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tpc1977 Offline OP
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Should I 180 when my wife is having a tough time with depression? Sometimes I feel like this would make the situation worse. When she's like this she wants to drink (She did Saturday night behind my back), she doesn't know what she wants with our marriage, she's very snappy, and probably finds time to talk to OM.

I feel so alone right now. I cannot do anything to make her happy. This is something she has to work through herself. All I can do, and what I am doing, is try to make her comfortable while she fighting this. The thing is I cannot do anything right when she's like this. I was suppose to race Sunday but called it off because of the money. She acted like she was disappointed - and I know why. Or I assume I know why. There would have been a window for her to text the OM.

I am so ripped apart right now I don't know what to do. I want to leave her so bad just to get her attention. But I'm afraid it wouldn't work, Plus I don't have any place to go or the money to do it. There is so much going on in my life - our lives - that we're pretty much stuck. That fuels her to want us to separate even more. Her rebellious attitude totally goes against what needs, or has, to be done. If we have to stay together she doesn't want to. If we have to work on our marriage it makes her not want to. If she has to work her steps she won't do it. If she needs to stop drinking it makes her want to even more.

This is a terrible place she's in right now. It could be temporary. It could last a long while. I don't know. I just know that she's in a dark place like before. Her mood shows it. This hopelessness she shows sticks to me as well. I'm trying so hard to keep my chin up and show her a happy man but I've lost it right now. I need motivation to do it now. I need to know that if I can 180 she will take notice and want to work to get out of her funk. She wallows in it and she looks at me like I'm in the way of her happiness. I'm the roadblock. I'm the trap in the path toward her perceived better life.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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The nursing board told her she needed to keep going to After-Care another 6 months and choose a different course. The one she was going to wasn't board certified. We didn't realize this. So ... I guess they knew it all along and decided to wait to tell us.

My wife was pretty bummed. I'm worried this will trigger another episode of depression. She expressed that she really didn't know why she had been feeling this way for the past several days. Maybe hormones, she said. I think it has to do with guilt and lack of confidence.

Coincidentally, I decided to change my approach yesterday even before she called me with the bad news. So I hit her with several key pieces of advice that, I believe, hit home. I'm really trying to stand tall for both of us. I'm really trying to be a positive influence on her regardless of how she is toward me or how she feels about me for the moment. I say "moment," because her moods change with the tides.

She continually tries to find happiness from external sources. This does nothing but either helps her for a minute or keeps her in the dark hole she's sunk into. She cannot change anything that happens to her, but she can change how she reacts to every situation.

Regarding the bad news, I told her that this could be a motivating factor in her life. For 2 years now she has only slightly fulfilled her requirements the nursing board laid upon her. I told her that the path is open for another 6 months and she can slowly develop a new game plan to attack this the right way. He NA meetings can be something extremely beneficial if she chooses to attend more than once a week. She can develop a better, more open, relationship with her sponsor. There is hardly a soul on this earth that she really opens up to and this lady is perfect. She is to the point, no holds barred, punch in the gut, in your face about everything. I totally dig her. My wife, I think, finds it tough to open up to her for those reason alone.

This time also gives her the opportunity to keep at her steps that she won't work on. I laid out a plan for her and told her that I fully support her time that it takes to work on this and will be there for anything she needs. Unfortunately, these steps delve into deep places within her and she hates it. I've helped her plan out a lot with these steps, with her sponsor, with her meeting, but I cannot force her to go. I can only encourage and support her. Once I start forcing her she immediately goes into rebellion-mode. So ... I plan it out the step back. That's all I can do.

With my training and racing I plan out day to day what I'm doing on and off the bike, in the kitchen, when I go to bed, when I nap, everything. I love lists and guidelines. My wife doesn't. She has always gone about this spur-of-the-moment. She procrastinates. She waits and hurries. If it doesn't work, F* it! Move along and find something else that will. I try something for a while then decide if it works or not. I can spend weeks or months on a program before moving to something else if I feel it isn't what I need. If my wife doesn't see results within days, it ain't working. Which is odd because she quite patient with things, while I'm let's get this done now type of guy.

Yesterday, after lunch, I sent her tidbits of advice and heart-felt quotes to help keep her from going down the hole. I think it worked - yesterday. She seemed a bit upbeat closer to the time I was leaving work to meet her at our daughter's school event. She was close to me when I was there, touching and looking at me.

As for me, my approach is a little different to her. When I 180 it seems she walks away from me emotionally most of the time. She shuts herself off. When I treat her as a guy trying to seduce her, so to speak, she really opens up to me and lets me in. If I'm a bit romantic, yet mysterious, she is accepting. If I show a general interest but not act overly pathetic she responds. When I'm strong and confident and act like I'm pursuing her a bit she acts like it's what she wants. She seems to want to be seduced. She likes playful banter. She likes to see interest and genuine smiles. She likes the occasional touch or kissing or neck rub.

