DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4)

[rickb89]

It's funny how when we make up our minds about something and feel confident about it, and then something is thrown in our way to confuse us.

It's good of you not to read into your W's actions, but FWIW your W did take a step closer to you. She acknowledged that it upsets you that she doesn't wear her rings, that's good. But you still don't know how SHE feels about it. Does she WANT to wear them? If they still fit, would she wear them? Whatever her comment meant, take it as a positive. But you're right, she'll have to do more than just comment on something. Maybe it's the whole distancer/pursuer thing...you're backing off and she's stepping in....the only difference is that YOU know what's going on.

I do feel like I have a path to wander down again. We'll see what happens. Thanks NH!

[rickb89]

Rick, I heard there is a nudist beach in NH...lol

Jokes aside, you're in an incredible and important fork in your life. You wanting to take charge of your life, tending to your own needs and wants in hopes of finding happiness along the way shows how strong you are. And you are right to show your S's not only what it means to be loyal and faithful to your M, but also how to build self confidence and respect. You're a truly amazing person, Rick. It sounds like you've found your path. Now stay on it!

Thanks NH. Your thoughts matter a lot to me and it helps me do this.

Hope you're doing well in NH. I need to catch up on your thread!

[rickb89]

rick.. you are doing an amazing job.. and being such a great role model for you sons (and also your "daughter").

i don't think your decision to move forward is far from being selfish. in fact, it think it's a gift you're giving yourself, your kids, and your wife. hopefully she'll come to see that and really discover her "truth".

definitely unchartered waters.. but FWIW, we're right there with you. i'm not sure who'll navigate yet.. maybe labug.. but i'll definitely be out there paddling!!

rick, thank you always for your kind words and support. they really do mean a lot to me. i take everything to heart.

as for where i'm from.. from a little country called VN. but, i definitely grew up canandian. when people try to figure out where i'm from they always think i'm korean or japanese. always seem surprised to find out i'm neither! there you have it. i'm a banana.

Barely - thanks for the response! Just so you know when I got your message I was in the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston at a Japanese Sci-fi Anime movie. I always try to picture where people are when they get my messages.

Hope you and kids are enjoying the day. Hope you're happy today!!!! I'm heading out to western MA today with some of my kids to find a trail and hike it. There's this Quabbin Resevoir that's man-made and when they made it, it was flooded and buried five towns so there's a cool sense of mystery to it.

BTW, we could have been neighbors at one time. I came within a breathe of living in Saigon. My Dad was moving there from Korea and I was supposed to go with him. Our new home was in the Chinese section of Saigon. My Mom was moving to the US and splitting up with my Dad, and taking my younger brother. My brother begged me to come so I agreed to go as a visit and see my cousins here too. While I was here Saigon got invaded so I couldn't go there to live. My Dad ended up getting out and moving to DC. Anyway, we could have crossed paths!

I like you're banana comment! Help me out here. I'm wondering what type of fruit I would be and think it may be an avocado? Italian and Amerindian on the outside, culturally both east and west on the inside. I don't know!

BTW, love Canada but have never been to the western provinces. Spent a lot of time in Nova Scotia, and Montreal. Love both! My Mom's family was from NS - Indian, and some French blood.

I know I'm rambling here but I do enjoy talking to you.

Have a great day. Peace.

[rickb89]

I am still making daily progress in taking control of my life. This past year has been invaluable to me in tearing apart and understanding the affects of patterns I developed out of my wild childhood. I feel better and better about each new day, and I feel optimistic.

At the same time I see my W in a big downward spiral and I pray to god she has the strength to come out of it for good. I don't know. I do know the more I attempt to do the work for her by being Mr fix-it/enabler, the less likely she'll get to a point where she has to/will do something. She was a total wreck last night and this morning. She told me she's falling apart. Normally, I would do anything for her when she gets like that but it helps no one. So I just listen, but I'm not getting caught up in any expectations or false hopes. You know how it with a troubled kid. Sometimes you just have to let them go and pray they make it. She has the psychiatrist today. I figure each time she goes, has to help her somewhere down the line. I hope.

