Rollercoaster Ride - I'm just strapping in...

[RoRoinMD]

Btw, my H ate his bowl of soup at the dining room table last night. It caught me off guard when I walked through the room. Granted, I wasn't at the table, but he hadn't sat at the table for anything in months!

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to get to 100 posts all on my own. Geez, my life...

[RoRoinMD]

Journaling...

Last night was probably one of the weirdest nights of my life. Ending up watching some of the NBA All-Star Weekend stuff with H. Not much convo, just some laughs and comments here and there. He didn't seem distant, maybe a little afraid I was going to go postal on him or something because of our earlier convo (old Ro probably would have). I looked crazy after hours and hours of crying. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch, woke up about 1am and headed to bed.

Then the craziness starts. I have a dream that I see H leave the house, but I see his car down the street. Its not even the car he has, which is weird. Says he's just going out for a while. We have an argument about OW, then he leaves. Switch scene- I see H out at a restaurant and this woman with him says he's her H. I say how can that be when we've been married since 2009? More craziness happens with me chasing them through a shopping center.

I wake up an hour later breathing really fast and with chest pains. Can't get back to sleep until around 4am.

And another dream starts. I am on the phone with one of my high school classmates. She's saying her and H are together. We argue back and forth. Scene switch- I'm at my house and H is there. The furniture is all different. I find out he's had OW and friends over. I'm devastated and he's adamant that they will be together.

I wake up this morning and have another dizzy spell. I think to myself, trying to DB my marriage is going to end me up in the coo-koo's nest.

H gets up and gets dressed. I am in bed with a headache trying to get the room to stop spinning. He tells me he's going to pick up his contacts and get some eye exam they wanted him to have. Makes a point to say he's taking the trash out. Asks me if I have a headache because I am covering up my eyes. I explain that I had another dizzy spell. He says I should take some Tylenol for my headache, but I tell him I don't want to take it on an empty stomach. He asks me if I want him to go get me some food - He will go before he goes to run his errand. I tell him I appreciate it, but there's leftover pizza and I'll just eat some of that. He makes a point to tell me that he is going to get his contacts and he's coming straight back.

Long way to say nothing I guess. I'm trying to look for positives but it seems we always take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Need to figure out my short-term goals.

[BFloat]

Roro.. Sounds like you need a hug!

((((( )))))

those kinds of dreams can really do a number on you. Try not to think about it too much. Although we recognize them to be dreams.. It's hard not to think about the what ifs of make belief. I am guilty of that!

Hope your headache goes away

[purgatory]

Those dreams would have done a number on me too..... Hope you can recover and have a better night's sleep tonight. I really hate it when a dream is so real that you carry the emotions into the 'awake' stage, it's hard to regain focus and remind yourself that it was only a dream. (((((for a better night)))))

You posted this on nhmom's thread:

But Purg & BK question for you - H is at home, still has contact with OW, and tells us ILU. How are you supposed to react when you know about the OW? I keep wanting to ask him if he tells her the same thing? You can answer on my thread so I don't hijack NH's thread completely. LOL

This is how I've handled OW (who is also my exBFF)
Try not to get grossed out... I think of her as an annoying pimple on my M. It's ugly and irritating and I REALLY wish it would just go away. If I pick at it (bring her up in conversations), it get's bigger and more irritated (H comes to her defense and I end up wanting to slasher tires even MORE!) If you leave a pimple alone, it will still hurt, be irritating and embarrassing... BUT it will eventually go away on it's own, hopefully with minimal scaring.
[I put this same analogy on my thread a while ago, and one of the rick's thought it was really gross!]

As far as your H still saying ILY, I would take it at face value. Find every ounce of energy you have to STFU and don't throw out the cynical/negative questions or comments like: "is that what you say to her too?" If *you* acknowledge the OW in any way/shape/or form.... his only option is going to be to defend her- which will add to your anger and hurt (I speak from experience on this one, unfortunately.)
25 once told me that the OW isn't worth the breath you have to take to say her name. I try to remind myself that *I* am not a home-wrecker who is taking an H away from a W who loves him (how would she feel if the tables were turned??) but that *I* am the better person- and by not acknowledging her, and trying to act with dignity- I won't have to apologize for my actions somewhere down the road.
Let me share a story about this quickly:
Last night (yes, last night) I went to a concert for my Goddaughter at her HS. I knew that I would see OW there, so I prepared myself for the possible interaction. (ok, so when I actually got there and saw her in line a few people ahead of me, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes- i chickened out.) BUT I recovered and found my seat in the auditorium. I tried not watch where she was going to sit, but I found her with her other 2 Ds and guess who else.... my H and S6!!! I almost wanted to crawl out of my skin right there in my seat. I didn't look over at them, I didn't get up and walk away. I managed to sit there long enough to hear GD sing, and *then* I left when it was dark. I got to my car and screamed at the top of my lungs and cried the whole way home. I didn't know if H saw me there until he came home later and asked my I left early. It was all i could do not to yell at him and call him all the nasty names I could think of... I honestly said to him: "I didn't expect to see you there and it took me by surprise. I saw GD sing and didn't see a reason to stay till the end." He said, I didn't want it to be awkward for you, I'm sorry. [REALLY?? not awkward for me?!? I would love to know what OW's friends thought seeing her sit with a man who is NOT her H?? That's might have been a little awkward for her!]