Last year when she was visiting relatives I sent her a love quote or poem every morning when I got up. She responded positively to this. When she got home we were closer than ever. But it wore off after a while. Reality, you know? When you're home you're forced to face your life and all its ugliness. I tried to stay positive and supportive. Eventually though, she started going dark again.

I think I need to slowly seduce her again to get her to see how important she is to someone. She needs to see how full her life is and that this outside BS doesn't change the fact that she is a living miracle and that her blood - her life - flows in two other living, breathing, miracles as well. I told her yesterday that, just for a moment, she needs to see all the beauty and perfection in our daughters. She needs to witness all the joy and happiness the exude. Look at their creativity and majesty as life produced from her. Remember their smiles each day. Remember their tears. Remember their pains and anguish. That is life. A life we gave them. The blood that warms them each day came from the same wonderful, beautiful, creative, living creature. Her daughters are reflections of who my wife really is. It's not the dark ugliness her mind tries to manifest when things don't go her way. Our children have a freedom to express themselves without remorse or fear. They can laugh and cry and spit fire all in a matter of minutes based on what life throws at them. But generally they jump and cheer and laugh and have a peace we need to recognize and should attain.

This is a freedom adults forgot to hold on to. That happiness our children have should never be squashed. It is a happiness not from an external source. It's internal. It's based on a freedom to live with a peace knowing not what lies ahead but what "is" at that moment.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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My wife admitted to her drinking problem. Honestly, she doesn't drink much, but she does hide it and lie about it. She opened up and talked about the viscious cycle she keeps herself in with constantly trying to find external sources to make her feel better, then feeling guilty for it, then putting herself back into a dark place and looking for something to feel better.

The past two days she's been upbeat. Last night I went with her to celebrate her sponsor's 9 year clean date. The speaker that night gut-checked her. We talked about one key point on the way home: opening up and laying it all out to someone and accepting help.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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It's our 14th year anniversary.

Things have been going pretty smoothly lately. After confronting her about hiding bottles and her drinking she's been more open.

Me on the other hand, I've been a bit ill-mannered. Especially yesterday. But that was yesterday and yesterday is over. Today is a new start. Some of it has to do with everything I've got going on and dieting to get back to my race weight.

This morning I set roses on the coffee table with some of her favorite snacks and three cards. One for her and one for each of my daughters.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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tpc,

Try not to go overboard with the mushy stuff. Best to have small gifts from your kids, and keep yours to maybe a funny Shoebox card and a small gift card for something practical.

You're pursuing.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hey, tpc,
Continue to do what has worked - a bit romantic, yet mysterious; strong and confident - this is THE GUY that has drawn positive responses from her. You've obviously dones some things well, to give her a safe place to be honest. Keep doing what recharges your batteries to have fewer "ill-mannered" days!


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This road is tough to travel because it seems I've got to have game-on all the time. There is no time to relax really. I'm constantly working.

I've been working on me a ton, bettering myself in tons of ways. What I'm really trying to do is break the attachment between my good feelings and how she is.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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Update, since it's been awhile.

We're still together, still working on things. We both have our ups and downs and both agree that life sometimes just gets tough and it ain't all rainbows.

Yesterday we got into it but I tried to ease us off the blame game. I was scheduled to train that morning with several guys but opted out because of the rain. (What I told them.) Actually, it was all the stuff going on at home. Our dryer died, my yard is a mess from a ton of rain, my weed eater died, we just got a new lawnmower because that broke as well, my daughter's room is in shambles from a full-on renovation we're doing, my wife got a hand-me-down table and chair set that needs sanding and refinishing, plus the house is just a mess. That morning it all came to the top and just beat me over the head. I couldn't check what broke on the dryer because my multimeter broke. I couldn't finish the yard because it was raining off and on. I couldn't finish my daughter's room because there's so much more to do. I couldn't finish the table and chairs because I need to borrow a good sander. Then on top of all that the brakes on my car started grinding. No warning. Just went from good to screw you.

My wife saw that I was in a mess mentally. Yes, I was ill. Not at anyone just at the situation. I like to compartmentalize things and finish them. I couldn't because it seemed that there was at least one thing holding me back from getting the job done. She thought it was because "I" was ready to work and "I" wanted everybody else to be ready. Nope. I told her she was wrong then she basically called me a liar. I then went on to blatantly state that our conversation would not continue if every time I stated one things she told me flat out that it wasn't true. Either she believes me or she can walk away.

Then she told me that I was ill because I had to cancel a training ride and that if that was the case I should have gone so I wouldn't be this way. I told her I cancelled it because I would have felt like hell if I was out riding while all this stuff was piled up. But then she told me that I didn't consider anything yesterday while I was racing. I said that nothing really bothered me until I noticed my brakes were grinding then when I got home and noticed the dryer stopped working. Things went from bad to worse and this morning it really hit me.

