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#2223842 - 02/21/12 02:07 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
you and i are learning to step back. to allow the people we love to grow and become who they need to be. there will be many painful moments (i don't doubt this), but i think ultimately, it will bring us great happiness. i truly believe that.


The essence of DB don't you think? Great insight, BF.

And in getting to this nugget of truth, I've had to realize and accept that the best place for my H to be, might not be with me. That's what we fight against for so long but once I accept that it's a choice, his choice, it all became easier.

Pema Chodron has a great book called When Things Fall Apart which I read early on in my sitch. It was very difficult because it's about letting go. And I didn't want to let go, I was holding onto the rope with every ounce of strength I had. But letting go and moving toward the pain, figuring out my role, accepting what is has allowed for so much growth.

I want to be a chipotle, dark, smoky, with a slow burn...
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2223859 - 02/21/12 02:57 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
I want to be a chipotle, dark, smoky, with a slow burn

^^^liking this.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2223877 - 02/21/12 03:38 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3733
Well....

101 posts later...

Feeling any better yet ???

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#2223901 - 02/21/12 05:15 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1814
Do you think the wife of a mr nice guy would benefit from the book? My h is the epitome of a nice guy or should I was the epitome of mr nice guy till he snapped.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2223905 - 02/21/12 05:31 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: Mach1]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Well....

101 posts later...

Feeling any better yet ???


I do for the most part. Today I woke up with a wave of doubt and feeling very burnt out.

The good news is I know how I let myself get ino this mess, and what I needed to learn from it, and have a pretty good sense of moving forward with some newfound selfawareness and tools to use.

I have changed how I have been handling my life w/ my W in this sitch, and my mindset and actions towards building a new life. I do feel confident of myself and my place in this world and have been having flashes of wellbeing, which is nice.

At times, however, like today, I feel just dead inside, absolutely burnt out. With my W I have completely stopped enabling, stopped giving her the cake eat life, stopped the cheerleading, the social planning, the dates, everything. For many reasons I have taken this step. I didn't feel that this was doing any good for her, or for our family. I'm not sure I'm just being an easy to "use" crutch for her. Also, I began to feel like what I was doing was in many ways selling myself out, and pursuing. I could not see a future in all this high energy effort and after a year of being alone felt like I was almost empty and need to rebuild.

I guess this change is the classic 180 everyone keeps talking about. Its weird to see but without the efforts I just described the entire house and atmosphere has taken on the feel of a morgue. I can't/won't do it anymore though. Every little interaction between us is radically changed. Where before I would ask, how's this or that, I don't do it. I'm not offering to fix everything that comes up, offer dates, activites, nothing. I have a hard time even thinking about doing any of those things and have been having a physical aversion to it.

I imagine there might be some way to balance my moving forward with my life, and somehow being there for her but I'm not sure how. I don't want to make this insane effort anymore, nor do I want to live with expectations that this can work out.

I guess I'm feeling burnt out because after all that has happened and esp the last year I won't keep running 100 mph for her. She's going to have to bring some energy to this herself. She's going to have to show me something or make some kind of verbal commitment to making this work if I'm going to make efforts.

So while I can feel good that I can have a great life going forward, I also feel deadened by the present. I have a mountain of responsibilites besides this sitch with her. It's just the way it played out. I looking around at the effects of this sitch on my house, my kids, finances, the absolute crappy home environment, and I feel like I have a monster journey ahead to climb out of this.

I have a dilemma in that I get the logic of keeping the road home paved and smooth but someone's got to do this ongoing maintenance to keep the road clear. I wonder if my recent 180 is actually going to or is unknowingly closing the road, or is it her time to do the maintenance and open the road herself?

Maybe reality is starting to set in? In the absence of my year long efforts, what is left is me, my sons and "daughter" (thank god for them), a monster uphill climb with the practical day to day stuff, and a home lacking in warmth, happiness, a real family. It's just horrible there. The relationships between everyone else is great but in her current state it just drags everything down into the depths. In the absence of me being the family cheerleader she just remains in this semi-feral state up in her room. Remember how the girl in The Exorcist was up in the bedroom? Picture that while the rest of us are downstairs enjoying the family. A bit extreme but sadly not too far off. And if i dont keep up the effort to bring everyone together then this is what the current default setting is.

I'm not unaware of the good in life too. I have a lot, and have made some very good friends here too.

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#2223908 - 02/21/12 05:45 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: BklynMom]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Do you think the wife of a mr nice guy would benefit from the book? My h is the epitome of a nice guy or should I was the epitome of mr nice guy till he snapped.


I'm not sure. If anything it explains how Mr Nice Guys get there, and may certainly explain to you why he had certain habits in your M. It's not too academic of a read but still has pretty good insight. The beginning part of the book explains it pretty well, how they get there and why. The rest of the book gets into how to break out of these destructive patterns. I'm about 1/3 through it and it does help. BTW, now that I think of it, I used to see a lot of these nice guy patterns in my W...overcompensating based out of traumatic fear.

