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#2224115 - 02/22/12 01:02 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: 2thepoint]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2571
Loc: Piney Land
2 I don't thinku have him fooled. I know you are here because you have realized You need changing. I think u like many of us struggle in getting to the next phase.Consistency will get us there. Glad iW s feeling better
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2224128 - 02/22/12 01:43 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: Rick1963]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey 2, this path isn't linear at all, Don't let the unfortunate bounces through you. Both you & W have long-term habits that take time and effort to change. You've got a head start on your wife on the willingness to look at your unproductive habits and change them. It seems she only starting to find the willingness to look and try.

As you know it isn't easy so patience continues to be critical.

Hope you have a good day.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2224133 - 02/22/12 02:01 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9135
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hey 2, she just came through a very difficult time, you all did, and everyone is bound to be a little (or maybe a lot) off for a while. I would guess it will take her 3-6 months to feel "back to normal" physically.

I always enjoy your posts and the thoughts you share with us.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 3/11-12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2224187 - 02/22/12 06:02 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
2 - you may be the liguid metal guy on the surface, but you're like the terminator is attitude. Like Kyle Reese said in T1 "that terminator is out there and he will not stop, ever!".

I admire that in you. You have had the balls to face the divine openly and honestly and are taking your lessons standing up, and you will never give in or take any road but the hardest one which offers the best hope for all.

Maybe just maybe your W is starting to be the terminatrix. She might just be as strong as you, just in her own timeframe. Maybe? I'm praying for that for you, her and your boys.

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#2224246 - 02/22/12 08:28 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: rickb89]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Had an interesting conversation with my W today. I went down to see how she was feeling and she looked a little teary eyed. I asked her whats up and she said she was feeling a little sad. I noticed she had the welcome home banner that I had created next to her on the bed.

She said that she can't believe that she was in the hospital for 10 days. That she really could have died. Then she starts talking again about the baptist minister and how she really believes he was an angel sent to protect and assure her. She also mentioned the sinister priest who appeared in her dream a few days later and how she feels the baptist minister helped her to be able to fight off the intruder in her dream.

So the topic once again turns to religion. She tells me of her time as a child and how she really felt all along that she was going to hell (must have been all the fire and brimstone stuff), but is happy to know after her visit with the baptist minister that she is loved and will see God, etc.

I tell her that I am glad she felt comforted and also that I am glad that I have started going to church again and that I really enjoy it and get a lot out of it.

She says that she sees so many changes and that it is especially evident in the boys. That she is amazed how well we relate to each other and that the R with them is so much better.

And she says aren't you angry, (referring to my sexual abuse as a child that initially occurred in church of all places). I say no, I'm not angry. First it was so many years ago and why waste my energy on something that happened so long ago. Also, it wasn't the church that did anything to me, it was a pedophile f@%k who did it and he gets to rot in jail now.

She says that after you told me about that awful experience everything about your need for control made perfect sense to me. I told her, yea having what little control a 9 year old boy has stripped away from him for 5 years really made me want to never lose control like that again.

At some point in the conversation my W points out that on the welcome home banner that I had penciled in the words "glad you are on the mend the world would not be the same with out you" on the white picket fence and said she hadn't noticed that before. I show her that it is in all three pages and she says "I know!"

So, we continue to talk about her health then she says that she is sorry for whatever her brother may have said to me while she was in the hospital. I asked her why did she tell him about our separation since she had said previously that she wasn't going to tell him. She said she thought he would be much more understanding than it turned out.

She says that she got mad at him because he was giving her such a hard time about the kids now being in a broken home and she says she told him "you don't know that that's going to happen..." <<< don't know what to make of that particular comment.

Then she goes on a rant about what a jacked up M he has with his W and how she really can't stand her and hates what she has done to her brother.

So one last thing. W asks me if I had told anyone about our sitch, beyond those she is already aware of and I say no. and she says why not. And I tell her "I just hope we can some day piece things back together again." She says, I know you do, (said in an almost sympathetic tone). And just let that comment linger for a few long seconds. Shortly thereafter I left the room as I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes.

I have not said anything to her about our R in over 3 months. I've not lost it in front of her and I don't plan to do it now.

Ugh!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2224276 - 02/22/12 09:43 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: 2thepoint]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
2 - she's just like Crimson's W, or my W now...stopped dead in her tracks and has a lot to think about. I'm sure you know how to handle this without freaking out. She's going to notice the changes in you now more than ever before.

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#2224285 - 02/22/12 10:12 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey 2 - Hang in there. Seems to be a lot of mixed signals in there but that's probably a fair indication of where your W's thoughts are (all over the place). Keep up the good DB stuff!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2224299 - 02/22/12 10:51 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
.....and then, for the first time I find the first evidence of potential L involvement in the form of a business card found among a bunch of clutter on the kitchen counter. I don't know how long it has been there. Maybe months or maybe since yesterday after W met with her C who I believe is not pro-marriage but is instead pro-divorce-your-husband-and-start-from-scratch.

Ugh!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2224304 - 02/22/12 11:39 PM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: 2thepoint]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1842
She is clearly confused. You are doing everything you can. Now its time to be patient which is the hardest thing.

It does seem like an amazing sign that she has noticed changes in your R with your boys. How could that not have a profound effect on a mother?

I know first hand how detrimental a pro-D C can be all, maybe she will go on a long vacation soon or go on maternity leave or move?? We can always pray.

Dont worry about the L card, its such a small detail in the big picture.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2224333 - 02/23/12 01:47 AM Re: Dark Shadows, White Light, New Possibilities [Re: BklynMom]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2571
Loc: Piney Land
2 u got 2 options 1 call him and ask for a free consult. If your W used him he will turn u down. Or 2 just wait and see happens
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






Top
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