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Thanks Chuck & Angel. In my wording I think because I put it last you guys took that as pursuing. Really it's just me stating what I believe. Wouldn't have been done in any kind of pleading or begging voice.
Angel, I liked how you worded it. I may just say that word for word. I think H wants me to initiate too since I'm normally the one who gets upset and makes decisions based on that. But I'm not. If he wants to leave, it'll be HIS decision. I've already told him that.
I've been thinking about the halfway thing too. I kinda feel how you felt about it. I'm normally a black and white kind of person. DB has brought more gray in my life, but I don't think I can be gray about this.
So H is still ill. Made sure he had soup and meds last night and let him get some rest. Which meant I pretty much stayed to myself. This is probably the first night we haven't watched TV together or anything in 3 weeks. This is also the first night in about as long that he was on his ipad most of the night (this was/is how he and OW communicate). Not saying that there's a correlation there. I just know when we're not spending time together this is what happens. (This was a major issue in our M. We would spend every evening in separate rooms; H would be up late doing whatever on his ipad, and I would go to bed alone.) I was kind of annoyed about it, but got over it rather quickly. I read some old threads and some of Rachel Clark's articles on the Psychology Today website.
I also did something I haven't done in a long time. I turned to the music channels on cable and danced by myself for about 30 mins. That was my workout and it was fun! I needed that!
He's still been distant, but like I said that could be because he's sick. We haven't been talking or laughing like we had been before Vegas. It still seems like he's back deep into the fog like in the beginning. I'm not sure what to do now: go back to what I was doing before the Vegas trip - watching TV with him, talking to him about my day when he asks, etc.; or try something different.
P.S. Does anyone know a spell to make OW disappear? LOL
Journaling...just had to get this down. It isn't really making any sense to me. Maybe I'm in the middle of a hormonal imbalance of some sort. LOL
I am feeling the strangest way ever today.
It's been soooo long where I haven't let myself really feel it, that at first I didn't recognize it. But gosh, I am really feeling in love with my H today. Not because he did anything, or I even did anything to provoke him into doing anything. I just love that man. Even though he's acting like an idiot right now.
Why????? Even after the OW, I still do. Something has got to be wrong with me.
You love him because you choose to. You want to be with him. That is why you are here fighting for your M! It's ok to feel that way. You did the right thing by coming here and posting it. You are doing good Ro. Keep it up. We are all praying for you daily!
Well, H is in the living room laying on the couch and I'm in the bedroom. I just didn't feel like sitting in there right now...maybe later. He doesn't have "shark eyes", he has a "shark spirit". Not sure what happened over the weekend with him, but he's a completely different person now. Not mean or anything, just HERE.
He is sick, but what's the difference between me being sick last week and him this week? I still at least said hello when he came into the house. I just came in from church, and he just looked at me and turned his head. He wasn't even like that after the first bomb. It's just weird that we went from laughing and joking to whatever this is in the span of a weekend.
Is this the beginning of my "it gets worse before it gets better"? I haven't said anything about the OW since he got back from his trip. Could he be feeling guilty about the trip. Or should I just chalk it up to being sick?
And I'm assuming I shouldn't go sit in there with him. That's one thing I thought was my "do what works", but maybe it wasn't. *shrug*
Here's a portion of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Google and listen to it at your own risk....
Peace of Mind By Lauryn Hill
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangible He says it's not grabable, but I know it's haveable 'Cause anything is possible...Oh, anything is possible...
I'm going between angry and sad today. Angry at my H for his A. Sad that because of his A (and my old habits), my M very well could end.
I'm also very tired today. I slept last night, but not that well. H is still sick, and gets choked in his sleep, so every time he would wake up, so would I.
I did get some GALing in last night: church & a Special Olympics conference call. I still feel like doing NOTHING alot of the time. Or just sleeping...I can't seem to get enough sleep. But I'm making myself do some things. Which I guess is the point of GALing.
On H's way out this morning, I got the hug and kiss on the cheek (he has germs so no mouth kisses! UGH!), and an I love you. He looks so sad sometimes. Makes me want to hug and kiss him to death like I used to do, and tell him it will be okay. (But I won't because it doesn't go with DB principles and what I'm trying to do)
Still, I'm feeling as if I'm starting over or not doing something right as far as DBing goes. Maybe I need to make another goal list or small positives list of things I want to see happen. Isn't that how some people do it?
As far as GALing - Hopefully next week, my energy level will be back to normal and I can get back to working out for real. As I said before I tend to be an overachiever, so maybe I just need to give myself some slack and say if I workout once next week, that's better than nothing. Otherwise, I know I'll feel like a failure for not doing my regular 4 - 5 days a week.