I think it will be worth your while to read it. You will have to be careful how you introduce this concept to your H. I imagine he might be very defensive. I see this w/ my W. She gets massively defensive about any concept that I introduce that might help. I have to kind of place it there in her path and let her discover it as if it was her own discovery.

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#2223910 - 02/21/12 05:52 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Just thinking Brkyln. I know your story but not all. I wonder, if you told me about how your H was in your M before the bomb, maybe you will get some insights by hearing a guy's thoughts on it. I can see how I became a nice guy from my past and how it played into my M. Maybe there's enough common ground so that I can relate to your H and then you can talk it out in a safer environment with me before trying it out in a live fire environment with your H.

Just trying to help, and brainstorming.

If you want you can call me. Maybe it can help. What do you think?

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#2223914 - 02/21/12 06:00 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
you and i are learning to step back. to allow the people we love to grow and become who they need to be. there will be many painful moments (i don't doubt this), but i think ultimately, it will bring us great happiness. i truly believe that.


The essence of DB don't you think? Great insight, BF.

And in getting to this nugget of truth, I've had to realize and accept that the best place for my H to be, might not be with me. That's what we fight against for so long but once I accept that it's a choice, his choice, it all became easier.

What you and BF say makes so much sense. It seems like many of us here are reaching this point at the same time. There are days when it's easy to see the upside of this awareness and there are days when the reality of what's there when you drop the rope is so difficult.

Pema Chodron has a great book called When Things Fall Apart which I read early on in my sitch. It was very difficult because it's about letting go. And I didn't want to let go, I was holding onto the rope with every ounce of strength I had. But letting go and moving toward the pain, figuring out my role, accepting what is has allowed for so much growth.

I'm going to read this book right after I finish "no more mr nice guy" (remember the old Alice Cooper song?)

I want to be a chipotle, dark, smoky, with a slow burn...

Okay, then you are hereby the chipotle of the group. Say hello to the eggplant and the banana.


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#2223917 - 02/21/12 06:08 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: 2thepoint]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
One other thing, Rick. A T friend of mine explained that sometimes people have to allow themselves to go completely in the opposite direction of where they have been, (i.e. if their life was perfect and stable then they have to let it go completely into CHAOS in order to then find the equilibrium they need to move forward).

I think this is true of my W and I think it may be true of your W as well.

Just something to think about.


Sure is something to think about and I think that this is probably the case for both our W's. Some of the excessive reactions your W has had are so much like my W's, and I think they may have some similar fears driving it. I do worry so much about my W bottoming out though and its impact but think that is probbaly what is needed.

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#2223924 - 02/21/12 06:33 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4) [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: barely floating
rick - i thought of you today! i was watching a movie w/ my gf. thinking.. wow! that city looks amazing to live in (thought it was nyc). turns out it was boston!

Boston is awesome, I have to say. Have you ever been here? If not there's a lot going on....old new england villages, cape cod, mountains, its pretty good. If you're going to make your way out here let me know so I can show you around!

i think maybe you'd be an eggplant. a little dark.. and little mysterious.. but appealing to both the east and the west! yum! grilled eggplant w/ green onion oil. but i digress...

Ha ha...okay banana...I accept being the eggplant! You do realize the impact of this naming game? I put a banana in my smoothie this morning and thought....there goes barely.

western canada is very different from the east. sort of like nyc and lax. very laid back.. beautiful! if you ever want to come visit.. you shall have a personal guide. smile

Okay... so don't be alarmed if I tell you I want to visit! You're in Washington state right? I do like the idea of laid back (I keep hearing the snoop dog song in my mind...gin and juice...laaaiiiid baaaack). Never been to Vancouver but always wanted to to see it. I remember when my sons and I were completely hooked on x-files back in the day, and we knew it was filmed in Vancouver.

it's really hard to watch the people we love struggle because our instinct is to try to save and protect them. i know i did that for many years. trying to make everything "nice". and when i look back i realize i helped neither myself nor H. maybe i had a fear of being disappointed if i left things to unfold on their own? but in doing that, perhaps i didn't allow H to grow and become himself experiencing the natural consequences of life whether good or bad.

Yes, me too. I did the same thing and buried a lot like you did. It's good to finally be taking control of own life and happiness, letting go, but not easy is it? If someone had told you you a few years ago that you and kids would be in this sitch, and talking online with another guy while naming each other fruits, would you have believed it? I will say that this proves some good things come out of adversity. I'm very glad to be talking to you. You're a wise person and strong enough to be so open.

you and i are learning to step back. to allow the people we love to grow and become who they need to be. there will be many painful moments (i don't doubt this), but i think ultimately, it will bring us great happiness. i truly believe that.

Somewhere down the road and in some fashion this will happen. I think you're right.

ok eggplant.. who else we recruiting on this journey? let's find a couple more colourful fruits and veggies. purg is the spicy red pepper i think wink


I think you're spot on about Purg being the spicy red pepper. Maybe those pictures of her will prove it! And LAbug claims to be a chipotle! Wiat till 2TP gets hold of this concept. I can only imagine the comments!

Hope today is an "up" one for you. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, bummed. Damn this nasty DB business!

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