I’ve been thinking this morning about how I can detach without backing away. Things have been pretty good at home, but H hasn’t said he isn’t moving out, and I am trying my hardest not to get sucked back in. It’s been hard because he’s being so “normal”.
It’s mainly emotionally/mentally that I need to detach. I haven’t been very successful with this since I started DBing. How do you do this when things seem to be going so well? I’m afraid if he tells me he’s still moving out, I’ll be right back depressed and upset like I was before. I don’t want that to happen, and doubt I can detach in a way that it won’t affect me. I know it’s a rollercoaster ride, but dang…just when I think I’m stable…
I remembered why my husband suddenly stopped mid-sentence last night. We were talking about him working out and doing the Insanity workouts. I told him he was doing so good, but then he hasn’t done anything in a while. He said he was going to start back up, and get back into it. Then he said, “Especially…” and then stopped. Maybe he was going to say “Especially since I’ll be in my own place?” Mindreading, I know. I didn’t make a big deal about it, and just kept the conversation moving.
The vertigo meds did help some last night. But they make me sleeeeeepy, so I’m sluggish today. It’s a rainy day here too, so that doesn’t help either. I’ll be lucky if my head doesn’t hit my desk in the next 15 minutes. LOL
"Then he said, “Especially…” and then stopped. Maybe he was going to say “Especially since I’ll be in my own place?” Mindreading, I know."
Especially.....since he is planning on entering the Mr Universe contest.
Especially.....since he plans to play the role of Superman in a Broadway musical.
Especially.....since he wants to look good in a pair of RickB89's speedos.
It's all mind reading RoRo. Except for maybe the last one about the speedos
I just laughed out loud. Speedos came up in the conversation last night too. FUNNY!
I am so incredibly tired right now. Normally this could lead to a bad interaction with H once I got home. I resolve to remain positive and upbeat, and not grumpy.
One thing - my H has reached out to me the past few days at work, by phone or email. But not today. Working hard at no expecations, so I'm actually okay with that. Just wanted to note that I didn't send him an email either, which I would have done in the past, just to "check-in". It's a hard habit to break as this is something we used to do ALL THE TIME.
Not a 180 or anything, I think this falls more into the to save my sanity I'm trying to detach, even if kills me and before I go crazy pile.
Feeling anxious today, with no real reason why. Nothing has happened between H and I recently to cause me to feel this way. (Unless you count the reason I’m even on this site, but I digress) Guess I’m getting antsy because it’s March 1st. H still hasn’t mentioned moving out again, but I think I’m on edge waiting for him to say it just in case.
Other than that, I’m having a pretty good day. The weather here is GORGEOUS. I had planned to work out this evening, but I forgot my shoes. Maybe I’ll go try and find some cheap ones during lunch.
Just talked to one of my friends. She asked if H was still at home. I said yes, and actually someone looking from the outside would think nothing had happened. She said Oh, really. I couldn’t live like that, but that’s just me. (She’s been divorced for YEARS) I took it all in stride and didn’t respond back.
I did have a 180 this morning. H had a dr. appt this morning. Usually I will remind him or ask him about it. We talked about it earlier this week, and he had forgotten about it then. So this morning as I’m getting dressed, I think Oh, he has a dr. appt today. Normally, I would have called or text to remind him of this. (Basically nagging, and pointing out how he messed up.) I decided not to this morning. It’s his dr. appt, and if he forgets that’s on him. He doesn’t need me reminding him of something else he didn’t do. I literally had to fight the urge to pick up the phone, but I did it. LOL
Nothing else going on really. Just maintaining I guess.
Went for a walk with a co-worker earlier. It's beautiful in the Washington DC area today! Felt good, although work is stressing me out a bit. I think I need to focus on getting more rest (yeah right, WHEN?). Didn't go shopping for shoes, so I may cut out of work early to go home and walk around the block...get me some Vitamin D.
Would have normally asked H if he wanted to go somewhere for dinner, and maybe grab some Cold Stone (he loves that place!), but I won't. Makes me sad. :-(
Still a little anxious (and still don't know why), but doing okay. Hope everyone ie doing great today!
Walking and sunshine should help your anxieties Make sure you have happy songs on your ipod to keep you in the right frame of mind!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg, no music while walking today. Just chatting. It was nice!
H called today during work just to check-in (that's twice this week). I asked him about dinner. He said he'd call me once he got off the train. So he calls. He left his keys at work, so he couldn't drive. But of course he doesn't come right out and ask me to pick him up. He says, "I'm going back to the office, but it closes at 5:30 and I'm not sure who will be there to let me in." I say ok. He says, "But I don't have anyone's number to call to see if they are there." More of this back and forth for a couple more minutes. Finally I ask if he needs for me to come get him. He let out a breath and said yes. I said I would. (180 for me because I didn't make a joke or sarcastic comment about him leaving his keys.)
I go pick him up (once I'm finished what I was in the middle of at work). We go to pick up dinner and I have the cd he got me for V-day playing. I was singing alot and dancing all the way home. There's a song on there that talks about how stupid this man was to sleep with someone else and now his girl is gone. I had it on random but was hoping it would come on. It did just as we turned onto our street. H got so quiet you could hear him breathing. I just kept on singing. Came home and ate. H actually sat at the table with me.
I realized as I was driving to pick up H what I've been so anxious about today. I am feeling very uncomfortable not knowing what is going to happen with H and I. I used to have my life planned almost to the second, so this uncertainty is KILLING me.
I also keep thinking what is it about me that says it's okay to cheat on me? And then to have the audacity to continue your affair even after your busted? What could I have possibly done to my H, to deserve to be treated no better than a stranger on the street?
I've had alot of pain in my life caused by other people. Not playing the victim here, it's the simple truth. And just when I think I've found someone I can count on, this happens.
I know I'll recover from this. But I'm going to be honest here...I don't think I'll ever fully trust another human being in my life. It just ends up always hurting too much...
oh roro - i totally hear you! when i read your posts today i thought.. wow! i could have written all that myself! the reminding about appts.. the conversation about H's keys (that didn't happen w/ us but we've had similar back and forth conversations)..
i have similar trust issues. i remember saying to H, you care more about the people you work with then you do about me! he didn't agree.. but he certainly didn't disagree. that hurt so much and he just didn't get it. sometime i wonder if he'll ever be able to step up and be the man i need him to be again. but then i wonder if i will be the woman he needs me to be. the unknowing is really scary!
is it worth the gamble? only you can answer that. i never thought i was much of a gambler but.. i guess i'm more ballsy then i thought! gotta practice my poker face.
(((( roro ))))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