I continued my journey towards a new life yesterday by meeting a friend in at Boston Museum of Fine Arts for a Japanese Sci-Fi anime movie, then dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Chinatown. Just being out in a cultural setting, with friends, being part of the crowd attending, I was feeling like I can certainly do this. I happened to get a sweet friendly post from "barely" while I was in the movie. It was like having the right thing happen at the right time to confirm you're on the right path.

Some of the people on this blog, I think it was at least Brklyn and Grmp Monkey mentioned this book called No More Mr Nice Guy. There was enough chatter about the book to catch my attention. My initial reaction to it was to shudder. Will it be a book about a bunch of whiney wimps, or about a bunch of guys controlled by their wives? In the spirit of taking back my life I decided I would take a look and downloaded it as my first book on my newly purchased Nook Color. I have to say the book runs much deeper than my initial thoughts on it were. There is great value in it and through the examples in the book I see how my childhhod traumas caused me to develop patterns of self preservation that did not serve me well. In fact it couldn't have been a more different mix for me and W. We both had real trauma as kids. I would attack any challenge in a kind of ultimate survival mode, and my W would run from things. When she did that I would try harder, and she would run further away. In any event, I see this and this book does seem to help a lot.

Many thanks to all friends here. You're all the best.

[ces67]

Rick - you're an inspiration for GAL. Lately the fact of going home each day just creates a feeling of dread for me. In readying your posts, it helps me to let it go and do and be what I want and let go of my concerns for how W will act or behave.

I've looked for that book in a few book stores and haven't found it. Guess, I'll have to get it off amazon.

Enjoy your week!

[rickb89]

CES....its on Amazon and its under $10 in ebook form! Good luck.

[ces67]

Thanks! I'll look for it tomorrow and have it shipped to my office.

[2thepoint]

"At the same time I see my W in a big downward spiral and I pray to god she has the strength to come out of it for good. I don't know. I do know the more I attempt to do the work for her by being Mr fix-it/enabler, the less likely she'll get to a point where she has to/will do something. She was a total wreck last night and this morning. She told me she's falling apart. Normally, I would do anything for her when she gets like that but it helps no one. So I just listen, but I'm not getting caught up in any expectations or false hopes. You know how it with a troubled kid. Sometimes you just have to let them go and pray they make it. She has the psychiatrist today. I figure each time she goes, has to help her somewhere down the line. I hope."

Rick I think you know that I have shared similar concerns about my W in prior posts. That she seems to be in a downward spiral and I wondered if she would hit bottom and find her way back.

so I think this line of thinking is normal. The thing is your W is a big girl and IS CAPABLE of figuring this sh!t out for herself. So let her and try to stop worrying.

And if your W is anything like mine, sooner or later life will catch up and an awakening of sorts will occur and then things will get real interesting.

So keep moving forward down your chosen path and maybe keep this in mind:

Love, like a river will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle.

[2thepoint]

One other thing, Rick. A T friend of mine explained that sometimes people have to allow themselves to go completely in the opposite direction of where they have been, (i.e. if their life was perfect and stable then they have to let it go completely into CHAOS in order to then find the equilibrium they need to move forward).

I think this is true of my W and I think it may be true of your W as well.

Just something to think about.

[BFloat]

rick - i thought of you today! i was watching a movie w/ my gf. thinking.. wow! that city looks amazing to live in (thought it was nyc). turns out it was boston!

i think maybe you'd be an eggplant. a little dark.. and little mysterious.. but appealing to both the east and the west! yum! grilled eggplant w/ green onion oil. but i digress...

western canada is very different from the east. sort of like nyc and lax. very laid back.. beautiful! if you ever want to come visit.. you shall have a personal guide.

it's really hard to watch the people we love struggle because our instinct is to try to save and protect them. i know i did that for many years. trying to make everything "nice". and when i look back i realize i helped neither myself nor H. maybe i had a fear of being disappointed if i left things to unfold on their own? but in doing that, perhaps i didn't allow H to grow and become himself experiencing the natural consequences of life whether good or bad.

you and i are learning to step back. to allow the people we love to grow and become who they need to be. there will be many painful moments (i don't doubt this), but i think ultimately, it will bring us great happiness. i truly believe that.

ok eggplant.. who else we recruiting on this journey? let's find a couple more colourful fruits and veggies. purg is the spicy red pepper i think