is, they weren't. I am realizing that now and relaxing more.

The sad thing is that I started my job and got married in the same week. So maybe, W is not in MLC? I don't know. I still think her choices of handling the switch was horrible and her choice in the guy to replace me is downright disgusting, but those are her choices and I put myself in this position, or at least played a part in it.

I know that we both had some PA behaviors, but I have noticed mine now and have stopped it.

This is my sitch and may not apply to you. I just wanted you to know that I had that exact same question today and now I come home and see it on your thread. Amazing!

It's nice to know that we are not alone.

Good luck with your daughter and remember to forgive yourself if you find doubts about yourself, H, or OW. It's only human.
_________________________
M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12

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#2224395 - 02/23/12 12:48 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
4myfamily Offline
Member

Registered: 03/12/08
Posts: 64
Loc: SE Asia
Quote:
Im curious. ARe any of these OP that shack up with these MLCers nice, decent, and good people? ARe they as caring and loving as the LBS's are?


Well you are a nice person: would you get involved with a married man/woman and help to destroy their family? Or would you expect someone who claims to be in an unhappy relationship to finish it first if it was so bad, (do the right and moral thing, act with integrity) and then start looking?

The OP is usually very needy and or a rescuer.

To be fair my wife has just had a brief relationship terminated because my son told the OM a few truths about his mother, she had obviously lied to her OM. Poor guy has just divorced his wife because of: yes you guessed, infidelity.

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#2224407 - 02/23/12 01:41 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: 4myfamily]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
I think what bothers me the most is that xh told me very little about this OW and their relationship and just claimed she was a friend all along. And that nothing really started until after he moved out. Yet when you look back at history there was an emotional affair with them for years. What I dont know is what happened the last time he left me 2 years ago between those two. He was gone for 2 days and then came back crying wanting to try. He appeared depressed and sad, and I had a feeling he went running to her and she turned him down or something.

But I don't believe him ( that nothing was ever happening between them) and I told him that. He said that he can understand how I would feel that way given her xh shot him thinking they were having an affair.

That's the only explanation I got. Maybe I should've pressed for more questions. His explanation when he admitted he had been seeing her for almost 2 months was that they'd been friends forever and this was just something new. When I asked him how long he was in love with her, he couldn't answer. When I asked him if he'd marry her, he replied pretty intensely "F***NO!!!....OMG....NO!" I told him it looked kinda weird given he'd only been on his own 2 months and he moved her right in. He got defensive and said " Well it didn't exactly happen like that!"

I just don't know what's the truth, what's a lie, what's a PA move or what. Im the type of person that wants answers and I never got them. But even if I pressed on he wouldn't have answered!
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2224410 - 02/23/12 01:51 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19081
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
You will never get the correct answer to your questions about your xh and the ow. The op was most likely waiting in the wings and yes, maybe it did start out as a friendship and went on to an EA before becoming a PA. Who knows what actually transpired between the two of them after your xh was shot. This action may be brought them even closer...we just don't know.

This is one area of concern that you are going to have to let go. Maybe in time, the answers will come, but I wouldn't hold my breath on it. The spouses are not always forthcoming when it comes to their relationships w/the ops and the story will change each time to suit them as well as to tell you what they think you want to hear.

I've been exactly where you are in sitting and thinking about the relationship. You may never get the answers you are looking for and by trying to figure it out, it will drive you crazy. Oh, him saying that he would never marry here...I've heard that one too. Some do and some don't marry the op.

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#2224540 - 02/24/12 01:06 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3050
Hey Kimmerz. You are torturing yourself at the moment. To be expected, but let me help you for a second:

Are the OM/OW decent people. Some likely are. They can be lied to just like others. Are most of them? Who cares? They are not what caused the spouse to leave. The spouse did.

Ever hear that perspective is important? In my case, I noticed I was looking at things wrong. I looked at it as this other guy taking my place. Silly me, he can't. But my kids get two dads! Lucky kids smile How does that apply to you? Is fighting what is helpful? Are you hanging on to things you should not?

I'm guessing so by the questions you are asking.

I know it's frustrating. I know you have tons of questions and when you start to get your wobbly legs on solid ground and under you, the spouse may come along and knock them right out from you. If you let them.