I also told her that yesterday when I got home we immediately went to work but I wanted to take her out to eat then a local NA meeting. I'm glad I did. We both enjoyed our time together.

She was in her mode. The I'm not buying it mode. So I cut us off from going at it and went back to work. Eventually things settled down and I finished a part of the room then went outside to work on the yard with the family. We started making headway, then it started raining. Sheesh. We continued a little more until I saw a snake and everybody but me went running. I believe it was a baby black snake. I could tell by the color - or lack of color. So I went searching through the area we were working to find it. But the rain kept coming and we went in to work on something else.

We started sanding the table by hand for a while but I really started getting tired and laid down to watch the race and take a nap. But no sooner had I laid down then the sun came out. Being the person I am (not letting anything go undone) I got up to go back outside. The grass was wet but it needed cutting, so I pulled out the lawnmower and went at it. Over by the area we were pulling weeds earlier I spotted the baby snake - I guess warming itself. Quickly, I darted over and cornered it. I asked me wife to throw me a glove. The little fella coiled its head to strike but I laid my gloved hand on it and picked it up. He didn't even try to wriggle free. So I walked him over to the edge of the woods and let him go.

The end of the day seemed more cheerful. We did get a few things done. We took our clothes up to the laundry mat and dried them while we went next door to get some groceries. We cleaned the house. I called me father in-law who used to own an appliance center and he left me some parts to try on the dryer. That'll be worked on tonight. I finished all the trim in the bedroom and pulled the tape. We only have one wall left. Then it's onto the floor where I'm pulling all the carpet up and we're going to do something crazy to the concrete slab.

We did make up eventually. All day I just acted normal and not huffy about anything. Yes, there was a lot on my mind. At a certain point when I get overwhelmed, I get serious.

For the past several days though I have been suspicious about my wife's behavior. I couldn't put my finger on it, but we did talk about it. I keep mentioning honesty and how I really want "us both" to be open. I also told her that if she feels the need to drink, then let me know. I'd rather know when she wants to then later when she's sneaking off and getting drunk. She agrees. There were a couple of times I couldn't tell whether or not she was just going hormonal on me or drinking. Sometimes when she gets in one of her down-moods she can almost act strange in a sense. She never acted drunk, just spacey. I dunno.

On the plus side, I've raced several times and have come home with money. I also go my upgrade to race in the Pro-Am field. It's been a goal of mine to get there. Now that I'm there it's kind of scary. These guys (kids) are just crazy fast. The races are a lot longer, the speeds are ridiculous, but the payouts are great. My first race was an eye opener. At one point I did think I could pull off something spectacular then reality hit me with two sledge hammers to the legs and told me to back off. But I loved it.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: tpc1977
I couldn't finish the table and chairs because I need to borrow a good sander.



tpc,

Have you looked on CraigsList for a used orbital sander? A decent new one is only $75 - $100 or so, but my wife and I found one on CL for $20. It's a DeWalt, and in decent shape. It didn't have the dust bag, but I found one online for like $8, and it all works perfectly. My wife has gotten the refinishing bug, and is doing our game room coffee table, two end tables, and a cheap table we bought at a garage sale for $5, just so she could practice on it. She's wanting to get good enough before she tackles our kitchen table.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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Thank you. I will look for something like that. Nothing listed yet, though.


We had a pitfall yesterday. I showed her how upset I was knowing she has not been up to date with her calls for testing. Even though I'm not pushing her to get her nursing license back (honestly I want her to do what makes her happy in her career choice) I do want her to continue to do the easy things so it will remain an option. She's shooting herself in the foot by not calling, not going to meetings regularly and not staying on top of her NA steps. She's basically given up - or gotten to a point where she doesn't care.

Should I talk to her about it? Maybe if I fully understand where she's coming from I can be less upset. But right now I figure she's not doing even enough for the board to look in her general direction.

Plus, I think she's going through one of her spells or something. She's become distant and moody. Or uncaring. Could she be in contact with OM? I don't know. Maybe. I don't chase her down to find out. I tell her where I stand on it and that's all I can do. She's a liar though. A big one. She'll hide things and lie to cover her tracks. Usually I can tell. I'm in limbo right now - not know what's going on. Just that she's distance herself from me.

The ups and downs and stress (and not showing my stress) is really getting the best of me. I feel it all the time. Suppressing it makes it worse sometimes. Being in a constant mode of cheerfulness is a struggle. What does she want? What should I do? Where should I turn?

I want to be settled and comfortable for a moment so I can recover from this battle-ridden fatigue. She's in control of our situation and she knows it. She can manipulate the path we're on. I need to get off this path and be me. I'm tired.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
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