That was longer than I wanted it to be, really sorry (I always get accused of talking too much- me?? never.) But my point is, IF I had gotten up and walked over to them and called her a $lut (which I really wanted to do!) *I* would have ended up looking like the crazy person to everyone around- b/c they don't know the background. And then H would have come to her rescue and protected her against me... and things would have gone downhill very fast.
You have to find the mental ability to compartmentalize *your* R with H and ignoring OW's R with H. You can't do anything about it- as much as you think you can, talking about her will only push him closer to her.

[RoRoinMD]

Thanks BF - H came back and "made" me take some meds. He stood there and watched me and joked that he was making sure one of the pills didn't fall down my cleavage. LOL He has been somewhat attentive since he got back from his errand. I had a coughing fit and he hurried into the room to see if I needed something to drink. (Sometimes the old H does show up)

Still have a mild headache, but not as bad. Think that and the dizziness is sinus related.

[BklynMom]

I love the pimple analogy! You have to ignore OW, then look your best and go about your business. Be happy that your H is on your couch and not out of the house. I wish my H could have just slept on the couch for a year vs leaving.

[2thepoint]

"H gets up and gets dressed. I am in bed with a headache trying to get the room to stop spinning. He tells me he's going to pick up his contacts and get some eye exam they wanted him to have. Makes a point to say he's taking the trash out. Asks me if I have a headache because I am covering up my eyes. I explain that I had another dizzy spell. He says I should take some Tylenol for my headache, but I tell him I don't want to take it on an empty stomach. He asks me if I want him to go get me some food - He will go before he goes to run his errand. I tell him I appreciate it, but there's leftover pizza and I'll just eat some of that. He makes a point to tell me that he is going to get his contacts and he's coming straight back.

Long way to say nothing I guess. I'm trying to look for positives but it seems we always take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Need to figure out my short-term goals."

RoRo, I'm not totally up on your sitch but what you describe above seems like it is full of positives. If you are basing your view that you took 3 steps back because of the bad dreams, remember they are just dreams and are really just a manifestation of all the R junk running through your mind.

[RoRoinMD]

Journaling...

2tp – Thanks for pointing out the positives. I’m too close to the situation to see the good before the bad sometimes.

Feeling better today, but still have a slight headache, minimal dizziness right now. Made a dr. appt for tomorrow morning. Need to get the dizziness under control. I have about a 45 minute commute on average, and would hate to have a spell in traffic.

So H and I watched the Oscars and NBA All-Star Game last night. I noticed something, but wasn’t sure what to make of it. Note: I found out about H’s A by going through his iPad (that I purchased as an anniversary/birthday gift I might add! UGH!). So after confronting him that initial time, he put a code on it so I couldn’t get into it. And he’s been pretty secretive about what he’s doing on it. Granted the past few weeks, his usage that I saw was not that much, but still.

Well, last night he was on it, but it seemed as if he wanted me to see what he was doing. He left the screen open multiple times, and just sat it next to him on the couch or on the floor. Once he even got up to go use the bathroom, and just left it wide open. (No, I didn’t snoop!) It just seemed out of character for him. He did the same thing with the phone several times. Not sure what this means, but caught my attention.

We had a good time laughing and joking last night. He offered to go get us some dinner and pick up some things from the store. (I’m sure this was used as time to call OW, but I digress…) He was very concerned about my dizzy spells. He said something completely crazy when we were talking about it, and there’s a much longer story to go with that, which I’ll share after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Just know I did a 180 and didn’t take what he said seriously. Good for me! Made me take some cold medicine because I kept coughing. He actually watched me to see if I was going to take it. (I swear, I don’t know who the DBuster is here sometimes…completely a 180 to let him take care of me. I don’t stop long enough usually for it to happen)

H seemed extra snuggly in bed last night. I was half asleep, but still noticed him in my space when I would turn over. The intimacy is still there. Trying so hard not to get attached to that. Got an ILY and kiss as he was leaving this morning. He stopped suddenly after that like he wanted to say something, but just shook his head and kept going. *shrug*

I’m wondering how I will ever detach if he’s so nice and seems to be loving and all that. He hasn’t given me an indication that he’s changed his mind about the D. And of course, I won’t ask him. Guess I’m really stuck in limbo for a while.

But I guess like Purg said on someone’s thread – just like I’m going back and forth with my emotions and feelings about our M, he is sure to be doing the same thing.

I didn’t get a response from my email with questions about DB coaching. Guess I just need to call the number and talk to someone.

[nhmom]

Lots of positives! Funny about your H leaving his iPad around as if to show you that he doesn't have anything to hide. My H is glued to his iPad as well. I've read your comments in the past about wanting to throw the iPad or the phone against the wall. Sometimes I feel the same. As much as I like technology, I hate it just as much. It opens up to a new world of temptation for things that we may not do in person. Ugh.

Good for you for not snooping while he stepped out!!

I do like the pimple analysis! Yes, it's gross. And I'm also the type of person that would keep picking at it and make it worse....seem to be doing the same in real life about OW. I just have to keep telling myself 'let it go. she's not worth it. take the high road.'

[BFloat]

try not to think about it too much. sometimes i think they do the obvious phone thing to balance out all the secretive moments. as though if they leave it out today.. then you won't get suspicious tomorrow.

if he's being nice and loving, it must be nice to be able to enjoy that.