But the key is in you. As you find it and figure it out, you'll see things much more differently. The sadness will start to ebb away and you'll realize what a great person you are compared to anyone. You'll realize you have your opinions and it's ok to share them. You'll realize you were living under a shadow for longer than you may have realized. You became accustomed to it, but it's not to say that's right or a good way to live.

You'll see smile

Stay focused on the things you can do and can control. Stay focused on what's important and your ex is not important to your life nor your girls right now. He may never be, but that's his issue to deal with. Let him do it his way. You can't change it anyway....

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2224601 - 02/24/12 04:58 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: AJM]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Im taking my D up to the hospital 6 hours away for an evaluation and they may do surgery tomorrow.

Xh will be coming up with OW if this is the case. He's been very good the past few days and has gone into mother hen mode with D9. He is now acting like the man I remembered him to be for the most part, yet I've seen him switch personalities on me 3 times today... and these were in person this time.

We had been texting on and off quite heavily in regards to D9 and her conidtion this afternoon and how to handle it. He was very normal, open and friendly. He's dived into this, read up on it, and is already trying to figure out how we're going to take care of her after surgery. I came home and found out we had to get her into the hospital tomorrow and ended up calling him. The first time we spoke on the phone since a year or so. However his tone was very cold and a bit hostile when speaking to me. I was a bit suprised given he seemed so nice and caring via text just minutes earlier. Very few words from him.. He agreed to bring the kids home as they were visiting with him and we'd decide what to do from there.

Then he brought ths girls home an hour later and is a completely different person....the man I used to know, my old friend, and the good guy I rememberd him to be. He's been nice via text since.


Yes Im very clear on how looking at things in different perspectives changes everything. I was doing a very good job of that up until he and I resumed communication after a 3 month hiatus. Why? Because dealing with an x spouse that is switching moods and attitudes like he does is exhausting and tries my very patience! I got into the habit of allowing myself to give my personal power to him in order to live my life around his moods swings. Im now realizing that. What I mean by personal power is that his moods were so sour at home for so long, I was constantly in a mental state of trying to figure out how to not upset him, or how I could make him happy. It was always about him and I always took the blame for not being able to fix it. Well during the 3 months hiatus from communcation, I started to get my power back! I knew I could live alone and be happy and I could raise my girls without his communication! Then when communication starts again, it's the same old mood swings. I decided I was not going to fight with him, keep my boundaries, and yet still be kind. WEll it's the harest thing to do when all you want to do is just choke them, especially when they're snapping attitude one minute then sweet the next.


I do feel switched out. It hurts that he grew closer to her and pulled away from me.

What really hurts the most is me thinking that he did still love me, but he really didn't. He loved someone else. That's what kills me.

At anyrate I gotta go to bed and get my baby up to the hospital. Im leaving at 3 a.m.

Thank you for all the well wishes.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2224631 - 02/24/12 01:31 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19081
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
I hope that everything goes well today and your daughter's surgery takes place w/o a hitch. I'll be thinking of you and your family today. Please let us know how she does.

As for your xh, do what you need to do to get through this time. Once your daughter is home and recovered, go back to as little contact as possible.

Take care.

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#2225006 - 02/26/12 01:51 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hello Everyone,

My daughter had an operation yesterday afternoon and was released today. WE're back home and she's on the road to recovery. She's already feeling alot better and the orginal pain is gone. The new pain is in the incision site but is just sore and she doesn't seem to be in pain.

Thank you for all your concern. It was pretty emotional for us. Xh was there and didn't bring OW after all. Was so glad.Never was so happy to see his face as I was when he walked into the pre op room. D9 was getting scared and emotional and I was too. When she left for surgery we both cried! We got along fine, almost like nothing ever happened between us. Pretty amazing how the love of your children can make the most stubborn and petty (me and xh) pull their heads out of their butts and forget about such things, and focus on what really matters. Think a little healing was going for all 4 of us yesterday as we all spent time as a family. Though the circumstances were scary, it was so nice to be together again all 4 of us.

At any rate thanks for everything guys!
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2225018 - 02/26/12 03:45 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Kimmerz,

Did you file or he? Sorry but I get the impression from your post you hope some sort of reconnection is taking place. It's a given your D wants and needs her daddy now but don't let your desires for a reunited family override your sensibilities.

Have no expectations.p
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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